Am I overreacting?
I literally feel like my boyfriend is out to get me. Well not necessarily out to get me, but he's been making me so stressed out lately and today my sister totally hit the nail right on the head with; "It seems like he just wants you to be dependent on him..."
Basically, I haven't had my license... ever. I'm 20 years old and I just now got over my fear of driving. I'm so afraid that someone is just going to crash into me and send me hurling into my death. I'm still afraid of that but now I don't have panic attacks behind the wheel! I like to think I'm saving other drivers by not driving... So naturally my boyfriend drives me around everywhere. Lately I've been trying to drive though and he won't let me drive his car. (I can because I have a permit, I just need someone licensed in the car too).
Every time that I go in for a job application, he wants to go in with me. That makes me look bad because he always manages to make me look bad. If I'm in an interview, the same thing. He goes in there sooner or later and does something stupid to destroy my chances.
Take for instance today, I had an interview at a restuarant that he isn't fond of me wanting to work at. He doesn't want other guys looking at me and such (I think he should just get over it, guys are going to look if they want. I can't stop them). Well during the interview he takes off in the car and I have no way of contacting him because he doesn't have a phone. So instead of standing outside after the interview for another five minutes I ran across the street to a deli and hid in there hoping (praying) they didn't see this. 15 minutes later he rushes in and yells "WHERE WERE YOU?!"... Excuse me? Where were YOU?! After the manager had just expressed to me how important it is to have reliable transportation... My "reliable" transportation takes off and leaves me.
I don't think I'm overreacting because he made me look awful! He even went into the restuarant while I was in the deli and asked where I was... They told him that they saw me jet off to the deli (punch me. please). And because this isn't the first time, I think I have the right to be mad at him. It sucks because I don't like being mad at him. I live with him so it's hard to be mad at him but still... He doesn't get it!
My advice is to dump him, or give him the worst yelling-at he's ever experienced. He sounds like a complete jackass.
I can understand him not wanting you learning to drive in his car, my husband just got his license and he is 24. He was confident in his driving buuut I wasn't. I had been the sole driver for so long that just riding with him scared me so bad. I don't know why, if it was not trusting his skills or just not being in control anymore. So I could see where your boyfriend is coming from, if it was just the driving thing. But with everything else you've said he deffinetly sounds like a jerk who is just trying to keep you down! I agree win Monica! Either dump his ass or let him know that what he is doing is totally unacceptable and he one gets one more chane to shape up. Good luck though either way.
I agree with Monika, you don't need this kind of person in your life. You should definitely talk to him about this. If he still doesn't change or at least try to be considerate, you're better off without him.
I'm scared to death of driving too. I was in a bad car accident when I was a teenager that left me shaken to the core. But my boyfriend has always been very supportive in pushing me to do the things I'm afraid of. He wants me to drive and be independent. He thinks it's important for me to go out with out him and he has no problem with guys checking me out (I think he enjoys it because he knows I don't give other guys the time of day).
I think if you feel your boyfriend is trying to control you and make you dependent on him that you are in a very dangerous position. The question is what are you going to do to change it? Don't depend on him to teach you to drive, have your sister, parents or a friend take you driving. Ask them to take you to interviews until you get your license and can drive yourself and refuse to allow him to hold you under his thumb. You decide if you’re going to let him make you a victim or not. And at the moment you are the victim in your relationship (doesn’t sound very healthy to me). Relationships are supposed to be partnerships, where each person is equal, it is not supposed to be slavery where one owns the other.
I don't want to break up with him because on Christmas Eve it'll be our 3 year anniversary. I've broken up with him before because he'd take off and leave me all night and he was just being a total jerk. And I dated a guy that I worked with. Well the guy and I didn't see eye to eye on a lot so I left him for my current boyfriend. He hasn't done anything that he used to so this behavior is totally new. He used to let me drive all the time! So last night I did yell at him and I did talk to him and we discussed a lot. We realized that he's acting like this because he doesn't want me to leave him for another guy (like he thought I had done previously). He felt like if I got the job that the guys I would be working with would want to ruin our relationship but I told him that the only person capable of ruining our relationship is him. Nobody else.
So hopefully this doesn't happen again. I already have friends saying they will take me to and from interviews and such. He didn't really like that but he got over it. Thanks for the advice guys!
You are not overreacting in your feelings about your boyfriend. I'm afraid for you because this guy is putting you down to your face, embarrassing you publicly..notably in front of prospective employers..and he's controlling you by being your ride. The fact that you are losing your fear of driving and taking steps toward independence by eventually getting your license probably threatens his control over you. DO NOT stay with this guy. Get away from him ASAP because his jealousy, control and verbal abuse could get worse. This guy is a ticking time bomb who already demeans you and, as you grow independently away from him and challenge his control, he'll try to tighten his grip on you. Just dump him as gently (or not) as you can and move on. You owe this to yourself and to your future. Good luck.
What! Why are you still with this guy...Seems to me like he is a very controlling person and I wouldn't be surprised if he progressed to hitting you. That sounds rash, but he is obviously already very possessive of you and even sabotages job opportunities because of his jealousy. I think there are always warning signs in abusive relationships the question is if you see them for what they are, dangerous signals. Better to get out of the situation now before anything more serious happens.
As for the driving fear, you could always take a driving class. Usually they will provide you with possible stressful scenarios so you feel more comfortable driving by yourself. You should for sure get your license asap because your boyfriend is taking advantage of the situation and likes the dependance it creates. There is always public transportation and I am sure you know relatives that would be happy to drive you to an interview.
Also don't use your upcoming anniversary as an excuse to convince you to stay in a dangerous situation,. What matters is the quality of the relationship NOT the time-frame, plenty of people are in abusive relationships for long periods of time, this does not make their decision to stay a healthy choice. I sincerely wish you the best of luck, and I hope you remain safe and happy.
He wouldn't ever hit me, I know that. Other than the whole thing that happened a few days ago, he really is a good boyfriend. That's why it took me by surprise. He's always taken me where I needed to go, he's actually the one who taught me how to drive and he has always been so supportive. It was just really strange for him to do that when he's never done it before. But he's making it all up to me now and he's doing a pretty good job. I appreciate the concern though!
It would be impossible for any of us to determine if you are in an abusive relationship. From your post it certainly seems like your relationship is unhealthy to say the least. But it is also possible we are only hearing about one bad day and that every other day is perfectly fine.
However I have a couple of things I'd like you to consider; one the reason you gave for why you didn't want to break up with him came across as a much better reason for why you should break up with him than a reason to not break up with him. In fact it was not a good reason at all to stay with someone. You should never stay with someone because you feel like you owe it to them to stay with them or because you think you should.
Another thing you should think about is whether or not you really believe a long-lasting and strong relationship can be founded on distrust and jealousy. Which is where you're relationship is at right now.
And finally, with an open mind and with the fullest desire to be honest with yourself I think you should look at this website to help you understand and determine whether or not you are in a healthy relationship and by no means make any excuses for him which is what you have done in your most recent post- excuses do not make up for bad behavior.
Like Pinkweeds said, don't make excuses for him when his own excuses are fairly pathetic.
Wanting to stay with him just because you're coming up on an anniversary isn't a very good reason for wanting to stay with someone. If he's been controlling in the past, he'll probably be controlling in the future.
I think I should explained a little more. I don't want to stay with him just because it'll be three years. I love him and I know he loves me. He's just dumb. But if he knows I'm serious about something, he does try to fix it. He isn't abusive in any way, just inconsiderate sometimes but I can't say much because I know I'm that way too sometimes. I appreciate the concern though.
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