Bad Night

My boyfriend came and got me after he got off of work last night and we went to the store to get groceries for his grandparents. We were talking and whatnot and he had mentioned us living together again and I told him again my terms for that, (engagment). So we were in a good mood and having a good time and we get to his grandparents house and he's putting away the groceries and talking to them about renting their old house. Something I'm not really for because it's in a really bad neighborhood and I'd never want to live there. He went off to use the computer to figure out rent cost and his grandmother and I sat at the dinning room table talking.

I took off my rings for whatever reason and grandma asked if my promise ring was an engagment ring. (I get that a lot because it's almost half a c.) I said no and she said "Of course not, he wouldn't get engaged without telling me. Besides he isn't the marrying type he's got too much of a wondering eye like his Uncle --." She looked over at me and then said "Of course he'd stay faithful to you but five years from now.." Talk about low blows. So he calls his grandmother in to look at rent costs with him and I follow her in and they start talking about finances and whatnot and she brings up a "big loan" and asks him if he can afford them both and Josh asks me to leave so they could discuss it and I basically flat out let him know he couldn't expect much of a future with me if he couldn't even talk about his finances with me. He still wanted me to leave so I went out into the dinning room, waited until they finished and asked him to take me home. He was pretty upset, didn't really understand why I was upset until I told him about the conversation I had with his grandmother while he was out of the room and he went off the wall about what she said. He told me about the loan and said he just felt weird talking about it with her in the room.

We sat in silence for most of the ride but when we got to my house he asked me to not go in upset so I let him talk and tell me how much he loved me and was trying to get his stuff in order so we can live together. I know everything he's said is true and that he loves me and wants to marry me but it really stung like a wasp to hear what his grandmother said and then have it followed up with a dismissal from the conversation.

I guess I'm lucky because I have an amazing boyfriend who really loves me and stands up for me when something like this happens. (He apparently was going to talk to his grandmother about what she said) and its not the first time he's gotten in a fight with her because of the way she's behaved towards me. But it does suck to have someone he is so close to so set against me.

I don't know, I guess I just needed to get that off my chest.

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post
15 replies since 10th November 2010 • Last reply 10th November 2010

Don't take what she says too much to heart. She's old and set in her ways. Although by marrying your BF, you'll be marrying her (family wise)...you don't have to live with her and she doesn't have to dictate how you guys live your lives.

He obviously respects her opinion, which is admirable of a young guy when these days most men think they know everything. lol And who knows, maybe you were asked to leave the room so they could discuss a surprise?

And, don't worry about the BF vs. Uncle thing. He's your man and you know him prolly better than anyone. He's NOT his uncle. ;)

If the only issue you can find with moving in and marrying this guy are the silly comments his Grandmother has, then you've got a good guy. If he hasn't personally given you cause for pause...then go forward with a happy expression on your face and in your heart. Don't let a batty old bat ruin what could be a really happy memory!

Besides, like I said...it's probably a surprise they're brewing. ;)

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

Also, forgot to mention...Bought groceries for his grands AND put them away? That sounds like a pretty decent guy. ;)

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

Ahhh, I should have made Shlomi wait for me to move in 'till we were engaged.... but that would have killed our relationship, as we lived 6 time zones away.

You're lucky in that respect... and good luck with the grandmother. ;)

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

We lived together for 3 years but I moved out because of that "wondering eye" his grandmother was talking about. Thus the terms of our ever living together again stand as they do. Grandma is hardly batty. And they def. weren't discussing any surprises. They were talking about money he owes her from when he was a teenager to pay off his debt.

Grandma is a rather manipulitive and controlling woman. She's always been the center of her family and she plans on keeping it that way. She doesn't really care much for me since we broke up last year.

Don't get me wrong, Josh is an amazing man who has always been there for me even when things were really complicated between us. He came and got me from work when I had gotten sick even though we weren't talking to each other or together anymore, took me to the doctor and paid my co-op fee. He's not a bad guy but I've always known who he was. Women fall in love with him pretty easily and its hard to not take advantage of that, even though he doesn't cheat it can be hard to deal with other women trying to destroy your relationship.

But lately his grandmother has been the most difficult thing in our relationship. She's been trying to drive us apart pretty much since we got back together last year. She's made us both uncomfortable and on edge when we're around her and she's said some pretty outlandish things. She knows full well what she's doing and she doesn't really care what the outcome is. Even his mother has warned me to watch out for Grandma because she's all sweetness and smiles to your face but razerblades behind your back.

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

I know this sounds really bad...but she won't live for ever. Lol.

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

lol my boyfriend's great grandmother lived to be over 100.

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

I agree with Dessah on her first post and I was too thinking the same thing about her not living forever. You know Pink we don't mean any harshness or wish the old lady dead or nothing like that. That would be just, just... "wrong" and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy (if I had any), but you just don't want that to be something to look forward to even if she does live to be 100+. I have to say though, Ma Barker does sound like a mess.

Wondering eye *rubbing chin*, hmm. I just have mixed opinions on that one. One can look at another till the cows come home, but when he does outright gawking and drool on his chin in your face when you are together, then that's just disrespectful. Also, so long as he doesn't try to befriend any of the women that he's looking at then it's ok too I guess, but like I said it's a touchy subject with me. I'm not going to throw statistics in this, but it seems that a lot of men do have the wondering eye and don't get me wrong, some women do too. But if you trust him enough to know that he will dismiss the chicken heads that try to approach him, then he's mos def a keeper. Oh, not to say that he is guilty of anything, just saying that goes for anyone of either gender.

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

You said you broke it off before because of his looking at other women. Did he ever cheat on you before? (Sorry if you mentioned this, either way, and I didn't notice when reading.)

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

Well, I guess you just have to decide if this relationship is worth putting up with a mean old woman for. You could always figure in a way to move out of town...or state! lol

Also...just in my opinion, is this whole rant thing just a way for you to justify leaving him because deep down you may not be happy? Not saying you should just up and leave. It's just that people sometimes invent reasons to make the outcome of their situation lean more towards the outcome that the subconscious part of their brain would prefer. Did that make sense? lol

Your brain knows best, but your heart sometimes takes over and causes you great confusion. I know I've done that before.

My mama only gave me one good piece of advice and I'll share it with you now. If there is one thing about the man you're with that drives you crazy, to the point of madness, he's not the man for you. If he picks his nose and it makes you hate him, or if he has a terrible laugh and it embarrasses you...etc, then that one thing will get bigger and bigger until one day you just can't stand it anymore and you have to leave him but you look back and realize that you've already wasted 7+ years of your life, and leaving wouldn't be as easy now as it would have been then.

So, if this roaming eye thing bothers you. You might want to really think about it. Or talk to him about it at least.

I had an ex that I stayed with for 5 years and we had a very similar situation. When we announced our engagement to his mother, she looked at me like I was slime, looked at the ring, then said (I kid you not) "Give it a year, then ask ME again" "me" as in "her". lol I'm like, Bitch, he's not marrying YOU! lol Actually, I'm glad I left him. Referencing the previous paragraph, He had these tiny little feet and he walked on his toes. Every time he'd walk around barefoot, I'd see his feet and get so angry I'd want to barf. lol I don't know why.

My husband now does a lot of "little" things that my ex did, but rather than gross me out, it makes me love him more. I think that's the difference in true love. Like, Josh will do this thing (OH, he's gonna kill me for saying this) Where he'll use both his hands to pick his noes. He'll use the first hand, and while he's wiping, that finger (GROSS) He'll be digging with the other hand. lol It's gross, of course, but it's so cute to me. lol There is literally NOTHING about Josh (my Josh, lol) that I don't like.

Not to keep on about it...but if you guys have broken up quite a few times, (not sure if there were more times than the one) then maybe that's your brain telling you something. *Shrugs Don't let me talk you into anything though. Really sit down and think about it. Write out (literally) your relationship pros and cons. ;)

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

oh wow! No it was just a rant! I'm not thinking of leaving him by any means! I was just upset over what Grandma had said.

Josh has never cheated on me. He's done stupid things that he knew he shouldn't do in a relationship but cheating hasn't been one of them.

Josh and I aren't in a relationship where we break up every couple of months. I really don't want you guys to get the wrong idea but that seems to be happening anyway. Josh and I have been together for 6 years and only have had one break from each other. Josh was seriously free to do whatever during that time. Don't think I was sitting around waiting for him either. I did a few things I'm ashamed of during that time and so did he but it helped us to realize that we love each other and that no one else compares.

Trust me Dessah, you've pretty much got it all wrong from go. I'm not unhappy with Josh, Josh didn't do anything wrong and he especially didn't do anything wrong in this situation. When I say that I have always known who I was dating, I mean he has a reputation that I was aware of before ever having met him of being a ladies man. Trust me when I say we are both equally flawed in person. I guess the word "wondering eye" was the wrong one for me to use- it was just the one his grandmother kept repeating so it was in my head. The truth is girls like him easily. He often sees it as an innocent friendship, generally is aware when someone has a crush on him- enjoys the flattery, but doesn't cross the line and let's them know their place. He's been known to bring girls home in the middle of the night so they could meet me if they've been hitting on him too much. (its one of the few times where he doesn't have a problem with me walking around in my short pajama shorts and a tank with his friends) He also loves the story about me answering the door naked when one of these girls showed up at 1 in the morning uninvited.

I can't falt him for what crazy obsessed girls do, he does everything right in letting them know that he's not interested. He shuns gifts, introduces them to his single friends and shows off pictures of me to them. Some girls just have a hard time taking a hint. And it's not that I haven't had my fair share of men who have been after me. Josh and I weren't apart for a full week without me getting asked out by a couple of guys from my work. Several guys that I've known for years were really upset when they found out they missed the chance of dating me after Josh and I got back together. Hell, my ex boyfriend from London was even calling me when Josh and I were apart (that one came out of no where).

The difference is that the guys who have been interested in me in the past few years have all been respectful enough to not try to ruin my happiness, with the exception of one and that one was so horrible that he out-does any of the crazy chicks that have been attracted to Josh. I don't know what it is that women tend to have less respect for the fact that a man is in a relationship but that always seems to be the case. It drives me insane but I think that it stems from the fact that these women have very low self-esteem that they only go after guys who aren't intersted, reject them non-stop and are happy with someone else. Men don't seem to do this very often. Most men are respectful of the fact that a girl is in a relationship. Most men won't date a girl who is in a relationship or even tell her that he likes her. At least that's been my experience.

But back to what I was originally trying to get across. This was just a rant, it wasn't me looking for relationship advice (unless you got a nice way to tell grandma to shove it up her A**) I'm not about to put blame on someone who didn't do anything wrong. (trust me, I have no problem letting Josh know when he does mess up though). My relationship with Josh is solid. He's a good guy who like everyone has his flaws, but he really does love me and anyone who sees us together can't deny that.

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

Oh, well that's a relief. I'm soooo sorry if I offended you. For real. It's just that now that I, myself have such a wonderful man, I want nothing more than for every other (deserving) woman to have one too, and sometimes I just get in a tizzy when I think a good girl is being treated poorly.

I think there's something to this "guys named Josh" thing. lol They seem to be good guys. lol

Ok, back to the original point, cause I went schizo for a minute. lol

Tell Granny that you appreciate her help, and start asking her for advice on things. Like, "Oh, this is the best roast beef, what's your secret?" and "how do you keep your flowers blooming?" Or other random things that a good housewife should need to know, or things that she may have a lot of pride in herself for.

I'm not sure if she's the type of gal who would see your scheme, but maybe if you show her that you want to be a good wife for her grandson and you're open to her opinions (even though you're not!) maybe she'll mellow out?

I don't know? Good luck with that one. lol I can warn a person about bad men till the cows come home, cause I've had my share....but grannies? LMAO...not so much.

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

older people are like that, she could be scared that you may take her little grandson away from her. Who knows maybe she will change her mind

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

yea, I'm not very used to being around old people. I had only one grandparent growing up and while we were super close she was so young at heart it was hard to realize she was old. But she passed away 8 years ago so I'm not exactly sure what to do around old people now.

Not that a 70+ year old woman who walks a mile every day, tears up her own carpets and works from 4 in the morning unil late at night really can be considered old. She's more active than most 20 year olds. I suspect that might be why she scares me a bit- she could totally take me down in a fight.

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

This is going to sound mean...but oh well, to heck with it.

If I was in your grandma situation I would just straight up tell her to mind her own business. Mind you I am a pretty outspoken person and worked in a nursing home almost 2 years so I'm pretty comfortable around old folks. Grandma sounds like a very strong independent woman that would actually RESPECT the fact that you stood up for your beliefs. I may be WAY off, since I don't actually know the lady but alot of old people take advantage of their age and manipulate people to the point of nonsense. I am all for respecting your elders and have been complemented quite often on my "manners", but regardless of the age difference Grandma has no right to treat you like dirt. She sounds like someone that stirs up trouble just cause she needs chaos. These people are pretty much impossible to make happy, and it's better to devote your time and energy to doing what YOU feel is right.
Maybe your Boyfriend could talk to Grandma...the fact that his Grammy is mean to someone he loves matters to him doesn't it? If she can't accept you, she should still be able to treat you with respect. Like the adult she is.

Also next time Grandma says something for "shock value" just politely thank her for her opinion and start talking about cookies or something. Kill her with kindness if all else fails.

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post


Reply