I'm just so damn sick of this situation I'm in with my best friend.
Alright, so there are two problems here, and they're both about the same friend I have.
She's a total b*tch when she's trying to impress people.
There was one time when she was making a new friend in one of the classes we had together, and so I ended up being ignored (not even by accident either, but very pointedly) and at one point they went through my We Heart It profile and mocked everything, talking about how I'm such a freak for liking such messed up things (it's special effect makeup and gothic fashion, mostly, it's not like I'm posting pictures of ax murderers).
There was also a day when she went through my CO&K profile with this new friend of hers and mocked everything there.
On another, she went through my Etsy favorites.
I finally stood up to her, and she declared that I was just an oversensitive jerk and that nothing had changed between us at all.
A week after all of this happened,the girl she was being friends with made some sort of racist remark, and she stopped talking to her because of it, and I was her main friend again.
Similar happenings go on whenever she's trying to impress someone. She also flirted with my boyfriend when I had one, and when she was trying to "help" me talk to a guy I really liked, she ended up flirting his attention away from me instead. She also almost had sex with him, after blatantly telling me that she didn't care how I felt about it, but ended up not doing it because she wanted to get together with her ex instead.
The thing about this girl is that she acts sweet and innocent around everyone, and so she's like the sun in our solar system of friends. If we don't revolve around her, we're out. Basically, if I stop being friends with her, I'm out of the solar system and I have absolutely no friends. I'm not the type of person who makes friends easily at all, so that's bigger for me than it is for a normal person.
I don't want you to think that she's just this horrible friend who makes me completely and utterly miserable, because we have 3 good days for every bad one.
However, she wants to move in together, and I don't think this is a good idea. Seeing each other every day, having to hang around people with her and having to constantly fight with her to get any attention away from her...I just don't think I could do it.
I don't know what to do. I really don't know what to do. Part of me wonders if this is some of what's motivating me to go to college out of state in two years, just to get away from this entire situation!
But now her previous college plan has fallen through, and so now she wants to follow me wherever I go and live with me whenever I choose a permanent school.
I just want this entire thing to be done. She's not the type of person you can criticize or tell bad news to, or that I could even be honest about not wanting to live with her. Does anyone have any ideas for me? I'm open to almost anything. Running away in the middle of the night included.
She sounds like a poisonous "friend", if I were you the friendship would have already been over. If you want this girl to remain in your life, then you might as well get used to her antics. Also don't expect her to change if you never vocalize your feelings. Technically your silence could be considered "permission" for her to keep acting the way she does, after all, you never said you don't like it.
You will have to decide what's more important to you, having a solar system of friends or having people around you that don't try to drag you down or purposely cause you emotional distress.
I know what you mean. I never really thought about it that way, about my silence being her "permission."
It's just really a struggle for me, because I really cherish the good times we have (like I said, we have more of those than bad) but she can be a real jerk.
And I didn't mean by using the term "solar system" to define my group of friends that there are a ton of them. Other than this girl and I, there are only two.
I think that normally, like you said, I wouldn't have been friends with them so long, but I've known them for years and grown up with them. That's why this is so hard for me.
I know I probably just seem like an wimpy little idiot.
I agree with Felicity. Because you have mostly avoided speaking up to her to this point, she thinks that she can get away with this stuff. If you want to keep her as a friend, you will have to be able to accept her behavior. If you need to talk to her about her behavior, do it in a way that doesn't sound like criticism. And if you don't want to move in with her, you have to tell her, or she'll keep asking you. Just tell her that you don't feel like you're ready to share a home or something similar that doesn't make her feel like it has something to do with her.
You should also try to make some new friends along the way. It's important to learn how to meet new people, and you'll have more people to hang out with if you don't feel like being with her at a certain time or if things don't work out with you two.
It may take some work to get comfortable with new people, but with a little bit of willpower, you'll be making new friends in no time. (BTW The running-away in the night thing probably won't work out. Just saying, LOL.)
That's a really good idea, Olivia. And it's perfect for a person like me who hates to upset anyone.
I didn't mean to make it sound like I was only leaving the state because of my situation with her either...there are other factors too, and just a general need of a new beginning.
I have a mild form of Asperger's Syndrome, which is why I have so much trouble meeting new people. My mind doesn't really process social situations very well. I do, however, plan on trying, especially since I just started my two years at community college with a fresh batch of people I don't know.
I'm glad I could help. Good luck!
This sounds very familiar to me. I was in a similiar situation with a toxic best friend whose behavior was to constantly put me down and treat me like I was was a lepper. She was the center of the group of friends I had also. But she was also nice to me most of the time so I looked past some of her bad behavior (although I did call her out on some of it). However when our other friends pointed out to me that they didn't like the way she treated me either I started to realize it wasn't worth it to keep the frienship. I ended up slowly cutting my ties with her and am thankful every day I did.
I think when you have a friend who makes you feel bad about yourself, it isn't ever worth the "good," because that friend is a bully and not a real friend.
It's especially obvious that your friend is very insecure and feels she has to put others down in order to build herself up. Which is common among bullies. In fact everything you've said about her fits into the typical behavior of a bully who suffers from serious insecurity issues. Sadly, it isn't likely that she's going to turn her behavior around just because you stand up to her. She's far too set in her ways and I suspect if you stand up to her she'll take it as your being mean rather than having any sudden realizations about herself. It's likely she'll cut you off until she needs you again rather than changing her ways. You don't want a yo-yo best friend who only comes around when she wants something from you or when her security levels are low. You want a real friend who will be there no matter what.
I suggest put yourself out there and try making new friends around your college. Make social plans with your other friends away from her and don't feel bad if you miss a few phone calls from her and are too busy to call her back. It's time to expand your horizans and college is usually when old high school frienships are pushed aside for new relationships that are more often healthier and more long-lasting because you aren't forced together by being in a small pond like high school.
PinkWeeds has a point, too. You really need to consider whether this person is worth hanging out with. Even if you enjoy her company, her behavior is definitely unreasonable and immature, and you either need to find a way to get your point across politely, to deal with her, or to quit being friends. Just be aware that her behavior may escalate abruptly, and she may do something that could cross the line. If you're really sure you want to keep being friends, remember that if she does anything that surpasses reason, you'll have more problems later. It sounds like this might be a good time to gently end the friendship, though.
I have to agree with the notion that she's a poisonous/toxic "friend." She's certainly not worth sacrificing your happiness just to hold on to a friend you've had for a long time. Making new friends is important, and if you make good enough new friends, you'll likely realize just how awful she's been to you.
I had a similar problem when I was in high school. One of my best guy friends would be nice to my face, but as soon as I stopped hanging out with him 24/7 so I could spend time with my boyfriend, he got mad and started saying some really out-of-line things... so, I told him he was an a-hole and never looked back.
umm...Have you ever tried nvc? None-violent communication? Sometimes the person in question doesn't even realize what they are doing is wrong. Unfortunately for me I can be what you would call a "poisonous" friend (not that I want to be)... most of the time I was just having fun. Finally I got my boyfriend (now fiance I might add) and He explained to me all my behavioral problems (he used nvc btw) I'm happy to say that now I can talk and have fun with people without ticking them off (I like to use nvc now too). I suggest looking it up and watching it on youtube. if she refuses to change after you've used it that means she has no intention of changing at all. when that happens you may have to stop being friends with her.
My friend lived with me for a year and a half and she quit her job one week before moving in and only got one with me at my job, and when my job went out of business she refused to get a job, I paid everything EVERYTHING EVEN HER CAR INSURANCE!!! DO NOT move in with your friend, she will smoke all your smoke too! I did the math one and a half years = 10,000 dollars she should have paid for things...... You have to decide if 3 good is worth 1 bad, but you don't have to move in AND you can still have other friends because she is so insecure she will always come back to YOU!!! YOU are the main friend and she needs you, and she is so fucked up to you so you will not notice she needs YOU! Remember she dumps everyone off, she has no one. It's harder for you to make friends than her because you WANT TO KEEP YOUR FRIENDS, she doesn't. Don't take her college, let her take herself!!!!
even when you are 26... like me. You will still find the friends that make you wonder if you did the time warp and turned 16 again...... some people just don't grow up.
Tell her directly, who cares what she thinks? If she asks why, list reasons.
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