Burning Your Bridges- Needing Advice

Father Unit- the yeller, the screamer, the workaholic, the major headache.
Mother Unit- very sick, losing her memory, has favoritism to my older brother.
Older Brother- the messy neat freak, controls and takes over the room, momma's boy.
Little Brother- never showers, the cause of my Father Unit's screaming.

My dad said that he won't let me move out when I turn 18. By law, I can leave and he can't stop me. He can only stop me by taking my house keys. Listening to all the yelling and fighting that goes on in my house, I need a break. I need to get out when I'm 18, but the only way that I can is burning my bridges with my parents.

I turn 18 next month in May. I need to know if there is another way, a nicer way, to tell them I want to move out for a while, without cutting my ties to them.

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14 replies since 13th April 2010 • Last reply 13th April 2010

Do you have any extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins etc who could give you some support with this. Sometimes having someone on your side whos on the outside can really help, especially if they are related to one of your paren.ts too as they may listen to them and take what they have to say.
You sound like your in a really tough spot though so I really do feel for you. You sound like your doing this for the right reasons - ie so you can save the relationship with your family. where about's are you? You could have a look around on the net to see if there are any agencies that support families caring for someone in your mums position. I know in the UK Carers and families are entitled to respite (i.e. a break from caring) and that sounds like what your asking for. You could also have a work with your doctor, they may have an idea of what support is on offer to families caring someone very ill. I was working with someone with suspected dementia and it put an enormous strain on the family as his behaviour was so erratic and strange. He even painted the oven (including the hob) and all the light switches. He had no explaination for what he'd done and I think he thought he was doing DIY around the house like he always had done.
Good luck though and I hope that helps a bit.

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my advice is be careful of the bridges you burn in life, it may come back to haunt you. I agree with Arty KiKat, if there is family to lean on, lean. Family can be the worst. You can pick your friends but unfortunately you can't pick your family. If it is REALLY bad enough that you need to burn the bridge, make sure before you do it. I have family that have driven me to the point that as far as I'm concered they do not exist to me anymore. I wish them no harm. I'm just finished with them. Then if that's the case, burn baby burn. If not look for outside assistance. I send you love and well wishes. Hope you get the peace you need. XOXO

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Sounds like a sticky situation!
My advice is to travel for a summer! Work abroad somewhere so that you have the opportunity to live on your own, get some space, but you won't be hurting anyone in the process- you'll be taking an adventure!
Good luck with it!

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Thank you guys for the help. I do have other family, like my older sister. But only her. She wants me out of the house as well. But I can't live with her because she smokes weed. I dislike weed very much. As for my mom, she's only 43. There are no programs in the US that help with this because of her age. Things are getting harder to deal with. Sewing helps me get away from it all, but it can only do so much and I have only so much of material.

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Moving out is hard. It's not gonna be a fairy tale. If you move out at 18 and burn bridges, chances are you'll be working 2 or 3 jobs to try to make ends meet. Once you get your own place, there are (and this is a short list) Rent, Electricity, Water, Garbage, Car payment, Insurance, Phone, Gas, GROCERIES...plus all the little things your parents buy, that you don't think about. Like toilet paper, shampoo, toothpaste, cleaning supplies...etc.

I'm not trying to discourage you, but if you want to have a nice home and be able to purchase "fabric" ;) then really REALLY think about the pros and cons before striking out. My advice? Research collages and what grants you can apply for. Maybe living in a dorm wouldn't be so bad? I'd hate for you to just be so fed up with parents that you got yourself in a sticky situation and ended up being poor...or homeless for the (best years of your life).

Plus...all the arguing and fighting suck...but if you can stick it out, save your money and go to school...you'll be better in the long run. Your family will be stay together, and you'll learn valuable lessons on patience and determination. ;)

I'm only 27, love...It hasn't really been that long since I was in your shoes. Trust me. ;)

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Do you really think your father will disown you if you move out? And if he does for how long? Is his plan to keep you there forever?
Honestly, I would say your best option is to go to college, and live in the dorms if you cant afford your own place. Thats how a lot of people get away from home.

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Do you really think your father will disown you if you move out? And if he does for how long? Is his plan to keep you there forever?
Honestly, I would say your best option is to go to college, and live in the dorms if you cant afford your own place. Thats how a lot of people get away from home.

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Have a look at this website. I'm not sure if its any good or not but it has potential. Its a Respite Locator. You put in the age of the person who is being cared for and the state you live in and tick the condition/s they are effect by and it should give you an idea if there is anything in your area. You could also speak to the doctor treating your mum. Part of your mums care should include some kind of carers assessment (I think anyway). I hope this helps.

http://chtop.org/ARCH/National-Respite-Locator.html

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If you're on Facebook you could also try finding a group relating to your situation. When I was looking for the respite idea I tried searching with 'early onset dementia'. if you put that in you may find one.

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@Traci, My father disowned my older sister for the last 5 years.. I know he'll do the same for me. My boyfriend said he's going to let me move in with his mom and him if I can't find a place or move in with my sister.

@Arty KitKat, thank you for the link! You all are so helpful =]

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I think Krafty Kokatie is right in saying to be careful with the bridges you burn. Although if you move out it sounds like that this could happen out of your control.
Well since you will be turning 18 you legally have the right to move out by yourself. Depending on what you are doing (working or school) depends on your options.

I think a good way to speak to your dad about it is if you two try and come to a compromise, you could do a trial moving out, like see how moving out of your house goes for about 2 - 4 weeks? Then you could say to your dad that when the trial ends that the two of you will come together to discuss it. If you feel you don't want to move back after the trial and he still won't let you, then you'll have t be cruel to be kind and tell him honestly that you can't stand all the fighting that goes on in their household!!

Then you could maybe think about getting a place of your own...? After the trial.

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not to step on any toes here, but i can tell you that going to college just to get away from all this is the WORST thing you can do. if you have plans for college anyway, go right ahead. i, however, went to college a. because i needed to get away from my family (mom thinks this is still the victorian era, literally, and dad thinks hes still in the marines on the front lines, literally) and b. because it was either "go to college and pay for it all by yourself, or get out of our house."

i went to college for two years, quit because i was so bored with it, and am now $50,000.00 in the hole for a degree i dont have. my parents refuse to pay for any of it, even though they literally forced me into it.

No, college is not an easy way out. Please THINK before you decide to go to college--there are so many other options, and if you do decide to go to college, try looking into ones overseas. It would be a great adventure, and in most cases, it's less expensive, even with travel! (Example: University of Tel Aviv is approximately $4,000.00 per semester for a non-Israeli. Yes, you read that correctly.)

Good luck, love--we are all rooting for you!

PS: Since I moved overseas, my relationship with my family has improved DRASTICALLY. I still don't want to go back, but at least I didn't have to burn a bridge, and I am eternally grateful for that. Good luck. Happy

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Wow. Your father is being very controlling. I agree with Charlotte... travel for the summer. If you wanna move when you get back, do it. you will be or are now of age. we can not let people (esp those we love/ depend on for love) manipulate us into giving up our dreams and our peace of mind. And there is no reason to really 'fight' about this stuff. you can do it all without the drama. blessings to you.

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Like I said in my previous post it depends on what your life's circumstances are, if you are working you could always think about joining a company that needs someone either in a different part of your country (or county/state depending on what country you originate from) or a company moving abroad. If you really want to get away from them... or look around for temporary accomdation, maybe see if someone will take you in for a little while and see how your folks react.

I agree with Rachie, don't go to Uni solely tget away from your folks because you will be doing it for all the wrong reasons and won't be motivated to carry out the work. I went to University because I really wanted to and have now come out the other side kinda hating it and thinking "what if?!" so I'd hate to imagine what the mentality of attending University is for someone that doesn't reallywan to be there in the first place. If you are already thinking of going to University because that is what you want to do then moving out that way is probably your best option.
However I tend to find that move places typically charge MORE for you being an international student. For example I go to/used to go to (I'm kinda stuck in limbo atm, waiting for my exam results) charge about £3,000 for home student and about £5,000-£7,000 for International Students, which is why our Uni has so many of them, UH depends on them so much to make their money!!

Just make sure that you explore all the options available to you as moving out (as much as you want to) is a big decision so you will want to be doing the right thing which will give you the best chance of maintaining your new situation.

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