The Cereal Killer Cafe Cookbook
Pop tarts were the perfect accompaniment to our bowl of cereal when we were kids. There was something very bodacious about the speckled frosting on the toaster pastries that made us feel like American teenagers, just like ‘Clarissa’ in her ‘explains it all’ series. Which, in hindsight, didn’t really explain it all to us; we did learn about dealing with pimples and wearing a training bra (not that I needed that knowledge), but there was a plethora of subjects that Clarissa left unexplained – global politics, art history, quantum physics…
One thing Clarissa did explain, though, has stuck with me: there is nothing cooler than having a bedroom window that your best friend could climb through to come and see you. But in the real world, how goddamn dangerous is that?!
Back to pop tarts, and I’m sure you are already salivating at the thought of a bacon one… Mixing savoury bacon with something sweet isn’t a new thing; in America, Dunkin’ Donuts even sell a breakfast donut, which is essentially a bacon butty made from a glazed donut instead of a bread roll. Too far?
© 2021 Gary Keery / Ebury Press · Reproduced with permission. · THE CEREAL KILLER CAFÉ COOKBOOK BY ALAN AND GARY KEERY (EBURY PRESS, HARDBACK £12.99) PHOTOGRAPHY: HAARALA HAMILTON
OK, first up, preheat the oven to 180°C and heat the grill. Everything else in this recipe will be much more pleasurable if you are working to the smell of grilled bacon.
Grill the bacon until crispy and brown, and pop 7 of the 8 rashers into your food processor, along with the maple syrup (keeping 1 for garnishing the tarts) and pulse it, pulse it good, p-pulse it real good, until smooth.
If you’re a Miss Fancy Pants and have a pasta roller, this is the time to use it; if you’re a regular Joe, a rolling pin or empty wine bottle will suffice. Now roll out the pastry to the thickness of a penny, and cut it into 8 pop-tart-sized rectangles (4 for the base and 4 for the lids).
Lay out the pastry rectangles on a baking tray lined with baking parchment and brush the edges of the pastry with the beaten egg. Top half of the rectangles with the tasty bacon paste, leaving a 1cm gap right around the edges, then pop another pastry rectangle on top and seal the edges by pressing down with a fork.
Bake in the oven for 15 minutes, or until golden brown. Take them out of the oven and try to resist scoffing
them, instead let them cool.
While the tarts are cooling, sift the icing sugar into a
bowl then slowly add some maple syrup, one teaspoon
at a time, stirring until it is smooth like Luther Vandross. Now spread the maple icing on top of the tarts, and
finely chop the extra grilled bacon and sprinkle on top.
All that’s left to do is take the pop tarts to a friend’s house and try to climb through the window without getting arrested!