So Low

There are very few things that make me more depressed then going on facebook and discovering another one of my friends is engaged. It feels like salt on the wound when they are younger than me and have been in the relationship for way less than I have been with my boyfriend.

I know logically that my boyfriend is one of those people who likes to do everything by the rule book before he makes a big decision. So for engagements he has a list of things he's wanted to have accomplished before that happens- mainly it’s just him paying off his old debts.

But today I go facebook and discover a girl who is younger than me, and hasn't been dating her boyfriend nearly as long as I've been with mine is engaged and it rubs me so wrong because I've had to listen to her complain about not being engaged since their 6 month mark. She has targeted me to be her sympathy partner because I'm not engaged either and I've pretty much hated her since then. There's nothing as bad as being pitied by people and then made to listen to their own "similar woes".

It sounds horrible but so many of my friends have gotten married or had shotgun weddings because they got pregnant or have had nasty divorces that it takes away any possible desire that I have to get married. It no longer feels special.

Oh well, there isn't really anything I can do about it. I know my boyfriend will propose when he is ready to and he doesn't feel the pressures I do and I don't generally talk about it but I feel low and needed to rant about it a bit.

And I apologize now for all the silly run-on sentences. I'm too damned lazy to go back and fix them.

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14 replies since 4th January 2011 • Last reply 4th January 2011

I can really empathise with you on this one. I'm the same about babies - Me & my bf have been trying off and on for about 6 years and all I have to show for it is one miscarriage. I go on facebook and friends seem to be getting pregnant like its going out of fashion and some days I look and it feels like its everywhere and what really gets me down is when people who aren't even that happy together find out they're expecting.

Sorry - i don't want to take over your thread but this really struck a chord with me.

I think when you want something really badly like this you become sensitised to it and it feels like everyones doing it but you. Also I find I get this strange irrational fear thats almost as if babies (in my case) are going to sell out and everyone else having them will in some way take something away from me. Its almost like mother nature is going to sell out of babies before I get my chance.

I think my best advice is to have a chat with your boyfriend and let him in on your fears. Also its okay to feel jealous and frustrated at times - thats something I need to ease up on myself about but its only natural. We're only human. I also sometimes give myself a facebook holiday every so often so I don't too bitter and twisted ;) Also I think weddings and babies are the kind of things people seem to share a lot of in their profile pics and facebook statuses so it can seem like every man and his dog is doing it but you.

Big cyber hugs coming your way.

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Honey I really can sympathise. I found out yesterday that a mate of mine has recently become engaged and she's a year YOUNGER than me. What annoys me more is that I'm single, so all my friends that are engaged and having kids and stuff... I don't want it yet, but I want to feel that I am at least progressing to something like that. But no, I'm on a tall shelf just gathering dust Happy I don't mind being single sometimes, but moments like this... it really grates at me!!!

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Honey I really can sympathise. I found out yesterday that a mate of mine has recently become engaged and she's a year YOUNGER than me. What annoys me more is that I'm single, so all my friends that are engaged and having kids and stuff... I don't want it yet, but I want to feel that I am at least progressing to something like that. But no, I'm on a tall shelf just gathering dust Happy I don't mind being single sometimes, but moments like this... it really grates at me!!!

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I'm so glad I'm not alone in the boat. It's one of those moments where I am drawing nearer to my thirties and I have to listen to my older married sisters tell me my boyfriend will never propose to me one day and then literally the next day I get hit with this. It brings me down to some major lows.

It was one of those things- I even told my boyfriend if this particular girl became engaged before us I'd probably go insane and I litereally feel like just giving up at this point. 6 years is a long time to wait.

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oh and Arty, I totally get what you are saying. It does sort of feel like something is being taken from me whenever someone else gets engaged. It looses that specialness I guess.

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you know, it doesn't bother me anymore. It used to, but I guess the time isn't right. Also think about this, all these people who get engaged after 6 months, hardly stay together. Your boyfriend wants to take his time, and thats ok. He loves you

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I used to be bothered by the same type of thing until I realized that all of my friends who got engaged before I did were in a relationship for less time and they ended up fighting with their partners all the time.

My fiance and I were dating for 3 years before we got engaged (my other engaged friends were dating their partners for far less than that) and we've never had a rough patch.

It killed me to wait that long, but in the end, the wait was worth it because we don't need to rush into marriage (I'm not pregnant and don't intend to be for another 10 years) for any reason.

One of my cousins, though, is getting married and she's only 19. She claims to be marrying her "high school sweetheart" when she's hardly been out of high school for a year. Knowing my family's history, though, early marriages never work out.

So, depending on how you look at it, it shouldn't be a race to get engaged before your friends, especially if your relationship is one that you want to be in forever.

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See I don't think I would mind so much if I was in a relationship because each one is different and you'd know how it worked. Imagine being single again, like a step backwards. My cousin and her (now) husband were in a relationship 7 years before they got married. Probably 8 as they gave themselves a year to plan their wedding. They've been married for nearly a year and a half with no problems.

My friend knew her (now) hubby 7 months before they become engaged. They took a year to plans their wedding. They've been married for about 5 or 6 months. They don't have serious problems, but they don't seem to be quite as steady.

I'm just sick of being single sometimes...

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PinkWeeds, I know how you feel. I'm only 17 but I know a lot of people who are engaged and married who've been dating for a much shorter time than myself and my (now) fiance. I used to hint to him almost every day but he never got the hint. I'd always get upset when someone else I know got engaged because they'd usually be dating for only 6 months or so and we're going on almost two years. All I can say is don't try to rush him. I know it feels really crap seeing other people have what you want, but if you really want to spend the rest of your life with him, patience won't hurt.

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Hi PinkWeeds, it sounds like you are in a committed relationship. Your boyfriend sounds like he is worried about the financial committments he has. I think it is very thoughtful of him to want to be financially stable before you get married. Money worries are one of the things that can easily put stress on a relationship.
Don't worry about what every one else is doing with their relationships. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.
Engagements and marriage rituals are really more to show other people you have made a choice to be together. You both know you are together.
We had a small gathering of very close friends at a nature reserve well out of view for our handfasting ceremony. It wasn't about showing off to everyone, which is what I suspect the people on Facebook have done. Sounds like they are shouting 'look at me, look at me!' Be happy that you don't have to shout about your relationship....maybe they are missing something.
Talk to your boyfriend about how you feel. If you are both committed to each other let him know there would be no harm in getting engaged. It doesn't mean you will get married straight away and a ring doesn't have to be expensive. Heck, it could be made of plastic and still be treasured. It sounds like you would like the solomn promise more, to make you feel you belong together. Ask him about what he wants to accomplish and see if you can work things out between you. There may be other solutions to his wish list that he hasn't considered.
There are far too many pressures for people to follow a 'natural' progression in their relationships. Be happy with right now and talk honestly with each other about the things that are worrying you both. Many blessings and good luck x

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I completely agree with Sheila, don't worry about what other people are doing in their relationships. And it is a good idea to be financially stable before getting married, you'll be able to have a better married life together that way.

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Oh Sheila- if only you knew the conversations we've had! I can't tell you how many times I've told him I don't need an engagment ring or that I didn't want a big wedding. And while I get that being financially stable is a good thing- it isn't the most important thing. He on the other hand wants the big ring and the big wedding. What frusterates me is the fact that if he keeps waiting for things to be perfect we'll never get married.

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That is so true about waiting for things to be perfect. Life is never perfect, it's all about balance. My new fella as got debts from his previous marriage. It does sometimes affect us in what we can do but like you say it's not the most important thing. It is possible to work around those debts, I'm proof of it. Ask him what he is really scared of. Maybe he is use to life bimbling on the way it is and feels too comfortable to change x

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To some guys, saying you don't want an engagement ring is all the more reason for him to get you one.
If he wants to sorta "go big or go home" on a ring, look at alternative stones to diamonds. Diamonds usually cost more than they're worth, and almost every engaged/married woman has one.
A good friend of mine got a big moonstone on her ring, and I have a 4ct mystic topaz... neither ring cost more than $120.

Big weddings are usually crowded and cramped... Explain that much to him and maybe he'll change his mind.

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