Do-these-things-or-you're-doomed list

17... though still not an adult, not at all far from being an adult. It's only recently hit me that as much as I am happy and lucky enough to have such a kind, and caring family, they are treating me too young for my age and look down on me.

I complain enough about my family on this topic in this board, but bear with me please. XD

Dad: Couldn't have asked for a better one. Sweet and kind, he the most flexible when it comes to my problems. But has a tendency to be pushed around by others (mom). Still sees me as 7 instead of 17. "Don't talk to strangers", "Look both ways when you cross the streets"... come on!!!

Mom: Get along great most of the time. Love her, but is the one I have screaming fights with. She is constantly nagging, putting me down, and telling me something in someway is wrong.

Bro: Love ya! Will never tell you in your face, but yeah, you know. Waaay overprotective. Thinks that me socializing, wanting to go outside, having a bf is a bunch of bull (mom thinks along these lines too). Has a great influence on my mother's judgements at times.

DO NOT TELL ME THE ONLY SOLUTION IS TO TALK IT OUT. Trust me, I have tried to be open, but they just disregard everything with the way they think no matter how I try to approach it. I will continue to be open, but it just isn't working the way I would like it to be. Oh, and don't tell me to show them this because it ends up being the same as trying to talk.

Counselor has suggested to make a list of things I need to do in order to accomplish my goals. She is the only one I'm completely open with about everything. Like a second family member. Happy

Do-these-things-or-you're-doomed list

1. Stop accepting $$$ from parents unless it's a necessity/b-day/holiday.
- Focus on other pressing matters (school, study, pets, ect.)
- BF enjoys spoiling you lol
- It's their control method on you!!! As tempting as the $$$ and gifts are, IGNORE!!!

- ... Just do your work lol

3. Stick up for yourself
- Counselor said this, BF said this, friends have said this!!!
- You're not rebellious or bad, you're just growing up.
- Don't let anyone get away with saying something unnecessarily mean about you and your life
- If something is important to YOU don't let anyone hold you back

4. Talk less about your life unless required/asked
- You love momma, but momma is always going to find something "wrong" with it.
- Cultural differences suck in this case. (FYI my family's from the Philippines)

5. J-O-B
- ONLY when school is more stable
- Handle $$$ well
- It's YOUR $$$, not theirs... EVER

6. Your purpose is not to please others
- Ignore the stupid put-downs and insults. Let it roll off your shoulders because it's a load of crap.

7. You're different
- $$$ Isn't everything (ignore what bro and mom disagreeing on that)
- Don't be a shut-in no matter how rich he might become (bro)
- Do what you want to you need to. If you WANT it bad enough, it's a NEED.

Examples of their controlling behavior:

- Not allowing me to have dinner with my BF's parents at their place. They live 10 min. away, I've been in the relationship for 8 months, we're never going to be alone in an enclosed room, and both I and my BF have invited my parents. They complain about not knowing him enough all the way saying they don't like meeting new people.

- "You're just a kid." I know. I wouldn't be living with you guys if I didn't know that. I still need you. But there is a bottom line between being 7 and being 17. At 18, just one year, if I feel this continues I will move out and you can't do anything about it. You're a great family, but you're not letting me grow enough. Adios!

- Not allowing me to donate blood. When I calmly ask for reason they say it's to protect me. I'm not sickly, tons of people do it, and it's a school run event. Their response? "Being generous is stupid."

- Threat to not pay for collage if I don't take up nursing. I have decided to take up being a zoologist and now have no clue if I must take up a job, or see if they will go though with the threat.

And the controlling issues go on...

That is my list so far. I know many members in this board are familiar with growing up so, I would LOVE to hear what you might add/disagree with on this list.

I'm not trying to grow up too fast. I just think it's about time to grow-up, ya know?

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13 replies since 3rd December 2009 • Last reply 3rd December 2009

Personally, I wish my parents had treated me more like a kid and less like an adult. I'm 19 now, and I've had to be the responsible adult in the family ever sine my brother could walk (which was 15 years ago). My dad is an irresponsible kid in a fat adult's body, and my mom is too busy with work to care about the three kids. I moved 300 miles away from home at 14 (attended an art high school, lived in dorms), and then moved 1,100 miles away to attend college at 17.

I can't really help much except for the college stuff:

Screw your family if they're not going to help you pay. My family wouldn't help me pay for my education simply because they couldn't afford it. I pay 30k a year all by myself. It's not as hard as you think, but it DOES take work.

Three words: Scholarships, Grants, Loans.

Even if you think zoology wouldn't have that many scholarships to give out, you'd be surprised. Plus there are a lot of other scholarships you can get that are related to religion, your ethnicity, your hobbies, the languages you speak. There's even weird ones out there like for left handed people, and people who can speak klingon (srsly.). A lot of colleges have scholarships based on subject, how well you did in high school, and even "incentive" scholarships. The trick is to tell them you're looking at a different college, and they might give you a little extra money so you'll wanna go to their school.

Grants are a bit harder, and often require lots of writing and lists and weird stuff. The only grants I got were easy government ones, like the Pell Grant.

Loans are not fun, but if it gets you what you want, then you'll feel better about paying them off later because hey, you got to go to school to be a zoologist, and not a nurse! Yay yay yay! There are a lot of easy government ones that pretty much anyone can get, but getting a private student loan will be hard if your parents won't co sign (and they probably won't, the way it sounds). I applied for a student credit card the day I turned 18, and after a year of hardly using the card and always paying on time, I had good enough credit to get my own loan without a co signer.

Hope that helped a little!

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It's not that I'm not grateful for them. It's just that I realize I'm getting older and they just don't see that no matter what I do. The other week my dad just asked if I wanted to go to Chuckie Cheese. Tongue I haven't been there in over 10 years.

Thanks for the college advice. It's something I'll most likely have to deal with myself.

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it could also be that they see you growing up and its hard to let go(and yes it does seem like they have issues, but it seems more towards trusting you to do the right thing)

But your list is a good idea, I know you don't want to hear this, but to gain respect you do need to stand up for your rights. and that does mean talking to them.

My parents always treated me as an adult, I got a loan for school, I had jobs and they let me make my own mistakes.

But if you want to be treated as an adult, you have to act like one. Get a part time job to pay for things you want. Do things around the house, like clean up without being asked to, set rules for yourself and them.

about their behavoiur, you need to get them to trust you, as clearly they don't yet. Invite your boyfriend over for supper at your house(where they are comfy), even if you hate it when you live under your parents roof and am under age, they still have to give consent about giving blood and what not (sorry) but when you are of legal age, go do it.

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That's just it. I do feel like I behave in a mature way. I've never done anything bad, do chores, almost always respect everyone, and have just been a good kid overall. The only reason I don't have a job is because they won't allow it because they think I'll get attacked/kidnapped/ect. I don't live in a horrible neighborhood where that is likely to happen during the day. Police cars are almost everywhere and I always have my cell phone on me. They don't allow my bf over at my house because my brother despises him (for being me bf) and my parents believe he's just a phase. But come on, 8 months! It's about time he's allowed here. And about the blood thing, it only pissed me off because the only reason I wasn't allowed to do that was because they don't believe in giving stuff to the ones who need it.

Due to culture reasons they have an unreasonable sense of protection. Though they won't admit it I know that they are trying to protect me from every little thing. They won't let me be exposed and they won't allow me to learn from anything other than school. I'm really boxed it when it comes to life and I just want to be exposed more.

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ahhh, when it comes to culture, they just can't help it. Their parents did it to them, and you may end up doing it to yours, its a hard to to breakl out off, and maybe that just don't relize that they are treating you in this way.

For the time being you just might have to put up with them, maybe help them along. bring the bf over with out telling them.

You just might have to understand that culture and tradition is just too hard to break, give them time. They will let go sooner or later.

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What is the benefit of bringing over my bf without telling them? My bf has suggested the same thing and all I can see is it causing conflict.

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then all I can say is if it does it does. If you want your parents to change there views about him, they need to spend time with him

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They believe he is a "phase". Or they hope is anyways. As young as I may be this relationship he is someone very dear to me, both as a friend and bf.

I'll keep telling my parents that I want to do more things and I'll get them to think that it really is how I want to live. But honestly I don't have much hope for them seeing me as someone who is ready to become an adult. They just keep hoping that when I "grow" in their opinion that I'll start acting like them. Fact is I'm very different from them and I'm not going to turn out the way they expect (other than being good person of course).

Since they too somewhat rebelled from their parents and have lived 20+ years in the US I believe that they are more lenient than most parents in their culture. But their need of money during their starting years here seem to have internally taught them that if you are wealthy, you are happy. Having money is important and I'll work hard for it, but it's not the answer to my happiness.

If I disagree with my mom and bro about something in life they will answer with something completely biased and ridiculous that I just can't respond with anything other than just saying I don't agree.

"You'll see, you'll see how hard life is. And you'll suck so much at it." The exact words my mom said when I said I didn't want to be a nurse. "Your bf is so gross. I don't want to hear about him." When I try to explain his good qualities. "When did you get so freakin' stupid?" When I got my first C grade. "I'm always right and you don't know shit." She says this a lot of times. My dad tells her to be quiet when she says stuff like that, but he says it gently, "Honey, that's not true." No, that does not stop her. My bro says I'm better off just listening to her because she's my mom and I don't know better until I'm 20 something.

I'm putting my foot down when it comes to ridiculous things like that. I listen when my family says things that actually make sense, but I will walk away when things like that are being said. If I'm punished for walking away then I will walk out the door and make my point that I won't be put in the corner for things like that. I'm not running, I'll come back when their heads are cooled. But I'm smart enough to recognize when I'm wrong and when it's them who is wrong.

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But I'm smart enough to recognize when I'm wrong and when it's them who is wrong.

Thats a good attudite

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... Compliment or sarcasm? XD lol I feel stupid right now.

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im sure that was a compliment , sometimes i feel like im not free in life and i can never be free in this society. it makes me sad to think that and i always thought that to be truly free i have to leave this place and be alone...alone not lonely but not tied down by what other people want and do .i would of course see my family and friends and still make new friends because thats simply human nature but i'd do what i want and leave when i please. im still 14 so i live with my parents and heres what happened , i was tired from being up till 4 in the morning cuz of a bad headache i fell asleep early at 5 in the afternoon.i awoke to my mother yelling my name ofcourse i went to see her because thats wat im supposed to do ,my parents basically grounded me because i was sleeing when i wasnt "supposed" to a good girl ( respectful,nice to others, understanding ,and not at all one sided) i usually understand y i get in trouble but this time i felt that they were just being controlling .im a smart girl so i know what i should and shouldnt do and i honestly thought that if my body wanted to sleep it was gettin what it wanted ! i cant wait till im free !I think ill establish my freedom soon rather wait till im 18 or 21.

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thats a complement, you got the right idea

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Even at 29, I'm still learning the same lesson everyday- That no matter how hard we try we can't change what others do, think, feel, say, etc. We can only change ourselves. One thing that helps me is praying that God-(or you're own personal name for Him)-helps me to calmly yet effectively deal w/the people, situations & things that frazzle me. (Not to be all "preachy" -trust me" I'm far from "Holier than Thou" -LOL). I have a book that really helps me, it's called- "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. It's has a few paragraphs per day of the year on diff issues/subjects. I usually just search the index for the particular issue I'm having. It's nice because you can just pick it up and start reading anywhere. Anyway hope this helps and that things get better!

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