Just curious.

I wrote this....tonight... using no names. It was hard but i was wondering what people thing of it? (I made a mistake please let me no! i have really bad grammar and spelling and i only have word pad right now!)

“Thank you.” She whispered, clutching the single suitcase tightly. Rain drenched through her black dress and small jacket, she shivered. She cried, but that was only noticeable by the streaming mascara. He smiled and took the suitcase from her.
It had been five years, five unforgettably long years. The last time he had seen her, or heard from was the day she gleefully told him that she had married and they were moving. He remembered the unforgettable pains in his chest as the woman he loved walked away on another man’s arm. Too late to tell her now, though, why make her feel bad when she was so happy?
But after that day, he never received another letter, or a phone call, or even a cheery visit. Nothing came from her, and he thought she had forgotten him in the upswing of a happy marriage. But three days ago, he had seen her getting food. He had foolishly gone up to her, ask her how she had been. She had been dragged about by a very different man than the man she had married a few years ago. Her husband had been buff, well-kept, and the type of guy girls just swooned for, this man was unkempt, with his hair falling out, beer-bellied, and smelt of stale sweat and beer. She had given him a look of complete helplessness.
He knew than; he knew that she was being beaten and abused. He knew she must be dying inside. His heart told him that he wasn’t the only one that must have been forced out of her life by this low scum. He knew he had to do something, he had to save her.
The next day, he saw her again as she when she stepped out of a church. Her face and hair bound tightly behind a scarf on the cold day. He only knew her by her eyes, those sweet, sad eyes he had known forever. He cornered her, held her as she told him through tears and body-racketing sobs the torture she was being put through, how she regretted marrying that man, how she wanted to go home. He asked where she lived, and ask when her husband worked. Than told her to get ready her things, he would pick her up tomorrow and take her away from her abusive husband. He told her he would keep her safe.
Now, they were riding in the cab, she shivered from standing in the rain. The cab rode silently down the road to his home. A small place above the business he ran. It wouldn’t be much, but it was a place for her to sleep and be safe until she knew where she was going on her own. And maybe, she would never know where else to go his selfish side reasoned.
She stared out the window, twisting her hands together in anxiety that sat in her lap. He leaned over and took a hand in his and smiled encouraging.
“I’m not going to let him, or anyone else hurt you ever again.” He said softly, rubbing her hand softly with his thumb, “I promise.”
She smiled at him, sadness shining through the small cheer. “You can’t protect me forever.” She whipered saddly and stared out the window again. He held her hand still, carefully and stared out his own window, an akward silence filled between them, but he didn't let her hand go. After a while, he felt her small, delicate fingers fold over his. He smiled to himself.
“Here we are.” The cab driver said pulling in front of the business. The sign blinked on and off in one corner where the lights where dying.
He let go of her hand, rather reluctantly, and stepped out of the cab. Then he helped her out of the car, and grabbed her suitcase. He paid the cab driver the fee, than walked through the rusty old door.
He put the suitcase down and turned on the lights, “It's not much, but whatever is here is your's as long as your here.” he smiled at her. Rather dismayed at the dirty mess that seemed to never disappear.
“Haven't changed much in these past five years, have you?” She giggled, poking a pizza box that laid discarded on the floor with her toes, “Let me guess, Deluxe Pizza, no olives?”
“Of course!” He said flashing her a smile as she looked around. Amongst the empty pizza boxes, which never seemed to end, was empty pop cans and somewhere hidden amongst those was the three couches set up for him to talk to clients (the few that came), a desk with an hold-fashion phone, and a pool table. The rest of the large open space was filled with the only thing he ate.
She shook her head as she kicked the boxes out of her way, “And what do your clients say when they see this mess?” She asked stepping back next to him.
“Normally something like, 'Well, he can be messy as a long as he gets the job done.' ” He shurgged and grabbed her suitcase, “You can use my room while your here. It's upstairs.”
She shook her head, “I can't do that, you need a proper place to sleep.” She pointed to the couch, “I'll sleep on that cleared one.”
“Than you'd be sleeping on my bed.” He grinned, “I rarely drag my ass upstairs into that room. Just sleep on the couch. Come on.” He pressed her shoulder lightly towards the stairs and followed after her. The single room was at the top of the stairs, and the only room up there besides the small bathroom. It was small, fitting only a twin bed, an empty dresser, and a small writing desk with an old picture on it.
She snuffled a laugh, it was an old picture of them. “I remember that day.” She laughed remembering the day at the beach, where she had piled sand around him while he snoozed. Than took a picture of his mermaid-self with her sitting next to her master-piece.
“And it stays as a reminder of never to fall asleep on a beach again. I swear I still have sand grains coming out of my cracks from that day.” He placed the suitcase down. “I'll leave you to get changed into something dry and get comfy; if you need anything don't be afraid to ask.”
She stood looking out the window onto the rainy street, and he made to leave.
“Wait. Can I have one thing?” She asked turning around, to look at him.
“If I can provide, it shall be yours.” He smiled, bowing a little bit.
She rocked a little bit on her toes, her hands behind her back. She looked really young all of a sudden, “Can I have a hug?”
He smiled and crossed the room in a single large stride and wrapped his arms around her. She slipped her arms around him and breathed in his scent for comfort. He held her tight with one arm and thread his fingers softly through her hair of his other arm. He pressed his face against her head and whispered, “Never be afraid to ask for a hug.”

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11 replies since 5th March 2008 • Last reply 5th March 2008

Wow that's beautiful =)

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I keep meaning to read it, I'm gonna copy and paste it into word and make the writing better.

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ok, queeny.

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* make the writing bigger

aaaw I liked it, I nearly cried in the beginning and felt so much tension before she asked him for a hug Happy

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awesomeHappy i love it when people like my writing.

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Second part, i liked the characters so i wrote this part. Might not be as good as the last, as my best friend wasn't on to help me with grammar and over repetitiveness.

“I'm speechless.” She whispered holding her hand over her lips. She ran her other hand overly the smooth, polished gold of the locket. The box was of blue velvet, and he held in his hand. She was thankful for that, she could hardly hold herself up at the moment.

“I thought you'd like a gift for the anniversary of No-More-Anniversaries.” He grinned, putting the box down on the, for once, clean desk and took the locket out. “Can I put it on for you?” He bowed low, as was his tradition with her these days. He wasn't sure if he could ever tell her what she meant to him, but he could spoil her and treat her like a queen. She was, to him, a queen anyways. The Queen of His Heart.

She blushed in her usual fashion and nodded. He stepped behind her and carefully hooked the chain up and laid it down on her chest. He pulled her hair out from under the chain, a yellow bruise sat on her neck. Two weeks later, and her body, her perfect body, still held the scars of abuse. He could only imagine what she would look like if the scars of her mind left marks on the smooth skin as well.

He only knew a little of what had happen from the nightmares that caused her to call out in the night. Those nightmares he selfishly enjoy, because she than would come and curl her small body next to him assuming he was asleep on the couch. Little did she know how he waited for the feel of her next to him each night, waited for those nightmares to awake him. He loved the feel of her body curved against him, and than he would fall asleep into a deep and dreamless sleep only to wake in the morning to find her gone again.

“Thank you.” She turned and smiled at him and than gave him a hug. He hugged her tightly back and held on for a bit, not wanting to let go of her. He pressed his face against her head, her soft hair, just before she pulled away her smile lighting up all of her face but her eyes. Her incredible, beautiful, sad eyes. He hoped one day they would shine with joy like they did before she married, he hoped to be the one who brought happiness back into her eyes.

“So...?” He said, stretching his arms up, “What shall we do? I got the day off today, so we should make the best of it.”

“You always seem to have a day off.” She rolled her eyes and looked out the door, “Hmmm.... can we go the beach?”

He ran it over in his head, “Do you have swim wear?” He hadn't seen her in a bikini in years.

“No, I just want to walk on the broad walk for a while. Maybe get some ice cream.” She shrugged, “I want to get out for a bit. I'm a bit board here. It is a bachelor pad, and I am not a guy.” She waved her hand at the pool table, she had never been a fan of pool for as long as he could remember. He, on the other hand, could see nothing wrong with it.

“Alright, we'll go. Just promise me one thing.” He grinned, he couldn't wait for some ice cream.

“Let me guess, keep my sticky fingers away from your strawberries?” She smiled going up the stairs to grab her sunglasses.

“Yep.” He grinned, how he loved those strawberry sundaes. But she did have this nasty issue of stealing his strawberries right out of the bowl. With whip cream.

She changed quickly and soon they where walking down the ocean front, the wooden boards tapping under their feet and children's' yells echoed from the water. She smiled and looked happily around her, swinging her – as he saw it – overly large purse in front of her. The sea birds called back and forth to each other over top of other humans ideal chatter and the crash of the ocean waves against the sea. Strangely, the endless noise was a comfort.

She fiddled with the locket around her neck, looking in each window of the ocean front stores. Stores of everything, from tourist novelty items to expensive furniture. What a furniture store was doing at beach front was beyond him, but whatever the owner thought was best.

“Thats cute.” She said looking in a swimsuit store. The oversize doll modeled the newest fashion in bikini-wear.

He turned his head sideways, “Doesn't look very water safe, looks like it would fall apart the moment a drop got on it.”

She rolled her eyes, “Its not meant for swimming. Come on.” She grabbed his hand and dragged him into the flowery bikini shop. He rolled his eyes, though he did think she would look rather stunning in that bathing suit.

She talked with lady at the counter, and grabbed a few swimsuits to try on, telling him all the while she was just trying them on to have some fun. He had already deiced he would by her which ever one was her favorite, or the one he thought looked best on her.

She modeled the first one, skimpy and showed off most of her breasts. Which he thought was great until she looked at the mirror and noticed all her yellowing bruises showing, she quickly dived back into the change room. He shook his head sadly, he didn't entirely understand why she was so embarrassed by them. Weren't they a sign of strength for getting threw the experience alive?

The next one was more covering, to a fault. It held no shape to it, and though it showed off her legs, it had weird sleeves. They both snorted at it, it was so odd looking. She pretend to be a model, and did a rather sexy, mock cat walk, swaying her hips. Her eyes looked up and down the mirror, checking to see what bruises betrayed her this time.

The third one was the one from the window. Not as flashy as the first one, but not quiet so covering. It looked beautiful on her, showing off each of her womanly curves and her smooth, almost pure ivory skin. But this still showed of the yellow bruises on her stomach and chest, and standing in front of the full length mirror, her smile faded and her hands rubbed subconsciously over her stomach, and over the large of the yellow spots.

“If it's anything I think you look really good in that suit.” He said, from his bench watching her as the smile faded more and more.

“I know I do, I just wish...” She said to him, than looked back at the mirror and ran her hands over her body. Poking each bruise with a gentle finger.

“You wish your bruises weren't so there?” He said standing up and walking over to her, and stood behind her.

She gave a small smile, and shrugged her shoulders, “I hate them, reminders of my weakness, and how easy I got fooled. I hardly knew the guy when we married. What, I met him a few months before? Hadn't even really introduced anyone I knew to him.” She sighed, “I wish...”

He placed his hands on her shoulders, “Change, we'll talk over ice cream.” He walked over to the cashier and pulled out his credit card and paid for the suit before she could object. She need one anyways, and she needed more pick-me ups. She deserved to smile more often, if any girl dissevered complete and udder happiness for the rest of her life it was her.

“You really shouldn't have bought me the suit. I'm never going to be able to pay you back, no matter how hard I try if you keep buying me things.” She said as he sat down in front of the ice cream parlor with his strawberry sundae and her chocolate one. He shrugged and drug his spoon into the ice cream, taking a strawberry slice and some whip cream with it.

“You don't have to repay any of it, I'm catching up on five years of Christmases, Birthdays, and other random things that involve presents.” He said sucking up another strawberry slice, he chewed it, swallowed and continued, “Next time, at least make a effort to try and keep a hold of me so you wont get a tidal wave of presents when you see me.” He smiled, a bit of bright pink strawberry sitting on his teeth. She giggled and ate some of her chocolate sundae, enjoying each moment of it.

He looked over to the ocean, the sun was setting across it, the sun rippling golden across the vast ocean. He looked back, and her sneaky fingers where half way to her mouth with a strawberry slice. She grinned and sucked it into her mouth. And, without thinking, he went after his strawberry. Pressed his lips against hers and swept his tongue in her mouth, fished out his strawberry and popped it into his own mouth. He sat down, shocked a little at his own spontaneous actions, but rather pleased with the out come. He had his strawberry, and she blushed a pleasant shade of strawberry red.

“Don't steal my strawberries.” He smiled and winked.

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I love your attention to detail, it makes things so much more interesting. And also the characters are developing really nicely. That last bit just made me smile. But it also kinda made me go "Aaw...I need to find a guy..."

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yay!! people like my writing. Makes me loved ^^

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this so cute. well done, i wish i could write like this.

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thats really cute :] now I'm jealous of you Tongue

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