i am no one

im not even sure where to begin.... im not even sure that i know where the beginning was or has everything been like this forever.... i feel like ive hit the bottom.... i have no friends.... literally.... the one person i thought was my friend isnt interested in me unless theres no alternative... im not cool enough i suppose, because i dont go out and get drunk and im not skinny or pretty.... i have no job since i had to close my business due to the economy, so money is non exsistent... my family turn like the wind every two days... one day they like me the next day they don't.... the only thing keeping me going is my boyfriend and even he is getting annoyed with me.... i cant force myself out of the bed, and when i do get up i dont want to leave the house, which isnt fair on him i know.... i feel like everyone is laughing at me all of the time... no one wants to be my friend... i dont even have some one i can call to go for a coffee and a chat... what would i chat about? why would any one care to listen? i have a sister who uses me and i let her, because i feel like its the only way i can stay connected to everything else, like if i keep her happy she'll tell me about her nights out and at least ill know what was going on... its not her fault, its my fault i know that.... she lives with us now and im listening to her get ready to go out again, while im lying here worrying about what we will eat today as we are trying to make 8euro last us til next wednesday. my father doesnt speak to me, hasnt done since well before christmas, knowing he cares that little crushes me... i feel like if i was gone things wouldnt even change, like it wouldnt even matter. im sure most of you will say im stupid, attention seeking, get over myself etc... maybe your right....

i just wish i could erase myself and start again....

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9 replies since 6th March 2011 • Last reply 6th March 2011

hi, this popped up as the latest blog when I logged in, having had a quick browse through other blogs you've put up nothing seems to have changed in how you feel since last year so I think the best practical advise is to get yourself a doctors appointment first thing tomorrow morning. Obvioulsy I don't know anymore than what I've read but I think you need to sort out your depression before you can tackle anything else coz at the end of the day its up to you how your life goes and no one else. You have to put the effort into make things change Im afraid. As someone who had the worlds sh*****t year last year ( I lost my dad and my job in the same week a fortnight after new year!) I know that you can't dwell on the bad stuff and even if you don't feel like smiling, leaving the house etc, FAKE IT!
And I'm afraid you're right about the bit about people don't want to listen all the time, as a general rule most poeple are sympathetic to the same problem once or twice but after theyve offered a sympathetic ear and some advise they don't want to hear the same story again. At the end of the day would you rather be friend with someone who mostly cheery and fun to be around with the occasional meltdown or someone whose terminally depressed?
I don't mean to sound harsh but if you want to get out there and make new friends and get a new job etc you goning to ahve to get a more positive frame of mind either with the help of a prescription or on your own.
Good luck x

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I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have three friends: my fiance, my best friend David, and my friend who lives a 13 hour flight from me all the way in Portugal. It really hurts not having anyone to talk to, especially when you're going through a hard time on top of it all. I've never thought of myself as a screwed up person, but my parents love using every opportunity to break me down and tell my I'm going to hell (they're extremely religious and disapprove of my open-mindedness), I'm worthless, I'm a screw-up, etc. It's really unfair.

If you ever want a friend or someone to talk to, you can message me anytime, I think we both have the same kind of feelings when it comes to things like this.

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Depression is an illness and it can be treated. The first step is accepting you have a problem, the second is getting help with it. Once you have that help things can start to improve, but you are the only one who can make the first move, take that first step.

I've been there. I have depression. I have other issues which complicate it too, but I know them and am dealing with them. One step is all it takes. One step at a time.

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I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there's a pair of us?
Don't tell! they'd advertise – you know!

How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one's name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!


-Emily Dickonson made an art out of not ever leaving her house or talking to others. She never let anyone see her. I think she found being depressed beautiful. You clearly disagree with that and realize on some level, that you are sick and need help. Since you use euros I can assume pretty safely that you have free healthcare in your hometown so there is no reason why you aren't seeing someone about your depression. You need to get some medical help- and I think you know that. I don't like it when people complain about their lives and do nothing to change things. That's obnoxious and there is no reason for it. You know how to change things for yourself, you know what you have to do- and if you are unwilling to do it then you have no right to complain.

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I empathize; It's hard to change your life when everything seems to be getting you down. And changing your life takes time. I agree with everyone; you should go make a doctor's appointment and get some help. Depression can be treated through therapy or drugs. I know it doesn't seem like it but life does get better. Other people have gone through what you're going through, so don't feel alone. I think it's a good first step that you're talking about your feelings.
I wish you the best of luck.
And if you need to talk, you can message me too because I've gone through depression and it's not an issue that should be ignored or lightly brushed over.

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Annie,

I suffer with acute depression, I admitted I needed help at the beginning of this year when I had a break down. I am now taking anti depressants and seeing a counsellor. I am not ashamed, I am not weak because I suffer depression, in fact I am strong because I can admit that I have a problem.
Anyway, my Nanna is my hero and this poem is on her wall and she has repeated it to me numerous times over the years. I carry a copy in my purse and have it displayed at home.

Read it, it brings me hope every time I do.

Much love to you

K/x

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

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You're someone! Look at all of the responses you've gotten!

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Annie I used to make my students make a piece of art from these words

WHEN YOU WAKE UP,
LIE STILL FOR TWO MINUTES
SAY OUTLOUD
I AM BLOODY BRILLIANT.
I AM GREAT.
I AM NUMBER ONE.
UNIQUE.
I LIKE ME.
I AM WORTH IT.
I AM HIGHLY INTELLIGENT.
NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS MAY SAY.

Talk to someone professional about your feelings.If your in the UK MIND offers phone contact.Get someone to check your Vitamin D levels !

Emotions are physical,physiological and matter I hope next year finds you in a better place.

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You have friends. You just need to know where to look.

I would love to startup a friendship with you.

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