My kids say the darndest things....

Me: what took you so long to come upstairs last night?
Jakob: I got distracted and was curious if I could fit in the dog crate. I could, but it took me about ten minutes to figure out how to get out of it.
Scene: A not so successful dinner. (sausage, broccoli and rice)
Jakob: The best part of this was the water and barbecue sauce.

Me: How was school?
Jordan: It was good. Do you know what we are learning in Foundations of Algebra class?
Me: Umm....no.
Jordan: Algebra...this is not algebra class it is the foundation of algebra.

Jakob: What's for dinner Nikki?
Me: You can ask me again.
Jakob: Nikki what's for dinner?

Sitting down for breakfast. Kids chose a booth...I don't like booths.
Me: a booth really?
Jakob: seriously? Stop being a chick. Just sit down.

A text from the mom at Jordan's sleepover: Girls are still sleeping. Ok to pick Jordan up around 11? She has been a pleasure to have BTW! Very polite and such a sweetheart. She's done you proud

Car Discussion With Jakob
Jakob: I don't like it when you randomly take my phone and check my messages.
Me: Do you have something on there I shouldn't see.
Jakob: (silence) well no
Me: Then no worries.
Jakob: It's my phone and I don't look at your messages.
Me: You can....wanna trade phones for the day?
Me: Have a great day at school!

Scene: Redoing The Wrong Answers On Jordan's Math Test
Jordan, Myself, & Jakob: We all came up with the same answer, which the teacher said was wrong.
Jordan: I am just going to put WTF!!!
Me: Jordan!!
Shane: Laughing
Jordan: She smiled and said...'Well That's Fantastic'

Scene: Leaving for school and Jakob is taking the bus home to stay at a friends house.
Me: I hug him so tight and ask 'Who loves you tons and tons?'
Jakob: Jesus does...the bible tells me so. (then he winks and gives me a kiss)

Our trip out of town last weekend: Must be the first time away from home...

1. Is this a phone? (Hair dryer attached to the wall in our bathroom)

2. The hot tub water is really hot

3. How funny if I got out of the hot tub and the bubbles stopped?

4. That's stupid. Why are there fire sprinklers in the pool room?

5. Jakob walking out of the bathroom: I just made a video. Me: yikes. (His face in the hand dryer)

Me: "Do you have your clothes ready for school tomorrow?"
Jakob: "Yep and underwear. Underwear. Under wear. Underrrrrwear."
Me: "What are you doing?"
Jakob: "Underwear...huh it goes under your clothes. You wear it under your clothes, which is why it is called underwear. So socks could really be called underwear."
Me: (just blank)..then bent over laughing
------1 minute later
Jakob: "You know what else I realized the other day?"
Me: "no..what"
Jakob: "a handle on a coffee mug isn't just for holding, but to hold the mug without burning your hands"
Me: (just blank)
Jakob; "Don't act like you knew that." (shaking his finger....as if most people don't known this fact)

Jakob: I don't have any underwear
Me: well you are meant to bring your laundry downstairs everyday. When I walk in the door if the laundry basket is full I will wash it. It wasn't full.
Jakob: can't you buy me more?
Me: didn't I buy you some for Xmas?
Jakob: yeah...what a great Xmas gift
Me: focus Jakob. You can wear a dirty pair or wash a pair by hand.
Jakob: commando it is.

Jakob: Can you get me a book from the library?
Me: Yes...just write it down.
Me: Why did you sign your name?
Jakob: You will want that when I am rich and famous.

Jakob: Mommy smell my fingers...what does it smell like?
Mommy: Seriously! Get away from me! Go wash your hands.

Scene: watching Oscars - U2
Jordan: Who is that singing?
Me: U2
Jordan: Me what?
Me: Crying and laughing
Jordan: Again...who is singing?
Me: U2
Jordan: Oh, that's a stupid name

Studying for his science test
Shane is quizzing him.
Jakob: chlorophyll more like borophyll

Scene: dinner - Jakob had ribs
Shane: let's go wash your hands and use lots of soap
Jakob: do I have to? I like the way they smell right now.

It's that moment when you feel like you've failed as a parent.
Me: Jakob bring all your dirty laundry downstairs and your socks on your floor.
Jakob: Why? I haven't worn them all week.
Me: What? Socks worn all day are actually dirty.

What do you buy a 14 year old for Valentine's Day? Bacon Jerky of course!

Dinner table
Shane: how did you do on your test?
Jakob: good...although I don't understand how teachers test.
Shane: what do you mean?
Jakob: in class they teach 2+2. For homework it's 2x2. But on the test it's find the radius of the sun divided by....
Us: haha

Dinner: grilled chicken sandwiches
Focus: working on jakob's book report on the computer...not finishing until he's done..then dinner.
Jakob: (almost done with the report) mother go make me a sandwich woman.
Me: (he's a funny kid)
Jakob: smell that?
Me: no
Jakob: me neither...get cooking.

Me: I didn't know there was an app for youtube
Jakob: mom there is an app for everything...there is even an app to time your poops.

Scene: rest stop
Me: that bathroom stall is open Jordan (at the end and against the wall)
Jordan: no way...that's one less way to escape.

Life of a 13 year old boy...
Jakob: have you ever been so sweaty that when you fart your not sure if what you feel is sweat or something else?
Me: ummm...no.

Me: well how was your first day?
Jakob: it was good. Ya know the choir class i took for the easy A and to meet girls?
Me: yeah
Jakob: well the other guys thought the same thing. There are 50 guys and 10 girls in my choir class.

Jordan's first day:
Teacher: I have a Jordan (pause) gentry.
Jordan: yes!
Teacher: is your brother Jakob?
(And so it begins)

Jakob: I'm playing a game to guess people's names from a sketch on my phone.
Jordan: oh that's the founder of KFC
Me: that is Colonel Sanders
Jakob: Your wrong mom it is col-on-el Sanders.

Me: We are going to the Dollar Theater to See The Croods.
Jakob: I don't want to go.
Me: We are going as a family.
Jakob: I don't want to go and I have rights ya know.(he smirks)
Me: Haha...no you don't.
Jakob: Okay...I will go get ready.

Jakob: I saw a commercial where only Superman can bend steel. I tried bending the broom. It's not made of steel. (broom is bent in half)

Jakob: did you know my nipples are lined up with my earlobes.
Me: blank stare.

Scene: dark knight on TV
Jakob: I could be Batman.
Shane: how is that?
Jakob: have you ever seen Batman and me in the same room? I'm just sayin.

Me: are you home? How was school?
Jakob: yes and good
Me: are you okay...you seem quiet
Jakob: I'm pooping
Me: Really! Really?
Jakob: well you called me

Jakob: want to try my grilled cheese sandwich I made?
Me: sure.
Me: where is the bread?
Jakob: I didn't need bread...just grated cheese topped with ham and sliced cheese, top with shredded cheese. Cooked both sides to make a crust.

Jordan: I love my new guitar (bday present today)
Me: now you can practice to be a famous guitar rock star.
Jordan: ummm...I just want to learn to play Smelly Cat.

Jordans cute bun..wrapped in a braid. I asked her how she made the bun so full. She responded: I put one of my socks in it to make it full.

Toothpaste above the door (in the kids bathroom). Neither child will take ownership.

Jakob: fun fact for ya.
Me: ok
Jakob: when bees have sex...the male's testicles explode and then he dies.

Jakob: at school I had explosive diarrhea.
Me: were you ok later?
Jakob: yeah I put toilet paper in my underwear...I made a 'man-pon'.

Scene: Driving in the car with the kids. It is freezing out....10 degrees.
Jakob says: Rooooarrrr...there's a monkey in my butt. (5 seconds go by..wait for it)
Me: I roll down the window as fast as I can.

In the car.
Jakob: mommy, unicorns can't fly, I can't fly. Therefore I am a unicorn.

On the TV: Family Feud - 'What does a man grab with both hands'
Jordan: boobies

Xmas present from jakob: a coupon book with 10 pages. Nine pages: a hug on each page. Tenth page: one awkward conversation.

Me to Jakob: Did you get everything you wanted?
Jakob: Yeah I guess
Me: Poor Ralphie...what didn't you get? ;-)
Jakob: I really wanted that Beastie Boys CD

Scene: Shane coaches here in St Louis and there are three siblings at his high school, who are homeless and their mother became very ill. The staff teamed up and gave the kids some amazing gifts. Jordan gave Shane a letter to give to them.

Jordan: I am Coach Gentry's daughter and I know what is going on in your life. Every day when I get home my dad says how great you are! I hope your life gets better every second of the day. I hope you stay safe! My Dad says how great you are at basketball. Every night I pray that you can find a home. I'm really thankful that you are safe. God put everyone in this world for a reason, you have a reason why you are in this world. Some day God is going to use you and I guarantee you will find what your looking for. I hope you can have the best Christmas ever. Love Jordan

Played Scattegories with the kids last night. Things found in Vegas. The letter was S. Jakob: Strippers Jordan: Sex (oh dear!)

Jakob: I need some socks
Me: ooohh..ok I'll get you some for
Jakob: not Christmas

Jakob turned 13 today..one of his gifts 'a necklace' ...well head phones, but he put them around his neck and went to school. He got tons of compliments. The plug wasn't attached to anything. Just dangling there.

Scene: Jakob sick on Sunday
Jakob: Thank you for taking care of me today Mommy

Scene: Jakob home from school on Monday
Jakob: Thank you Daddy for staying home with me

I heart him a lot!!!

Jakob: What are the two sexiest animals in the barn?
Me: I don't know
Jakob: Brown Chicken Brown Cow (bow chicka wow wow)

Jakob: mommy... girls are weird.
Me: why?
Jakob: They cry when they are happy and go pee in groups.

Jakob: what does a mouse use when she is on her 'ya know'?
Me: I don't know.
Jakob: a mousepad

Joke from Jakob:
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, 'they shot my paw'.

On the radio- Carrie by Europe.
Me: I was in 6th grade listening to this.
Jakob: I didn't know Europe was that old of a band.

Jordan: Have you ever had surgery Daddy?
Shane: I had elbow surgery. They removed a bone chip the size of a quarter.
Me: Well I had two human beings removed from my body.

This is a doozie...
Jakob: the ocean is so salty because when a whale 'ya know' only 10% of the 40 gallons of sperm makes it inside the female.
Me: :/

In the car and the kids are fighting:
Jakob: jordan you are like a slinky..you're not good for much, but brings a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Sure jakob you can make your dinner...ham covered hotdog smothered in cheese.

Jakob: so this girl asked me to go to fright fest at six flags
Me: what is her name?
Jakob: 'kerra' 'karra' no its 'kerra'.
Shane: Atta boy
Me: :/

Jordan: Have you ever had surgery Daddy?
Shane: I had elbow surgery. They removed a bone chip the size of a quarter.
Me: Well I had two human beings removed from my body.

Jordan: Which ice cream do you want Jakob?
Jakob: I want Napoleon.

It's that time of the year again! J and J are for sale...just for the month. 10 year old girl and 12 year old boy, potty trained and both sleeps through the night.

Dinner Menu for J and J: Pizza and Salad
Dinner Menu for us: Salmon, Asparagus and Potatoes
Jordan: Can I have one? If it's one is it asparagus and if it's more is it asparagi?

In the car and the kids are fighting:
Jakob: jordan you are like a slinky..you're not good for much, but brings a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Jakob: Can you play some good music. Billy Joel playing.

12:10am at the gas station. Wake up jordan let's go to the bathroom. Why did you wake me? You don't wake me up at home and I never wet the bed.

Jakob: I saw on TV that they can hook a machine up to you that can see the intensity of pain.
Me: Ok
Jakob: When a guy gets kicked in the balls.
Me: Jakob don't use that word.
Jakob: When I guy gets hit in the balls...
Me: I smile
Jakob: ...it hurts worse than having twins.
Jordan: Let's test it out.

Mommy: want to watch a movie?
Jordan: sure...can we watch a thick one
Mommy: thick?
Jordan: not the dvd..the other one.
Mommy: Oh..a video tape

Scene: shane playing catch with jordan before her game. jordan goes to the dugout and shane in bleachers. Jordan notices a bag of balls.
Jordan yells to shane: daddy did you forget your balls?

Scene: Homework
Jordan: What is the date of entry into the Union, for Missouri?
Shane: August 10, 1821..that is Aunt Brandy Gentry- Baker's Birthdate
Jordan: She was born in 1821!!?!!

Scene: On Our Way To School
Mommy: I love You
Jakob: See ya

Mommy: Jakob why is there an opened taco bell sauce packet under the toilet seat?
Jakob: I wanted one of you to sit down and for it to look like it came out of you.
Mommy: Jakob this is not a frat house!!!!

Jakob: Can I get a pretzel? (at Jordan's basketball game)
Mommy: I don't have any money for a pretzel.
Jakob: Seriously...ummm get a job
Mommy: (I did smile...little shi*head)

Scene: Took J and J to watch Shane coach his freshman boys basketball team.
Player On The Team says to Coach Gentry: I didn't know you had two daughters.
Me: Nice!!!
Jordan: Why are you so happy?

Time to Home School Jakob:
Jakob: I have a question from something I heard at lunch today.
Mommy: OK
Jakob: How does a girl have an O?

Deep Discussions On Our Way To School
Jakob: Why when you die does your body get cold?
Mommy: Well...umm your body stays warm because blood is flowing through it.
Jakob: I thought your balls kept you warm
Mommy: Almost wrecked the car.

Scene: At Home Depot and Jakob is laying on the floor in the fan and light section, after we ate at taco bell
Mommy: are you okay?
Jakob: Looks at me and says 'I'm so full..I threw up in my mouth a little bit'

Scene: J and J playing catch with a foam ball in the house (yes bad idea)
Jordan: HEY!!!!
Jakob: Dork...I didn't mean to hit you there
Jordan: (breaks out in song)...'Hey don't touch me there...that's my no no square'
Mommy: (I love my kids!!!)

Scene: with the family all saying wat we are thankful for.
Jakob: food
Jordan: mommy and daddy, but not jakob

Scene: Jakob is working on his homework
Mommy: Did you bring your book home?
Jakob: No..I will look online because everything that is in a book comes from the internet
Mommy: bahaha (holy crap...this is the new generation people)

Scene: Guess what this boy said at school.....
Jordan: Trent at school said he works for the FBI. He said that means Female Body Inspector. She asked is that what you want to be when you grow up. He said Yes.
Shane: Yeah...lets stay away from Trent.

Scene: We purchased a new ottamon and there was a sticker on top that said 'parts inside' (feet of the ottamon were put in the zippered part underneath).
Jakob said: Mommy look. (He has the sticker placed over his pants)

Jakob: Can I have some milk before bed?
Mommy: Yep
Jakob: Yeah it won't be 'milf'
Mommy and Daddy: Look at each other like..did he say 'ya know'.
Mommy: What did you say"
Jakob: Milf..that is what you call breast milk (being all cool and goofy)
Us: Laughing and asking if he learned that at school?
Jakob: Yep

Scene: Grandma and Grandpa watching the kids (they brought their dog). The dog was 'cleaning herself' while they were watching tv.
Jakob: Looks at the dog and then looks at Grandpa and says, "I would never leave the house if I could do that".

Jakob: Can I put saran wrap on the toilet to trick Jordan
Mommy: No
Jakob: It would be so funny
Mommy: Do that with your college friends
Jakob: I don't have any I am only 11

Scene: Video Store
Jakob: Why can't I get a video game with sexual content?
Mommy: Because you are not allowed right now
Jakob: I know about sex. The stuff I don't know I will learn in sooner or later.
Mommy: :/

Scene: Kids in the gas station bathroom
Jordan comes out: What are condoms
Jakob waiting outside: Those are condiments Jordan (being an awesome big brother)
Jordan: (jordan so confused) I try to redirect her questions which works
Jakob to me: Yeah most condiments don't have raised studs and are not called rough riders

Scene: Jordan pitched at her softball game tonight. We left and an 'older boy' about 2 years older...a fan from THE OTHER team. Said “nice pitching”.
Mommy: Wow...he liked your pitching.
Jordan: Mommy..whatever. (blushing)
Mommy to Jakob and Daddy when we got in the car: Jordan just got hit on.
...Jakob: Was it the boy with only 2 teeth
Daddy: Jakob that isn't very nice
Jakob: Well he isn't in here.

In The Dressing Room
Mommy: Take off your pants, so you can try on the shorts
Jakob: (he takes them off)
Mommy: Now..your long johns
Jakob: I can't...I'm not wearing underwear

In the car getting ready to go to school.
Jakob: Mommy can you throw out my leftover lunch..it was in my backpack?
Mommy: Sure...is it from yesterday?
Jakob: No....last week.
(the expression on Jordan's face was awesome)
...Don't forget today is friday and last week was at least 7 days ago!!!!!

Mommy: Jakob what is on your shirt?
Jakob: (proceeds to lick his shirt)
Jakob: Oh..its chocolate

Jakob: Feel this piece of paper that I crumpled into a ball over and over again
Mommy: Yeah
Jakob: Soft isn't it?
Mommy: sure
...Jakob: I am going to use it when i go to the bathroom
Mommy: Jakob!!!!
----an hour has passed-----
Mommy: Jakob where is the 'soft paper'
Jakob: I used it

Pat Sajek: So tell me..what are your duties as a commanding officer
Jakob: He said doodies

Scene: Dinner
Jakob: Have you ever seen the movie Constipation
Mommy: Jakob!!!!! No I haven't....
Jakob: That's because it's not out yet

Jordan: That guy gave me a whole handful of candy.Daddy..did you see the size of his hand?
Daddy: Laughing

Mommy: Let me show you how you know spaghetti is ready
Mommy: I flung it on the wall and stuck (old cooking tip)
Jakob: He flung it on the ceiling
Mommy = Dumbass

Jakob: Mommy do you know an inappropriate name to say, but it is a real name?
Mommy: ummmmm...I don't know
Jakob: Mike Hawk

Jakob: Ya know they make bacon flavored deodorant.
Mommy: No they don't.
Jakob: Yeah they do.... for single women.
Mommy: bahahahahahahah

Jordan's Homework: Write one thing that you are certain will NOT happen today.
Jordan's Answer: My Birthday will NOT happen today.

I play this game with J and J:
Mommy: I
Jakob: love
Mommy: you
Jakob: you
Mommy: love
Jakob: me
Mommy: more
Jakob: than
Mommy: chocolate/working out/greys anatomy/video games/baseball/etc

Today my sweet jakob looked at me with this look and wanted to play. Made me melt.

Jakob: I
Mommy: love
Jakob: taco bell
Mommy: (awesome)

Jordan: Jakob your butt smells like a dead camel.
Daddy: Jordan how do you know what a dead camel smells like?
Jordan: Well I have smelled live camels before and they smell terrible.

Mommy: I love your trophy. (softball over the summer)
Jordan: Yep. But she has boobies.

Monday Night....
Mommy: J and J get your clothes ready for school.

Tuesday Morning....
Jakob: I don't have any underwear. (standing there naked in the kitchen)
Mommy: I thought I asked you to get your clothes ready last night.
Jakob: Commando it is!

Jakob: I want to watch Lingerie Football League. I taped a commercial of it to show you. http://www.lflus.com
Mommy: Yeah I don't think so.
Jakob: Its not like underwear or anything...just really short shorts.
Mommy: Yeah..I don't think so.

Mommy: You won't believe what happened today?
Jakob: You saw Ryan Seacrest
Mommy: ??
Jakob: Well that would be pretty cool
Mommy: Where would I see him?
Jakob: Umm...walking down the street.

Jakob: Mommy today, at school, I got my head stuck in a chair.
Mommy: (laughter)

Jakob: Do you know the name of a female dog?
Mommy: Yes...do you know the name?
Jakob: Yep..its in the dictionary. There is also a name of donkey in there too.

Jakob: When can I start seeing nudity in movies?
Mom: When you are 38.
Jakob: Seriously when?!? I am being serious. Tell me..when.

Mom: Please take out the trash.
Jakob: Don't tell me my business Devil Woman.

Jakob: Mom what begins with F and ends in UCK
Mom: (the look)
Jakob: Firetruck

Me: How was school Jakob.
Jakob: Great! We have a new PE student teacher.
Me: Thats cool
Jakob: Yep...She is hot!

Jakob tries to say dirty words without saying the word ie) he won't say d**k, but will say meatstick. (i know lovely)

Jordan likes to say the f word. She will look at us and say 'I just said the f-word in my head and you can't stop me.' Will look at us with a blank stare and say, 'did it again'.

Jakob...my lovely son says to his sister Jordan, at the zoo, "Jordan look a peacock. I say Pea..you say...". Yep she said it.

So the song 'Shook Me All Night Long' came on and we were quizzing Jordan on who sings it. She gave it a good shot with: A T & T

So Shane being Mr. Mom this summer is tired of being called Daddy. He has convinced J and J to call him 'Carl'.

So we took the kids to play golf this afternoon. Jakob is wearing a 'wife beater' and a shirt over it. He wanted to wear just the tank and I said no. He asked why I called it a wife beater. I explained. Later tonight he said, "Well..im going to wear my 'wife basher' to bed."

So Jordan is covering 2nd. The ball comes to her and it looked like it bounced up and hit her. She seems okay. They come off the field and she runs to us crying. We assume she is hurt. Tears rolling down her face she says, "The umpire wants me to take my earrings out".

Mom: Did you shower?
Jakob: NO
Mom: There is sand in your bed and dirty clothes on the floor. Who is going to clean up after you when you are older.
Jakob: My wife.
Dad: Why would your wife want to come home after working and clean up after you.
Jakob: Dad..I will pay her..duh.

Jakob: What is a blowdry?
Mommy: Where did you hear that?
Jakob: School
Mommy: Wait for your father to get home.

Jordan runs in the house to get money because the ice cream truck is coming up the street. I look in her bedroom and she is panicking as she is trying to open up her locked journal with money in it, which will not open. I say, "Jordan take your time and say your password slowly". She looks at me and speaks into the journal very clearly saying, "HAM".

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