Time and Perfect Housewives!

Bit of a rant!! Does anyone else have that situation where they work long hours at a 'constant-focus' job (in my case with responsibilities for the wellbeing of those in my care), do their darndest best to keep their house clean and tidy (although it might never look like a showhome) and also have family to care for etc'... and yes, sometimes just have to have a rest or go out. My home is hygienic and clean: just not glamourous.

And that would be OK except certain people, who don't have to work full time, come in and say snidy comments to me (to me the woman and NOT my partner, who does do his share 'cause if we both work full time housework should be 50-50) - 'it's tidier than usual, we you expecting us?' (no it isn't, no I wasn't), 'I guess I just have higher standards', etc' (deleted one for some reason). The worst part? The worst critics are the ones with messy houses themselves, or who not only don't work but have someone there who helps them with housework. And why is it always to the woman, even if she works full time?

Even though I know I shouldn't, I get really, really upset about it.

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7 replies since 23rd January 2010 • Last reply 23rd January 2010

Grrr I hate that, when people come to visit you and yet spend more time criticizing the house. When I go into someone's home it is to visit the person not the house, I don't give a crap whether they've cleaned up or not.
Just tell 'em if it isn't good enough then they can f*ck off. And if you visit them, look around and with a sniff say "Oh, cleaner's day off is it?" lol

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these people who say rude things about your house are NOT your friends, real friends don't care, or at least would never say anything. women are competitive with each other by nature i think. I totally know where you are coming from. it good to get it off your chest but you and i both know that a super neat freak home is not what matters in life. I say ditch those rude ladies and make some better friends!

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They are my friends, I am ranting because I am angry. Every one of us has personality failings and pushes the buttons of others - I know I perhaps do it without realising. The 'they're not your friends' thing is perhaps down to me - I have known these people for over 20 years, they are good people who will back me up and care for me in every way. It's just they are domestically 'spoilt' (relative to me in time or having help) so say these things thinking they are just upfront friends.

On reflection, I am being very passive/aggressive by not just explaining how life is for me (because, TBH - and if they heard this they would think I was being judgemental and someone hearing their rant might well say 'drop her she's a lousy career-bitch friend'- they probably have no idea what it's like to have a 'care sector', more hours than 9-5 job.). To say they are 'NOT' friends based on my biased comments is unfair- I was ranting: 'let she who is without sin assume a careless comment makes one not a friend'.

Sorry that was a rant however the 'real friends never disagree/are never careless about each other/are perfect and psychic' thing is something (partly from my job) is something I know is an expectation which damages a lot of relationships. The 'they p*** you off once, ditch them' without checking whether they realise they've done it is something I actually help people avoid and modify on a daily basis. It's a modern relationship breaker- the opposite of the old 'stiff upper lip' and putting up.

If I have not made my side clear to them, and haven't complained to them when they say these things, I can't in fairness expect them to know it upsets me.

I may well take Laurel's advice and raise it is a jokey way, that way they know they're p**ing me off without it getting heavy and awkward. If they then continue- then I'd take them to task.

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well just remember there is no such thing as perfect and you don't have to be.

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I work in the Care field too and it can zap your energy after a tough day and the last thing you want to be doing is stacks of housework. I had a colleague a few years ago who had worked as a psychiatric nurse for years before coming to work at the daycentre I work at and she'd worked there years too and she used to regularly say to people 'sometimes good enough is good enough'. It was her way of reminding people that perfection is totally unattainable and you could drive yourself mad trying to do everything perfectly. My flat is unfortunately a bit on the overcluttered side which can make it look untidy but like you I figure that so long as its clean and hygenic thats what matters. I think with these friends you just have to try and let it go over your head. As you said they're probably good friends but they are making digs about something that really doesn't matter. I think its great though that you have getting it off your chest. If you don't have a rant every now and then you end up getting thoroughly pissed off with friends.

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wow Squizita sorry if i offended you as that was not my intention

i did not say that real friends never disagree or do not hurt each other by accident. i never said friends were perfect. i said real friends don't care what your house looks like- that's all. you didn't say these were your life long best friends- just that they were people you knew who were being rude. also i felt it was implied in your rant that they do this often, not just a one time event. i personally have never dumped a friend ever for anything. and if i should feel the need to part ways with some one i was close to, it wouldn't be after a single comment made. and i wouldn't leave them in the dark about why i no longer wanted to be friends.

i was trying to be nice and i was agreeing with you. in fact i said, " i know where you are coming from" which means i have been hurt about other people making unnecessary comments about my own home.

again i'm sorry that my post offended you so much you had to jump all over me like that.

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Heather- I'm sorry if you felt I jumped down your throat- it was just the use of capitals to tell me that these people were not my friends seemed rather extreme. Thanks for your support, again sorry if I came across all heavy.

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