relationships issues :/

This stuff has been really annoying me for a while now... whenever I bring it up with him (bf) he gets annoyed at me for thinking it. Argh! It feels like he's not even trying when it comes to us. He'll have a girl over for drinks which usually means she stays the night. And he doesnt even ask if i want to come over until i bring it up. Doesnt msg me until i msg him. He doesnt like it when i can see his msgs on msn or his phone... he'll block me from reading it... And yet he says he loves me. and even then it doesnt feel like it. I do have trust issues due to previous shitty bfs ('scuse the language)... So i dont know if its just me or if there is something going in behind my back. again.
Sorry for unloading all this here but it is driving me insane... Im torn between getting rid of him and just sitting back and seeing what happens later on... :/ any help would be appreciated...

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14 replies since 4th November 2010 • Last reply 4th November 2010

They call them "instincts" for a reason hun. You know this isn't kosher. If the roles were reversed and YOU were the one bringing home guys to spend the night, and never having a thought for whether or not you should call your BOYFRIEND to come hang out...then you probably know that if he's not on your mind, he's not in your heart.

Same for him to you. I know it sounds Utopian, but it's true. If you're not on his mind, you're not in his heart. Now, don't get me wrong. Sometimes guys have a hard time expressing how they think of you all day...but even if he's having trouble expressing how much he cares, I pretty much can guarantee he wouldn't invite friends over without calling you (If he really loved you)

The phone thing is a big issue...but it's complicated. If you trust him, don't mess with his phone. Don't pick it up, don't look over his shoulder, don't touch it. Period. A man's phone/wallet is just like a woman's purse. It's his private stuff. If you go digging in it and he catches you, he'll think to himself, "Well, if she doesn't trust me, then maybe I should give her a reason not to". So, if you're nosy about his phone, then he'll probably be very annoyed and lock it. Whether he's being naughty or not.

NOW...if you've not given him a reason to be covetous of his phone. (You don't go snooping every time he sets it down) and he still acts weird about his phone, then you should be worried. (In my opinion) Again, he may just be annoyed that you're being nosy.

BUT, the phone thing, coupled with the girls staying over thing...is kind of obvious.

I know I'm typing a lot, and I'm sorry. It's late and I ramble. lol

Here's what you do. Completely give him free reign. (I advise against being intimate...just in case) for about a week or so. Don't call and check up, don't even look sideways at his phone. Don't nag him or ask where he's been. Pretend that you are completely oblivious to what he might be up to. Then, just kind of watch his behavior. Think to yourself, is this how a man who loves his woman acts? Try to be objective.

But...if my man had invited a girl over to get wasted and spend the night I don't think I would have the question of whether or not he loved me.

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You listed some of the major warning signs of a cheating spouse. Its a matter of respect. Can you respect yourself if you stay in this relationship knowing that he is having other girls stay the night with him? Because you know he does not respect you when he does that. And real love does not exist without respect unless you are talking about your mother. I think though, that if you are posting this, you already know what you have to do.

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I've got to agree with the previous two posts. How can he have girls overnight and not be with you?!?!?! If he's got nothing to hide then why is he hiding stuff... sorry but you're better off getting rid of this waster. Like Dessah said, if you're not on his mind then you're not in his heart. Anyone can say "I love you" it gets thrown about like a chew toy these days. Besides those words are meaningless if he doesn't have the behaviour to back it up!!

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Mmmm........... get away. Get away, away, away. Staying will only hurt you more, and honestly, he probably won't be hurt at all.Please do yourself a favor.

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Well...I'm together with my bf for 5-6 years now,but from the beginning he gave me his phone and his wallet to carry in my purse if we went somewhere,he left his phone besides me,he gives me his wallet when we go shopping(even if its me paying-I have his wallet) We drink with friends or just hang out together,and he calls me from work once a day just to talk.And I never ever asked him to do these things-he just did them naturally,didn't even notice it.
He did it because he trusts me and has no secrets from me.There was nothing to hide from me so he didn't.
If your bf has no secrets from you then why would he be irritated if you looked at his phone or messages?


When I cheated on a previous bf(not proud of it) I never let him see my phone.I just left it at home,or just hid it in my purse.And if he touched my personal stuff I got upset at him-and it wasn't because I had issues wit him touching my stuff,it was because I was terrified that someone could call me when hes holding my phone or that he could see some forgotten text messages.
So the point of my stories are-if he didn't have any secrets he wouldn't be hiding his phone and msn from you.Simple.

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Well, you're gonna do what you're gonna do regardless of what anybody here says, which is fair enough, but I'll just say this:
life is too short to spend it with a nobhead, that is all.

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I've said this in another post but communication is the key to any relationship and if he can't be 'bothered' to sit down and talk about something that is upsetting you, then you really have to think how much the relationship means to you. To be with someone who doesn't give a crap?

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And get yourself tested if you've been sleeping together.

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Sounds to me like he's already moved on...He's just allowing you to stick around as a f*** buddy most likely. Why else would he act the way he does? Keeping secrets and not msging you first is a HUGE sign. On top of that he's having girls over! WHAT! Why are you still with that loser?
I once was dating a guy who was cheating on me(But he was "Perfect" according to everyone)...he acted the same way basically...we broke up and I moved on to someone who everyone thought would break my heart. I didn't think he would and now we have been married 2 years. Trust yourself! No-one else has the instincts you do. If you have suspicions it's probably for a reason. You see the side of him no-one else does. Don't care what people will think just take care of yourself. Don't waste your life with someone that doesn't respect or love you.
Ditto on the getting tested. Good luck~

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Love is a verb... an action word... love is actions as well as words. He's only giving you half-love if he says it, but doesn't show it/ do it/ make it happen. Are you really ok with half-love?

If you dump him, and he really loves you, he'll try to find real ways to work it out.

Instincts are what help us survive, not just physically, but emotionally too. It's better to follow your gut and be a teeny embarrassed about getting it wrong, than ignoring it and getting majorly damaged.

Double ditto on the testing. If other girls are spending the night, it's like you're sleeping with them (and their diseases) too!

(sorry, I'm scatterbrained today)

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I agree with all the above posts! I would kick that douche to the curb. The phone thing would bother me- a lot- not because i want to snoop but because he acts so defensive about it. The inviting girls over to drink and have a slumber party part would really push me over the edge. That is not something people in a loving relationship do!

Even if the girl is "just a friend" and they have never had sex it's still the fact that his actions are having such a negative impact on you. If I did something completely innocent but it made my boyfriend extremely uncomfortable I would stop doing it because I love him and respect him and I dont want to hurt him. But this A-hole doesnt seem to care at all.

I agree with Laurel, you're going to do what you want to do, but my advice is to just let him go! You are better off without him!

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You obviously like him if you are putting up with his nonsense.

I'd give it a week and act in the same manner. If you're having boys stay over and keeping your stuff private he will either not mind (in this case he is probably just a bit thoughtless), suspect you of cheating (which means he probably is!), or realise how uncomfortable it feels when someone behaves like this.

Either way, you'll have something interesting to talk to him about at the end of the week!

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I'd say it's pretty obvious he's trying to hide something. Dump him and move on. Sorry if this sounds harsh but it's the truth. Even if he's not sleeping with these girls he brings over for drinks, he should realize it's a stupid idea to have them over at all. Especially if he's alone with her. And getting mad at you over small things like that? He's a brat, leave.

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Sounds to me like this guy is treating you like a 'safe bet' to fall back on anytime he feels lonely. Like others have said, you have gut feelings that something is wrong.

Try to be calm, don't snoop in his phone and like others have said let him have free reign. That way he will probably slip up if there is anything going on.

It's tough on you because you have invested your emotions in your relationship with this man. You have to ask yourself 'I am getting anything for what I am giving?'

It's supposed to be a partnership and unfortunately his actions show a lack of consideration for your feelings.

Even if he hasn't been 'playing around' it sounds like he has emotionally detatched himself from you. Dessah gave some really good advice.

Good luck with whatever you decide and remember you are not a doormat x

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