One of my best friends had a baby on Monday. I followed closely all of her pregnancy, despite her being back in Ireland and me being in Italy at present.
Right after birth it was clear something wasn't right. First it looked like the baby's kidneys weren't working properly, then there was a problem with his lungs.
He passed away this afternoon at 6 pm, held by his wonderful parents.
I love my friends so much. I know they're in a terrible distress. I'm literally a thousand miles away and I can't stop crying. There is nothing I can do - I won't even be able to arrange things quickly enough to go at the funeral.
I don't know what to say. I'm not even sure there's something I want to say, but at the same time I don't want them to think I don't care. No Facebook message, text, phone call or email seems enough to me. And there's literally nothing else I can do, because I'm so far away.
I don't know what to do. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you in advance guys.
Maybe a phonecall doesn't feel good enough but it's the best option to be close. The tone and sound of a voice tells more then 1000 words in an email. Maybe you can make arrangments for a later date to visit them and be close. I'm sure they will appreciate every way you show you care.
I suggest a sympathy card and sending some flowers for the funeral. You can arrange for flowers to be sent to the funeral home over the internet or the phone so it shouldn’t be difficult even if you are far away.
My sister's nephew passed away from SIDS recently and there isn't really much a person can say or do to make someone who goes through that feel better, but taking the time to pay homage to the life and loss the way you would if the person was older is usually appreciated.
I know how you feel. A couple years ago, the day after my fiance's birthday, his brother and father were killed in a car accident. I was 1000 miles away and couldn't get out to be with him and his mom as they dealt with the loss. My mom allowed me to borrow a bit of money to see them a few months after the ordeal and it still meant a lot to them.
Send them a card, give them a phone call... what really matters is that you're still there for them even though you're 1000 miles away.
I feel so bad for them and you.That is so very sad.
I think Pinkweeds has the right idea.
The death of a baby is possibly the most heart breaking thing that could happen to any family.
The most important piece of advice I have is that you let your friend know you care.
When a baby dies, people tend to avoid you as they don't know what to say,they are afraid of upsetting you, they don't want to be the one to make you cry. They are sure their words are not enough, or insignificant. All I needed was for someone to talk to me, to tell me they cared, to show they were not afraid of me.
The worst thing was people saying that it was for the best, and that obviously there was something wrong, and at least there was no suffering. It is never for the best, it is heart breaking and horrendous and you feel like you're drowning in your own tears and grief.
Your friend will know you care. Just hold out your hand, take hold of hers and tell her you love her. You know there are no words that will ever make it right and if the only thing you can offer from 1000 miles away is to be there when she needs to talk, then that's what you have to give.
Let her talk and cry and if you have to, phone her daily, or text her daily to say I love you, how are you feeling today, is there anything you need?
You are a wonderful friend Mary, and it shows in your post.
Lots of love
Yesterday night I stayed up late and discussed this with my partner.
I think the worst thing, when you lose someone, is coming home to find something that reminds you of him or her. The poor things lovingly painted, decorated and furnished a nursery that's now there to remind them their son isn't there. I thought they could need a break where for a while they weren't forced to see those things everyday.
We decided to offer them a holiday. My BF's family has a tiny one-bedroom apartment that's currently unoccupied, I'm going to e-mail them and tell them they're welcome to come over and stay as long as they want. The accomodation is free, the house is furnished and fully functional so they're indipendent.
I just felt I needed to do something. What do you think? Is it a good idea?
After the funeral I'm also going to send them a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates, with a card saying: "Remember that life has still beautiful things to see and good things to eat".
I still don't think this is enough. I tried to call yesterday, but the answering machine was on. I guess they don't want to be bothered right now.
Mary, I think offering the apartment for a holiday is a wonderful idea. You bf is a gem for thinking of it. Send the flowers and chocolate, as well.
I am very sorry for their loss and my heart goes out to them and to you. Just being there for them in any way you can will mean alot, whether or not its over the phone, in sending a card and over the net. Offering them the apratment is a great idea and its very kind of your boyfriend and their family to help. Time away from everything hopefully will help.
I talked to my friend over the phone tonight. Of course she sounded awful, but she managed to laugh a little bit about her being out and about the day after having a caesarean and all doctors looking at her with their faces on the floor. She told me she's going to kill me if I try and fly over for the funeral, and that I'm family and I'll be there with them anyway. She said they're going to call me on Skype video-chat as soon as they get home after the funeral, so I can feel like I'm visiting with all the other friends and relatives. I cried my eyes out.
They asked not to send flowers but to consider making a donation to the hospital where the baby was born instead. They said everybody has been so wonderfully kind and they've gone beyond themselves to help them. I'm making a donation, but I'm also sending them a CD of soothing music ("Autumn" by George Winston, I use it to get rid of headaches and works wonders), an handmade dream catcher for their bad dreams, a small bear to represent me (we've got this ongoing joke about me being the Ambassador of bears, because I like them so much), a box of my friend's favourite Italian chocolates and many, many handmade lucky stars. And I'll send them an happygram as often as I manage, at least till October, when I'll be able to visit myself.
It's not even remotely enough, but I hope it helps a little. They also told me they might be visiting later this year. Let's hope they do.
when my grandma died there were about 50 bunches of flowers at the funeral. i wish we had thought to say something about donating the money. (although i did pay to have "GRANDMA" written in roses and displayed in the hearse. i think a holiday is a good idea, when you visit maybe offer to help them redecorate if they want to.
i dont know your friends, but something to brighten their day on a regularish basis i think would be nice, lets them know you are thinking of them and its nice to recieve unexpected things. the death of any loved one is hard, ive wished i had someone who didnt know my grandma that well to let me cry on their shoulder instead of me having to "be strong" for my parents - i wasnt (and still havent) been able to grieve properly, and its been over 2 years.
certain things remind me of my grandma, specifically other peoples grandmas and things about strokes and heart attacks because that is how my grandma died. i dont know if your friends will try to have another baby or not,but i would just suggest offering to be there if they need to talk or anything.
a friend who is truly there whenever needed is one of the best things ever, and i eny them for having a friend like you.
Oh, Mary. I'm so sorry to hear this news. I will be praying for this family. People in my family have had a similar thing happen...losing a baby is one of the worst things on Earth.
(In fact, I'm fighting tears thinking about these two situations.)
You're doing all the right things, Mary. They just need to know they're not alone. You can't fill the void they now have, but you can always let them know that you are there for them. Inviting them to your bf's family's house was a perfect idea. Thank you for being such a wonderful person to this family.
Mary I think that you thought of a great idea for your friends. Skype is also amazing for felling like your just a little bit closer to your friends. And I love the idea they had for donating to the hospital. I hope your friends are surrounded by love in this hard time. I know your doing all you can to make sure that happens <3 <3
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