Fears

Ok, so I wouldn't call this a 'rant', more of a 'help me plz!'.

See, my boyfriend is scared of heights, and terrified of flying. I'm quite the adventurous sort who longs to go travelling, and so for a while have been worried about that time when I'll want to hop on a Ryanair cheap flight and fly away to some mad European city for the weekend... and he won't be able to come with me. Thankfully, I've so far managed to suppress all urges (apart from the one where in a few weeks I fly to Dublin for the night to see my best friend, but he doesn't need to be there for that) only now we have a problem on our hands.

My sister *top secret information* has just got engaged. In Australia, to an Australian. The wedding will be in Australia, in June or July of next year (if all goes to plan). Obviously, I'm going. Obviously, I want my poppet to be there too. My Tom and I have been together longer than the couple getting married so it'll be fun and we can be smarmy. "Oh, you've only been going out a year and a half? We're coming up to the third anniversary." Fnar fnar fnar. Anyway! Also, I've been asked to be the Maid of Honour (Hooray!) and I'd love for him to see me looking dashing, and of course to sample my very first Wedding Cake. (Yes! I'm on cake duties!)

He is reluctant. He is more than reluctant. Before I even asked him he was saying "I don't want to go Rosa, I can't go, I just can't go" And looking at me with his little puppy dog eyes and pleading with me that I didn't demand he goes. Being as in shock and as tired as I was (My mother had woken me up with a phone call about the surprise engagement at 10am in the morning, following a pretty hefty party the night before...)I just said "of course you don't have to come" Although, at the time I did expect the wedding to be in about a month's time, and in all honesty- I didn't expect it to be happen. (and I'm not even sure if I do now)

See, thing is I've thought about it and I want him there. I want him there so bad! Obviously flights to Australia cost a lot, but then! Think about going via Japan! We can have the (terrifying) holiday of a life time!

To begin with, in our relationship (for the first year and a half) I had a very engrossed fear that I couldn't release. I don't want to go into it, because it's quite personal, but because of how important it was for our relationship for me to get over this, I spent a lot of time in counselling for it, and I tried ever so hard and everything so I could be good for him. It was pretty difficult because the fear was so completely engrained in me, no matter how much my head was like "It's fine, it's fine" I just couldn't do it. The fear manifested itself as a physical problem, that wouldn't budge. It's over now, but it didn't pass without utter mental torment on my part. It was truly horrible but I really pulled through it for him, and I'd like him to do the same for me in this case.

I'd really like any advice! I'm thinking about surprising him with one of those very small aeroplane pleasure flight things. There are quite a few airfields around here. I think it'd be £50 for an hour, but I think if it works it'd be worth it. It's our Anniversary coming up, so I can call it an 'anniversary surprise'?

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8 replies since 14th July 2008 • Last reply 14th July 2008

set him down and tell him that a relationship is work that you have to make choices and sacrifices for the better of the union
remind him that their was a time when you had fears that you didnt think that you could over come but you knew it was in your and the relationships best interest and then to make him feel good remind him how much he helped you through that time and how supportive he was and even though it was very difficult for you having his support made it easier and knowing he loves you made the decision easy to make then switch the table and tell him all you would like is a chance to return the favor and help him get over his fear that you want to be their to love and support him like he did you and then tell him how much his sacrifice will strenthen your relationship and bringe the two of you even closer together then you already are

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It's a very tough situation, because it's not like he's flat out refusing to be there- I'm sure he would love to go. But when you're dealing with a fear, it makes it a little tougher. Remember that it's not a personal stab at you that he's afraid of something, it's his own personal deal.

I'm not scared of flying, but I am DEATHLY afraid of heights- specifically the feeling of going up, like the first lift on a roller coaster. Scares the freaking batshit out of me. So I'm trying to put myself in his position, as if someone important to me came and said "Hey, my sister's getting married at the top of this mountain! Hop on the helicopter and let's go!" Yeah, I'm kind of getting the jitters in the pit of my stomach just thinking about it.

To help him get over his fear, the best way in my opinion would be to take it in baby steps. Start with small heights, maybe a bridge or somewhere nearby that you could just walk across? I wouldn't just throw him into an airplane and be like "See, it's fun!" I probably woudn't even get on the plane if someone sprung that on me out of the blue. Try to really see it as helping him live a fuller life that includes being able to fly places, instead of "Hurry up and get over your fear on my timetable, plz."

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the pleasure flight things sound good, maybe get him into hypnothearpy too. My boyfriend has eliminated most of my anxiety and has got rid of one particular fear, almost, he's scared of heights too but not flying but say there was something that he HAD to do sort of that involved heights then I'd try my best to help him because he's helped me and you've said how you pulled through a fear for him so just explain that to him I'm sure he'll want to and also Austrialia wooow!

teehehehe at poppet, i love nicknames, I'm 'babushka' at the moment!!

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Do you know why he is afraid of heights and flying? Has he ever flown before? Maybe he could take some anxiety pills or something.
I am also terrified of heights and of lift off and landing while flying. I have given in to my boyfriend on a number of times and climbed crazy things, the eiffel tower the grande arche, but couldn't make it up the windy staircase in Notre Dame and I regret it now.
I don't know about the pleasure flight, unless you warn the pilot beforehand, as they always tend to fly crazily! Well from down here it looks crazy. I think definitely he should take a short flight somewhere if he does plan on going. Good luck though.

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The fear of heights and flying is more to do with the fear of dying then heights or flying. Like in Florence and we climbed up the cathedral, my friend looked traumatized afterwards because she never thought she was scared of heights before, it was more the fear of falling down very steep concreate steps, I was equally scared on the way down. Before we went to New York my mum was worried I'd refuse to get on the plane because I was so worried about terroism! 6 years on from 9/11. I nearly cried a few times on the bus thinking about how scared I was and once I couldn't sleep for worry! But once I was on the flight I was fine. I suppose it's different for sometone with an actual fear though of course!

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He's scared of falling most.

I've talked to him about it, and he's happy to try out the pleasure flight thing. We'll do baby steps.

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aaaw that's really good that he's willing to overcome it, give him a pat on the back from me!

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It shouldn't be reeeeeally difficult, he's flown a bit in the past. He went to New York when he was young and everything. It was just he went up a windmill when he was a bit older but still young, and he suddenly became afraid of heights.

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