Are We Crazy?
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 3 months, but since the day we saw each other for the first time almost 3 years ago we've been in love. We really want to get married but we have 2 problems... Firstly, I'm 17, so I'm still in school. Secondly, my parents are the kind of people that think you should only get married after you've finished studying at university. We don't want to wait 8 more years to get married and we can't get married without my parents' support. What my parents don't understand though is that I've wanted to get married when I was around 19 years old since I was 5, and no that's not the reason I want to marry Chris. We want to spend the rest of our lives together but we have so many people who stand in our way, my parents included. They say we're stupid and it'll end up with divorce but they don't know how we feel about each other..
Are we crazy for wanting to get married so young?
Speaking from 'the other end' (somewhere between 30-40 let's say!)- I got engaged at 17, by 23 I had changed so much (but he had not) that I was miserable. Moreover, my fiancee was very angry because I was no longer the little lady he had fallen for. He resorted to keeping us together with threats that he would 'die' etc' if we split- that worked for a few months until, it started to drive me mad too (don't take this the wrong way but it sounded a bit 'teenage' to me). We split, he (now in his late 20s) dated and married a sheltered 18 year old- they are happy, perhaps they were made for each other, perhaps he wanted deep down to be forever young, who knows.
On the other hand, 2 school friends of mine dated at school, engaged at 16, married at 20 and are very happy. However they did go to uni, worked together in a children's home etc' and are now different people but still in love. They are mid 30s and it worked for them. But, they were never 'romantic' or 'rebelling'- for one in their culture you marry young... there was no 'no-one understands us' stuff with them as I recall. They were more like the sensible, organised ones who seemed much older than the rest of us!
Don't underestimate the amount you will change between 17 and even your mid 20s. Get engaged perhaps, but don't 'tie the knot' legally/before God too early- it's a permanent thing.
On a final note, don't take this the wrong way: "they don't know how we feel about each other..." no, they don't know exactly, HOWEVER:
-An older person HAS been 17, in love/heartbroken. So have you.
-An older person HAS experienced the tough stuff (working a 14 hour day to make ends meet, never seeing each other because of shifts, dirty nappies, changing priorities, the OH no longer looking like a movie star...) - but, and this is the crux- YOU haven't.
It's not an opinion the media likes to put out there (it wouldn't sell TV shows and teen love movies, would it?) but it's true. They probably 'know' something pretty near to what you are feeling from experience, but you haven't got experience of the (less pleasant) side of marriage/living together which they have.
I would say get engaged by all means but wait until you have had a few years to discover your adult selves- not just in an emotional way but in terms of practicals as well.
I have to agree with Squizita. Especially about changing, ok I did go to Uni and I changed sooo much as a person, but I don't think that it's because of Uni specifically. I think that people grow up more, take on more responsibilities and look at life a whole lot differently. At 17 you're still fairly sheletered with school and stuff (well in the UK you finish compulsary school @ 16). You'll find when you have to find jobs that you become more adult and independant, paying bills blah blah blah and your outlook on life is very different. Dealing with different situations changes you as a person also...
You are not crazy.... but why hurry?? You can be together without getting married yet....
At your age I also had a boyfriend I wanted to marry, but once I started college I realized we wanted different things in life. I changed, he didn't. I was with him for more than three years. In college you will inevitably change... you will meet so many more people you might even find the real love of your life. You really should not marry so young. Wait until you can live all the new experiences college brings. You will grow as a person, you will discover new things about yourself.
And more importantly... don't do something as important as getting married without your parents support... family will always be there for you... maybe your boyfriend will not.
Like Squizita said... discover your adult selves first...
I agree with the ladies, I have been engaged twice, and each time broke it off. You still need to discover yourself. Your parents want the best for you, and honestly if you love each other, you can wait a few years. Wait till your frist year of uni or college.See if you still feel the same way about each other.
Our bodies are hardwired to start feeling these strong emotions of love very early in life. We are able to make babies when we, ourselves are still babies...BUT life is harder now for young couples. Both people will have to work, and at least one must have some college education in order to have a "comfortable" life. Right now you are used to your parents paying for everything, so you really have no idea how expensive living on your own can be. You don't just have rent, you have utilities, food, insurance, car payments...even the little things like shampoo, toilet paper, and laundry detergent add up to a LOT! lol (plus gas, oil changes, car insurance, an accidental flat tire....)
I'm not saying your love isn't real. My grandmother got married at 15 and they stayed together for over 40 years. (Until my grandpa died) so, yeah, your love is probably real. BUT....
Living together is very stressful. Once you take on all these adult responsibilities, your whole mindset changes. If you're trying to buy groceries, but he wants a video game, or you want a pair of shoes when he's trying to fill the car with gas and get the oil changed...Fights are sure to ensue. Honey, you can't even get a credit card yet! lol Money problems are one of the biggest factors in divorce. It's best to wait till you are both old enough and hold decent jobs before you embark on this extremely expensive journey!
Besides, marriage is only a piece of paper that legally allows you to get better income taxes, change your name, be on his insurance...etc. You don't need that slip of paper to be in love or to have a wonderful relationship.
If it's really important to you, have a "ceremony" for just yourselves where you say your "vows" but agree that the legal side of it must wait for when you are both more stable.
If it is true love, it can wait. If you just really want an excuse to move out of your parent's home....DON'T DO IT! lol Mooch of them and save your money for as long as you can! Trust me. lol
Good luck, and congratulations on finding your soul mate. ;) BUT REMEMBER...Save your money, save it, save it, SAVE IT!!! lol
1 in 100 people marry their high school sweetheart and only 1 in 3 of those marriages make it past the first year.
My sister married her high school sweetheart but they dated until after she finished college and then married.
Also your brain doesn't stop growing until you are about 25 which means you still have a lot of growing and changing that you will be doing in the next 8 years. The likelyhood of getting out of that the same person and still in love with the same person is very slim. I'm not saying it's impossible, I started dating my boyfriend when I was 18 and we've been together for 6 years- if anything I'm more in love with him now. But when I look at who I was at 18, that girl isn't here anymore. I'm so different, I wouldn't recognize myself now. And anytime anyone said anything about marriage before I was 24 I sort of froze up. There was no way I was ready for being married and what that really meant.
When I worked in the school district, I noticed a lot of girls have what I call Disney Syndrom. It's the general belief that they are supposed to meet Mr. Right and fall in love at 16 and if they don't they won't ever find Mr. Right. Its just not realistic.
So you love him, he loves you. That's really cool to have someone love you like that. But wouldn't it be cooler if you knew he was going to love you when you're no longer the same girl you are now? Because you aren't going to be the same girl you are now 8 years down the road. I'm a firm believer that true love waits. If you two really love each other and its forever, then why rush down the isle at such a young age? You can't even have drink on your wedding day- that's no fun. Give your relationship a real chance. Because if you rush through it at 19 you're doing yourself a disfavor.
You are not crazy at all. But i agree with what the others have said. You may well get married when u are 18...but whos to say you wont change from then onwards. And you may not feel the same way that you did or you transform into a woman and find that you like new things, you like to lookdiferent ect i hope you get where im going with this. And of course when you arent married these things are easy to resolve you can just say okay fair do goodbye. But when you are married its harder . There are going to be more emotions attatched to the situation and some people have found that they end up rather miserable cos they have changed and dont feel free anymore. Im talking from experience and im not even at the marriage part yet trust me. Just dont rush things sweety okay.
I married my husband at 19 (he was 21) and we've been happily married almost 3 years. We were both ready to get married, and we knew that once we were married we were going to stay that way.
Marriage is a lot harder than you would think. I have friends that married around the same time I did and they are already divorced. They thought that they would be able to get married and everything would be the same as it was when they were dating. Dates become almost nonexistant, and you have to work to keep the romance and love alive.
I married my husband when I was 22. I wish we'd waited, but we were kind of backed into a rock and a hard place with it. I was fighting for custody of my son and my lawyer insisted that it looked bad that I was living with my boyfriend, unmarried. He called it "shacking up". So we got married, no ceremony or anything.
You are not crazy, as others have said. I was engaged at that time. I am certainly glad we did not get married in the general engagement/marriage time frame--I knew him inside and out, honest--and then he turned schizophrenic. No joke.
SO glad I got out of that one.
My point is this: Oftentimes, personality disorders show themselves around this time. Not to freak you out, but how would you feel if you got married, and a month or so later, one of you developed a completely DIFFERENT personality? It doesn't matter if you say "but I have known him for forever." That's not it. I'm sure you do know him inside and out--but when a personality change happens, it happens--and trust me, it always happens.
People with successful marriages do change, but they grow together. That is, I believe, a choice you have to actively make together. Unfortunately, he chose to not grow with me--but that's a different story.
The point is this: Yes, personalities change so much during this time, and I understand you are sick of hearing that at this point. HOWEVER, please understand that, much of the time, that sort of personality change is not something one can help, because it is actually a chemical and physical change that happens within one's brain.
ALSO!!! I think it is HIGHLY immature of your parents to say that you are "stupid" for wanting to get married! HELLOOOOOO!!!! They were young once, too, supposedly. ;) Anyway, I think it's shameful that they would treat your relationship so flippantly.
Thanks for the advice guys, I really appreciate it.
@Rachie, Chris has schizophrenia but it's not that bad so we know how to cope if there's a "situation" with it. And I'm glad to see someone agrees with my that it's not right of my parents to say that.
Well, if my 17 year old daughter told me she wanted to get married to her high school boyfriend I suspect my reaction wouldn't be much different. Lol! I'd probably tell them they weren't allowed to date each other for at least 6 months. Not to be mean, but because I would want them to test their relationship, date a bit and see if it really is a matter of true love or teenage hormones.
A lot of teenagers have very passionate relationships in high school. I wasn't one of them, I guess I was too fully aware of how unrealistic it was because I sort of laughed at the kids who had these. In the end they never worked out. Except for one couple who have been dating since our freshmen year so that puts them together for more than 10 years, but they haven't gotten married yet. My point is, love when you are that young is so wild and uncontrollable like a wild fire, that it sort of takes a lot of teens by surprise when it burns out at the end of the summer. When kids are talking about getting married as soon as high school is over and being with each other forever- it makes me wonder if its just because they are afraid of being alone. And usually that need to rush into a marriage at such a young age has more to do with the fact that the relationship isn't going to last and they both know it, but they think that by getting married to each other they will be able to keep it going forever.
End of the day, you're going to do what you're going to do. You're not going to hear what any of us say regardless of how much older we are or how much more experience we have because you're not ready to hear it. If you were ready to hear it you'd have listened to your parents and heard what they had to say and what their concerns are. But you're young, in love and you don't want to hear about how true love waits, how your brains haven't stopped growing yet, how you will change a great deal between now and when you turn 25 or how most relationships in high school don't last.
But I would seriously warn against getting married without your parents blessing. The last thing you want to do is distance yourself from your family at such a young age.
^ That's a good idea. Take a break from each other and date(not sexual or anything, just see other people) and see if you still feel that way about each other.
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