One of my best friends is ruining her own wedding!

There isn't anything you can or should do. It's their wedding and whatever you think the wedding should be or who should be included in the wedding isn't your decision. It's a shame that the groom is unhappy with the choices his bride is making but if he doesn't have enough backbone to stand up for what he wants than he is going to have to deal with the inevitable estrangement that will be put between him and his family due to the choices his bride is making. It is entirely possible that the bride does not feel or is not close with her family and that is the real reason why she doesn’t want family at the wedding. However speaking as a huge fan of Halloween- it isn’t likely many of her friends would be willing to show up to an October 31 wedding, especially since that is a Monday and all around a bad day for a wedding.

Regardless, talking to “Bridezilla” about her wedding plans and pointing out that you think she’s making mistakes in her choice isn’t your place. I’ve come to find that many people who are making bad choices when it comes to their wedding usually end up having to revise those choices later. It’s likely that her family will say something or hopefully her fiancé, that it isn’t just her wedding and that by not including her relatives and future in-laws she is separating herself from them in the worst possible way. And more often than not those who pick a bad wedding date will end up having to change it when they realize that no one is willing to come to said wedding on a Monday night let alone on a holiday.

Trust me on that- my future sister-in-law was the same way. She vainly held onto this made up belief that despite the mass amounts of debt her and her now husband were racking up that they’d be able to afford to get married at an extravagant theater here in town. They had to put off the wedding several times and eventually her husband convinced her that the high-end wedding she wanted wasn’t going to happen. They had a nice little wedding in the crap hole of America- if her husband hadn’t been my best friend and my brother’s boyfriend I wouldn’t have ever driven the 10 hours there and back crammed in a car with 10 of my boyfriend’s relatives. But it was a beautiful wedding regardless of not having the large budget wedding she wanted to have.

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22 replies since 20th February 2011 • Last reply 20th February 2011

A few of her friends, as well as her twin sister, have kinda been hoping that her fiance would leave her because she throws a fit every time she doesn't get her way. It frustrates me that they're still together because she complains that he isn't romantic enough, yet he wanted to take her to the Bahamas in November for vacation. She wanted to go to California and fought with him until he gave in and bought plane tickets to LA. When they got there, instead of going sight-seeing and out to romantic dinners, she wanted to go to the thrift stores.

I know the bride's family a little bit.. when her mom went to the hospital for dehydration when she was gardening, she was less worried about her own mother than anyone else was. Her brother has autism and she's embarrassed about him even though all of her friends think he's a nice kid. It's hard to see someone who I consider to be a friend shut out her family like that and not even care. Her friends seem to care more about her family than she does.

I just feel bad for her fiance... I wish he'd put his foot down more often.

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I agree that her fiancé should put his foot down. It is hard to watch people behave like that and not speak up or say something (especially for me- let’s face it I have a habit of saying something and being fully honest with others). But in the end she has to live with the choices she makes and so does he. If they are willing to live with each other just as they are right now- he a spineless gizzard (sorry to say it, I'm sure he is a nice guy but he needs a back bone) and her, a bossy shrew- then my blessings to them both.

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Yeah. I've told him a ton of times in the past that he needs to not let her have her way every time she wants something different from what he wants.
He's trying to schedule a vacation down to the Bahamas or something for March, but she wants to go to London. He pays for all of the vacations since he works 70 hours a week at a steel factory and she's only an apprentice tattoo artist. I told him it's more than been his turn to choose the vacation spot, and that if she really wants to go to London, he should tell her to pay for it herself. He got a big kick out of that.

I just really want my girl friend to realize what she's doing to her fiance, but I need to get him to do that himself.

And don't be sorry to say he's a spineless gizzard... lol. He's just too... infatuated with her more than in love with her, I think.

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Oh I know that story really well. A big part of my future brother and sister-in-law's debt came from the many vacations SHE took before their wedding. I kind of wondered how she was able to take a trips every month pre-wedding. Luckily my boyfriend's brother has grown a back bone lately and has been taking a stand against his wife.

I have seen the side of her that he fell in love with (although common sense seems to be lacking with them both). But I've also seen reasons to worry for their happiness. He was my best friend in high school and I was happier than I could say when he got married but he is unhappy now and it's a shame that he didn't realize fully who he was marrying until it was too late.

All you can do though sometimes is hope things work out. And love she always have hope in it.

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It's a tough situation you are in as you are a bit piggy in the middle. You're damned if you say something and damned if you don't. There is a brilliant Latin saying...don't worry I will write it in English.....it says "lovers are lunatics"!

It's hard to see reality when wrapped up in fluffy cotton candy feelings. Reality hits when the bills land on the carpet and the car breaks down and you've run out of tea bags ;D

The groom to be sounds like he is walking round with rose tinted glasses on. It's ok to be romantic and to please a partner but it sounds like your friend is taking advantage of his kind nature.

Maybe the guy has had a tough time growing up and doesn't believe that he is worth being listened to or loved for who he is. It sounds like he is making decisions based on the least amount of conflict that will be created.

He needs to be able to be a true partner in the relationship and know that his opinions also count. I worries me that they are getting married with their relationship being based on one person's point of view.

Your friend needs to stop being child-like throwing hissy fits to get her own way too. It won't get her a good reputation if she pulls that kind of thing in a work environment and her client list will be short.

Maybe she is a bit embarassed by her family. Hands up all those who have got a strange maiden aunt or an eccentric in their family....Right you can put them down again....Family is about acceptance regardless. She seems to have a shallow view of close relationships which is also worrying.

Maybe as a compromise she could have a small get together for her friends after the wedding if she is so worried about family and friends meeting.

I hope they can come to some understanding and get a balance in their lives to keep their relationship healthy. All you can do is listen really. Good luck x

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Thanks, Sheila.
My girl friend really wants me to come to her wedding, but I'd feel awful if I went and asked where her mom or brother were and she said they weren't invited. The only family member she seems to like is her sister because they're both "punk" girls. To add in a bit of humor, I don't think her mother and her brother are punk enough for her, since her mom likes to garden and her brother has a hard time communicating with people. All of her other friends that I know are the kind of shallow wannabe-hardcore punk or rockabilly/gothabilly type that don't want to do anything in life but have a contest to see who can die with the most tattoos...and after talking to my girl friend's sister, I found out that she really is trying to get more tattoos than the rest of her friends.

The thing that I find the weirdest is that both the bride and the groom are very Christian, yet the bride doesn't want to have her family around her. I grew up in a Christian household, and family was everything... it still is and I've become a Discordian.

I guess at this point, I could provide some background information on both the bride and the groom...
The bride is right now a tattoo apprentice. She works 32 hours a week at the tattoo shop and works 15 hours over the weekend in a retail store--but most of what she does at the tattoo shop are take calls and schedule appointments... she does the fewest tattoos of all the artists so she doesn't make much money for herself at all, especially since the only people that get tattoos from her are her friends, and most of them go to other artists now. She's convinced though that she can make a living doing tattoos 20 hours a week and that's it.

Her fiance works his ass off like I'm sure I've said, and he's probably only a few years away from making a 6-figure salary. He claims to really be in love with my girl friend, but I'm convinced it's just infatuation since he does everything for her to make her love him. I spent a weekend with them at an amusement park in Ohio, and the whole time she was complaining about how much she hates amusement parks and how he's selfish because he's spending time with his friends from other states... he told her that if she wanted, she could stay at the hotel with her sister and they could go somewhere together but she refused, and I think it's because she didn't want to see anyone have fun. She refused to go on any of the rides with her fiance, so I had to go on them with him instead of riding with one of his single girl friends who needed a partner on the ride. She just kindof stunk up the whole weekend. I was about the most party-neutral person there, so everyone came venting to me about how she was spoiling their fun by complaining.

I just want them to go their separate ways so both of them can be happy and so she can grow up a bit and get over herself. Heh.

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You're so right..she needs to grow up and take a hard look at reality. He is so on the wrong footing if he thinks he would be with her if he wasn't earning what he does. He is enabling her to continue to behave badly because he fears losing her. It's not a good start to a life of committment.

Maybe it's because of her christian upbringing that she is worried about friends meeting family...ummm...look at it from the other way round. She might be embarrassed about how her friends might act given that she was brought up different and is worried that they may clash with their ideals....she can't say that to her scene friends so it's easier for her to blame her family...what do you think?

I get it a bit more now with the sub culture thing. Some scene people are so wrapped up in their appearance and how others see them that it becomes a way of life that excludes 'ordinary people'. I call it scene snobbery. I'm a sad old goth who dresses in lolita, victorian and steampunk stuff.

There's nothing nicer than 'walking out' particularly in Whitby (the place where Bram Stoker wrote Dracula) in period costume and being stopped for a photo. Me and my fella have a yearly visit as it is close to where we live, but we have a real life too were we wear house coats and slippers...Lol

There's a lot of good old fashioned respectability and a feeling of friendliness in Whitby and no one tries to show off. Last year my fella helped a lady get into her house after locking herself out. All done while dressed like a victorian curate....Lol



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I think the scene thing might have a lot to do with why she doesn't want her mom and brother to be at the wedding. It's just sad because her brother loves the hell out of her and her mom cares a lot about her, too, enough to make sure she always has a place to live and food to eat when she's not with her fiance.

I'm more into the casual gothic style, which I think is why she wanted to be friends with me in the first place... not because I was interesting on my own, but because I had a Bauhaus patch on my hoodie when we first met. I connect more with her sister because her sister is much more level-headed and not so concerned about how well she fits into a scene... she also works a lot harder. lol But I mean, Ms. Bride is still someone I consider to be a friend because when her fiance isn't around, she's actually tolerable and fun to be around. I just hate how she acts so different around other people when she's with her fiance... she gets bitchy and shouty and just isn't fun. And when he's away from her, he's much more laid back and seems to have an easier time speaking his mind.

I want to see a long-term relationship work out for both of them, but I don't think they should be with each other... Plus, she's 22 and he's 30, so there's a huge gap in age, maturity, and financial desires. I feel like they just need to sip on some reality and figure out what it is that they both really want so that both of my friends can be more fun to hang out with whether they're together or not.

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It's funny as the first thing I said to my fella was 'nice coat' and I walked of to do the rest of my deliveries. It turned out we had a lot of simular values and ideas even though we expressed them differently. We have fun playing devil's advocate just to have a giggle.

I feel sorry for your friend. How can she be truely happy if she is chasing after something that isn't real. Maybe she is marking her territory when her fiance is around to proclaim loudly 'look at us'. It's sad that she feels she has to be anyone but the person you know when he is not around, and sad for him that he is shouted down when they are in others company.

The age gap may be a bit of a strain too and it sounds like she really hasn't had much life experience. If her family are still supporting her financially and physically is she really ready to change things where she has to look after herself and be independant or will she go running back home when she doesn't like something.

They will do what they want to even if others think it is not a good idea. I really feel for you too being put in an awkward position. Especially as you know her family as well and you know how much they care for her.

If she does get her way with the wedding it could cause family resentment that may last for years. It would be awful to think that they may have children that don't get to see grandma because a bad feeling.



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Yeah, it really sucks for me when something goes wrong because I'm the first person her fiance talks to when he feels like crap or gets frustrated, and aside from her sister, I'm the first person my girl friend comes running to when the same thing happens... so it's like trying to play monkey in the middle with two people who can't throw to each other very well. There are things that both of them have told me about the other that I can't tell to either of them... and I don't think that's healthy for any of us, especially them.

Kids are another issue, too... He wants kids because he's old enough and financially stable enough to support and care for children, but she never wants to have kids for reasons that she never explains to him, so there are a lot of drops in important conversations that normal/healthy couples go through.

I just want her to realize that family is important to him, and it should be to her, as well. Hopefully her sister will talk some sense into her and tell her to invite their mom and brother... and the groom's family, too. I feel like I should talk to her sister, but I'm worried that she might tell the bride things in the wrong way, and I don't want to be the "bad guy" and lose friends.

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I suggest the next time they have an argument and come to you- you tell them you want nothing to do with it and that if they can't learn to talk to each other when these things happen like adults than they might want to consider a prenump.

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wait, isn't marriage about family? sounds like they want different things. We can't stop them form acting this way, but I am sure she will probly regret not having family on her big day

and pink weeds, if they can't act like adults, maybe they should reconsider the whole marriage thing.

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Oh I agree with that- thus why I said they should consider a prenump. Prenumps will automatically have them reconsidering their marriage. They should also be getting couples counseling which a lot of priests and pasters require couples to go through before marriage. Although justices of the peace probably don't care and if they are just having a friend with an online printout ordainment then obviously that person wouldn't care either.

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I would be a bit sneaky and arrange for both of them to meet you on neutral ground like a quiet cafe. Make sure one arrives a bit before the other....you may need to rope in a few friends to pull it off....then when they are together with you say something like...

....'right you two I think you have got some talking to do and I'm not taking sides, I'm giving you the oppertunity to sort yourselves out'

They will both know what you mean and they will probably be too embarrassed to say anything as you calmly walk out waving and saying you will see them later.

That way you haven't betrayed any of the things they both have confided in you and they will have to talk to each other at the very least about why you said what you said. Put the ball back in their court and let them know how it feels to be you ;)

Saying the most simple truths is better than dealing with complex situations were you are expected to be an ear for them both. It's not fair on you.

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