depression

There are some sites that I don't feel comfortable posting on because there mean old nasty women who get their jollies from bashing other peoples opinions. I feel really comfortable posting here, but there are times when I'm anxious or depressed that I feel like maybe I said the wrong thing, but no one here has ever made me feel bad about speaking my mind so I just equate to the state I'm in.

Sometimes it is hard to talk to therapists, I've had several, and if I didn't like them or feel comfortable sharing with them, I'd leave. Same with doctors, you have to find the right one and feel comfortable being open with them. When I was 19, I hated my psychiatrist! We were always butting heads and one day I started yelling at him and my mom had to remove me from the office. About two years ago, I checked myself into the hospital because I was thinking about suicide, and guess who the doctor was! I was horrified because he was the last person I wanted to talk too. I went in to visit with him anyway and he had no recollection of me because it had been 10 years. I think we didn't get along when I was younger b/c of how surly I was. Now, he's one of my favorite people and he helps me out a lot. I actually saw him today when I was getting signed up for intensive outpatient therapy.

I don't know if you've been in therapy before, but it's not as bad as it seems. A lot of times, I enjoyed going provided I liked my therapist. There are a lot of kind and nurturing people in that profession. I don't know how to tell you to get over the initial fear of going though.

I don't know if the bullying actually bothered you deep down. You were able to shrug it off which is good, but do you hold resentment toward them? Maybe it's something that had an affect on you and you never let your emotions/feelings about it out.

I just went to a concert of my FAVORITE BAND a week ago. and guess what?
I almost didnt go. !?!?!?!
I was afraid to go because it was in another state and i was going alone. And i dont like going places alone (especially big events), with noone to talk to & looking like a loser & everything. But i went because it was my Fav. Band, & i love them so much (theyve really kept me goin for these past few years), & theyre not real popular & dont come near me often. So I knew if i didnt go now, I'd never get to see them. So i went.

For the first hour or so. I was really bored and uncomfortable, alone. But then i sat down, & watched the opening bands ...eventually some guy came & sat next to me. Then he got up & tapped my shoulder to ask to take a picture. I said "sure". & turned around, & ....
THERE STOOD ALL THE MEMBERS OF MY FAVORITE BAND!!!!! (i about had heartattack)
I took the picture, talked to all the guys, hugged them (they were so sweet & warm & toasty. lol), laughed, took my own pic, got autographs, etc. (best thing i couldve imagined!)
It was magical. ^_^

Then me & that guy started talking after they left, & found that we had all the same interests & music tastes ...so we became good friends & hung out the whole night!! It was amazing. And the band did a fuckin fantastic show (i almost cried at one song). And the members talked to us while playing, b/c they knew us now! lol I havnt had that much fun & amazement in a long time.

I guess the moral of my story is, Dont be afraid to get out there & do things. Just because you'll think youll have a bad time. It could turn out amazing. <3
I almost let my fear get the best of me. Dont let it get the best of you.
& keep doing things that you really love. It'll boost your self-esteem & mood a million, i swear.
***Best of luck guys! ***

wow that was long, sorry. lol

That's an awesome story! I wouldn't have been able to do it. I think your courage is amazing! I hope to be able to do something like that some day! Thanks for sharing that. It's really uplifting. =D

That is a pretty awesome story.

I've neer been in therapy, and i dont know if theres a counciller (sp?) at college.
ive tried to find help on young peoples websites but they never seem to help. I really hate talking about myself, if anyone was to ask me how i was i'd say "fine" and change the subject. Recently as part of my Duke of Edinburghs award i had to write alot of stuff about myself and that was really hard.

(p.s. sorry for all my moaning. )

You're not moaning. You've been doing really well at opening up here. Maybe you could use this as "practice" so you feel more comfortable talking about yourself. Then if you think you need to see a counselor, you'll be better able and not as scared to talk to one. Lots of colleges and universities have counseling services on campus for their students to utilize (but I'm in the US). If you're interested, just check around and see what if any services they offer.

Thanks
ive had a look on my college website but i cant find anything saying who i can talk to.

Slap art - try googling nopanic - they're a british charity that works with people with anxiety issues and they have a helpline, loads of self helps stuff (DVDs, relaxation CDs, leaflets, booklets) and they also do a thing where you join up and pay a small joining fee and you can join one of their telephone support groups. They do a lot around social anxiety and they do a self help programme in the form of a booklet and CD. I got it to go through with 2 of my clients and although we weren't able to do it because other stuff came up the stuff they sent was pretty good.
Mind also do loads of leaflets and self help stuff and so do Sane. Sane also have their own phoneline too.

Anyway I hope that helps. I seem to have slipped into linkworker role a bit there. Unfortunately I can't seem to apply it to myself which feels like a bit of a bad joke. I've had a shite day today. Of all things to bring me down, it was finding out that I don't have an underactive thyroid that had me in tears today! You'd think I'd be happy but I think I was pinning so much on having a physical thing wrong which could be fixed that I feel so shit that I've got to go back to being not my body's fault that I'm depressed but its my brain. Although I know rationally that its an illness I feel so shit that I've been taking all this medication, had CBT read god knows how much stuff and I'm now doing online CBT and its not really making a dent on it. My psychiatrist was quite happy when he saw me last week as my scores on these depression and anxiety tests done during the CBT showed quite an improvement. What he probably isn't taking into account is that my mood cycles. If I'd ended my CBT on week 19 and not week 20 my scores were just as bad as when I started the therapy! I know I'm probably on a low part of the cycle and I 'know' that I'll come out of it but while I'm in it its horrible. I just feel like if I get too much thinking time I'll be in tears and I feel like I have no control over my thoughts. I don't know if anyone else gets this but I think being 'well' is really tiring and I only seem to be able to keep it up for a month or 2 and then I go right back down again for another months of shit.

Thanks, Kat, for putting your professional skills to work for SlapArt! I'm sorry your day has been shitty. I know how badly you must have wanted for your illness to be something physical instead of mental. I think about how much easier it would be to have an illness that I could "prove" to other people by a blood test or an Xray. It'd make life so much easier b/c people wouldn't fear me quite as much. I haven't heard this lately, but for a long time several people close to me would often ask, "You're not going to do anything stupid are you?" Would you say that to someone with diabetes because your afraid they'll eat too much sugar and die from diabetic shock? Sorry, I'm ranting. I don't seem to have control over my thoughts either. And I can't remember the last time I was "well" because I've been pretty ill and on a downward slope since March 2008. So I wouldn't know if it's tiring.

I had my first group session today, and I'm in a group with a lot of really awesome people. The therapist is wonderful and caring. We laughed and cried. I was disappointed when I had to walk into my house afterwards b/c it's back to my prison cell which needs massive cleaning and I can't find the strength to even begin. It's too overwhelming. I go back tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it. I hope you are able to feel better soon, Kat. Love ya!

I'm so glad your first session went well. I was thinking of you today. I know what you mean about 'you won't do anything stupid will you?' comments. If I let my mum in on how I'm really feeling, first she'll try and 'fix it' and then when she realised she can't just fix it she seems to get a bit pissed off with me, like I'm deliberately being difficult and then she'll end the conversation with that wonderful line. I know she's just frustrated because she can't help (and she works as a nurse so I think she's used to being able to help) but I always end up feeling bad for saying anything or being honest. I stick to chit chat know and thats much better. I hope I don't make her sound awful cos she's not but she just seems to think me moving back to Norwich will fix everything. Its like they don't have depression in Norwich!!!!
I'm sorry you've felt low for so long. It sounds like the therapy is going to be intense which I think is a good thing. Sometimes short bursts of therapy are great in theory but if you have a long standing problem you need something that will go much deeper. I think its probably going to be really tough but it sounds like you've got some good people around you. x

i feel really shitty and i don't know why, well actually it's probably because i can't seem to remember to take my meds in the morning and it's not like i can take them whenever i want because they make me sleepy and if i don't take them on a full stomach i throw up so i really need to remember to take my meds because it will even me out, but right now i just feel shitty- sorry you guys probably think all i do is complain

You're not complaining, you're just expressing how you feel. I'm sure I sound like a raving lunatic the way my moods fluctuate, but I'm not too worried about it I have a problem remembering to take my meds as well, but luckily the ones I'm on don't give me any side effects so I can take them anytime of day. I guess the best thing to do is to make it a routine or ritual to have some breakfast and take your meds. I know you've got little ones who may make sticking to a routine difficult (I don't have children, but I know how my 2 year old niece is-UNPREDICTABLE). Or I could be wrong and keeping them on a routine with you will work out swimmingly. (Please understand that my niece is the only child I have to relate to, and she's a wild monkey!) I haven't had a routine in a while so I'm going to have to manage to learn how to get used to one since I have group therapy M-F now, so I don't have any good tips to offer as I just started today. Wouldn't it be lovely to have someone administer your meds to you, with food, when you're supposed to take them? If I ever become insanely wealthy, I shall hire us all a med administerer! LOL But seriously, I hate that you feel shitty and that the meds you're on necessitate that you take them at an exact time with food due to the side effects. I don't know if maybe talking to your doctor about trying other meds that don't cause drowsiness or upset stomach, that way you would have a bigger window of time to take them in so you'd be less like to forget. I really hope you can feel better soon. (((Hugs)))

Kat, thank you for thinking of me today! I know my treatment is going to be rough, but I've been through so much internal hell for so long it will good to be able to let it out and learn ways to deal with the feelings I'm having. I didn't think I'd cry my first day, but I did several times. I shared the two things that hurt me most: how my last employer fired me they way they did and how it feels as if my purpose for living is gone; helping others. It feels like I may never get that back again. I've got a lot of anger to work through because of my termination. And that's a tough one for me to deal with. But the other clients seem to be great (God bless the lone man in the group who has to spend 4 hours a day in a room with a bunch of crying women!) The staff are very caring and nurturing. The nurse even hugged me today after she heard what I'd been going through! I can't wait to go back tomorrow.

hey kiddo- glad that your therapy is going well so far and you feel comfortable there
these meds seem to work the best for me although i have only tried two others, one wasn't strong enough and the other was too strong and i thought i was going crazy plus it made me an insomniac O_o. i was really good at remembering to take them not too long ago, i was doing great taking my meds and vitamins and herbal supplements and i would work out every morning lalalala things were great then i moved this summer and i still can't seem to get back into the swing of things with my hubby's new work schedule *sigh* guess i'm a little disappointed in myself that i let that get out of whack

Try your best not to beat yourself up over it. You've had two big stressors in your life: the move and your husband's new schedule. Those are huge things to have to adjust to. You had a very healthy routine at one point and I have faith in you that you'll be able to do all those things again! Right now, just try to focus on having breakfast and taking your meds. If you're not able to do the morning workout along with that right now, that's ok. Try and build yourself back up gradually to your former routine. Maybe set a small goal for each day and when that goal is completed be proud of yourself for your accomplishment. But the meds are the crucial step at this point to get your brain chemistry back in balance. If that is out of whack then everything else will be too. You've been able to take excellent care of yourself before and I'm certain you'll be able to again. =D

Heather you never complain, hug. Remember we understand, and talking out your fustrations is a great way