I just really need to get this all out. I'm an emotional wreck and I just need to spill my guts. I'm sorry if this is all over the place, and I apologize for any poor grammar.
So, I met this guy, we'll just call him "Joe" online in...oh, about March. We just started out talking, progressed to Facebook friends, eventually exchanged numbers. Nothing serious. He was really flirty, I was apathetic. We live in the same town, but I never had any idea that we'd meet, until one day, he walked into the store where I work. From then, he would occasionally pop in to make a "small purchase", but I knew he was just coming in to see me. Quite honestly, I found it creepy at the time.
Well, we started talking a bit more, via text message. He was going through a really hard time. Basically, he had his heart broken by this girl who he described as "abusive". I was going through some stuff on my own...I had been crushing on "John" for three years with no progress, and he was toying with my heart. I really needed a friend, and so did Joe. So, we started hanging out.
Well, he made it clear that he had feelings for me, but I didn't return them then. He seemed cool with it. But...Over time, I discovered that he was unlike anybody I'd met. I started to feel happy when I was with him. I started to get excited over his texts and Facebook messages. I started flirting back a little. Then I realized just how much I really, truly like him, and I was in that state of bliss where you're head-over-heels and nothing can hurt you. It hit me like a sack of bricks, and I was excited. He had feelings for me, and I for him. So, I wrote him a long, heartfelt note telling him just how I feel, with the intentions of giving it to him the next time we hung out.
Well, he started getting shady. He simply put it as "his past was coming back to haunt him". I told him that I was here to listen if he needed it. He was appreciative, but remained aloof. So, I eventually had enough of it, and I asked him why he was being so short. Turns out, the flaky chick that he had feelings for, out of nowhere, decides that she wants a relationship with him. And HE ACCEPTED!! He said that this girl "used him, abused him, and left him to rot", and he took her back just like that! Before I got the chance to tell him how I truly felt, she comes in and snatches him away from me! It's just so unfair!
But then, after I blew up on him, he tells me that he needs to talk to me. So I decided that it would be best to really tell him how I feel. So we met up, and what he told me really pissed me off. Apparently, this chick is already showing signs of her old ways. He says that he doesn't have much hope for this relationship, but in case she IS serious this time, he's not breaking it off right away. So I give him my note, he reads it, and he's at a loss for words. Then he tells me that he wishes he'd have known sooner. However, he says that he can't just end it with her, because his feelings for her go way back and he's been waiting for this for a long time. And yet, he still has his suspicions that she is sneaking around, and he's just WAITING for it to blow up in his face. So, doing the "right" thing, I just told him that I'll try to be happy for him and that I'll be here for him when it does end badly.
Well, I've just been a complete wreck over all this. I cry all the time. I can't eat at all. I'm feeling tired and weak, my nerves are shot. I'm constantly shaking, and my stomach is constantly in knots. This has never happened before. I've had my share of heartbreak, but never like this. He's the first person that I've ever really gotten to know before I fell for him. The first person I fell in love with over time, instead of it being instant and at first glance. I fell for HIM, and not his looks. I feel like one minute, I was walking on air, and then 2 seconds later half of my heart was ripped away and my whole world is shattered. I want him to be happy, but at the same time, I'm just waiting for all this to blow up in his face so I can go "I TOLD YOU SO!!" But ALSO at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this way at all, because he didn't know how I truly felt when he accepted her proposal. And while his relationship isn't looking so good and there's a huge chance that it just will not work, I am forbidding myself from getting my hopes up, just in case it actually does work out. I really do not want to wait for him to come around, but at the same time, my mind keeps going to this forbidden place where I'm with him and we're happy together. Try as I might, I can't keep these images out of my head. I know that grieving takes time, but I am so past ready for it to be over with so I can move on. I've been trying to take my mind off of it, staying busy with work and hobbies and such. I've been going out with friends, but I still just feel so alone and miserable.
Sorry for the tangeant about my personal problems, it's just something that's been weighing down very heavily on me and I just can't keep it bottled up anymore.
I'm sorry to hear that your heart was broken, It can be hard getting past a connection that really lifts you up. I felt like I went through a similar situation years ago, although he wasn't with an abusive girlfriend, he was with a nice girl, who just happened to be a foreign exchange student who was leaving at the end of the year. Long story short, he chose her over me, even knowing that the relationship wasn't going anywhere and I realized I wanted a guy who always chose me first. We're still really good friends, and family now- I met his older brother a few years later and we've been together since.
Never settle for someone who takes you for granted or doesn't put you first. You deserve to be with someone who loves only you.
Glad to know I'm not the only one. Glad to hear that it all worked out for you, and thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my rant. I really appreciate it.
Thats very good advice from Pink Weeds. I can remember going through something similar at uni. I had a male friend who liked everyone to think I was his girlfriend as it made him look good. It really annoyed me for ages and then I got to know him better and we got really close. I developed feelings for him and told him and he gave me all this speel about not being good enough for me. I was completely crushed and heartbroken for ages. That was well over 10 years ago now and looking back I think the experience helped me to see what I need from someone. He was far to flaky and I never knew where I stood. I ended up cutting ties with him altogether (which may not be right for you but worked for me). I went through the not eating and crying. I tried channeling it into my art and a few bitter poems ;) I also did a few less constructive things like drink too much and wallow. I would recommend being extra kind to yourself - pamper yourself, surround yourself with reliable friends, make sure you eat and drink and don't be too tough on yourself if the food isn't especially healthy. I'd personally say steer clear of too much alcohol as for me it magnified what I was feeling rather than blocked it out. Also blocked out feelings only pop up later so its better to express them at the time. Also exercise helped. I loved aqua aerobics as you all look silly together and no one can see your body under the water and no one can tell if you've been crying. I went to an women only class. If you have a pet like a cat or dog make sure you get lots of extra cuddles.
Oh yeah. I just went through that too. I'll spare you the details lol but just know that it does get better. My situation lasted on and off for 7 years. Hang in there. It's good to vent. Don't keep it inside like I did.
Thanks KitKat and lotusbomb, for the advice and support. I know it will get better eventually, and it's good to know that I'm not the only one that's ever been through something like this. <3
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