Snippets Issue 2 : The Sideshow Issue

Concert Commandments

The ten commandments of concerts.

Concert Commandments

"I am the Lord thy God... Thou shalt have no other gods before me."

At the concert, you need to act and believe as if the band you are seeing is your favorite band for whom you would do anything regardless of your sexual orientation. If this is already the case, good job. If not, try to remember this: there are many die-hard fans who would love to switch places with you; the people you are seeing are famous, talented, or both; and it will greatly increase your enjoyment if you think you're having a good time.

"Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven images... Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them."

Cameras are for taking pictures of sunsets, the final round of NPDA, and yourself naked. They are not for concerts; they make you look like a tourist who stumbled across “a celebrity." Though theoretically, it is possible to look like a bigger tool than when you are holding your camera up in the middle of a song and blinding the guitarist with the flash, scientists have not yet discovered how. Also, your camera probably sucks anyway, you fixed-focus little kid.

"Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain."

Are you easily confused or disoriented? Do you think that in the middle of the concert, you may need to remind yourself of the performers? Do you feel a need to assure the people around you that you did not walk into the concert venue by accident and do, in fact, like this band? If you didn't say yes, leave the band t-shirt at home. If you did say yes, have fun at the DMB show.

"Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy."

The day of the concert, listen to everything the band has done. This will help you pretend you are a true fan and not just at the show because it was close and cheap, thus granting a feeling of superiority over your fellow concertgoers. Also, it will make the songs sound all the better at the concert since you will probably listen to them with your EQ all fucked up on a burned CD that you made from shitty MP3s.

"Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long."

People who hear a band's single on the radio, go to a concert, and then move on without ever so much as knowing the name of a second song are the reason "flash in the pan" had to be invented as a term. Know the music before you get there. Trust me; it's better that way. If you can't know it all, at least get familiar with the band's first CD. That is usually their favorite since it's what they produced when they were still doing it for fun.

"Thou shalt not kill."

Look above the door as you enter the venue: does it say, "Tonight: Dance Party w/ DJ White Chocolate?" No, it doesn't. The reason is because you are at a concert, not a rave. So don't dance big. If you need more than two feet of space to do what you're doing, knock it the fuck off (unless of course you are moshing). Your interpretative moves are lame anyway and we're all planning to beat the crap out of you out back. Stick to the concert bob or bumping into people instead of getting your groove on.

"Thou shalt not commit adultery"

Wear things that are loose and comfortable. Jeans are good; t-shirts are good; old tennis shoes are good. Dresses are for pageants and funerals-not rock concerts. No one is there to stare at your rear end and rest assured the band can get more attractive groupies than you. If you wear an sandals, I reserve the right to step on your toes to teach you a lesson. If you wear a heel of any kind, I reserve the right to pre-emptively injure you to save others.

"Thou shalt not steal."

If you are going to a concert as a fun thing to do with a friend and hadn't even heard of the band before that night, that's cool (but see above). But let the real fans have the drumsticks and picks when they're thrown out! Note, this has nothing to do with the fact that so far I have never once gotten a drumstick or pick and virtually every single one of my "sure, I'll go" friends have.

"Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor."

If you get touched, don't be a little bitch about it. While you are sitting there squealing at the prospect of human contact outside of one of your little sorority parties, everyone else is busy realizing this is a crowded concert and personal bubbles mean shit. If any of us touch you, rest assured it's not because we're attempting to molest or harm you. That comes later when there isn't anything good happening.

"Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's house."

The goal of any halfway intelligent concertgoer is to reach the front of the venue, center of the stage, two feet from the performers. If you get shoved past, bumped, jostled, or spit on in someone's attempt to do this, toughen up. Push up there yourself or go sit in the back with all the other babies. But don't whine at me with jealousy when I am the target of the band's spit.


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Snippets is the free online magazine from Cut Out + Keep featuring the best in indie & DIY.

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