suicide thoughts

ello.
few days ago i wrote on this board about a boy i like. and then i was, lets say. happy?
there are days when i feel very happy, and very sad.
but, these days i'm feeling very, very sad.
i dont see whats the point of living anymore.
i'm great student, and i have (had) bright future.
this year i need to move from my village to town because of school. and i cant see how that would look like. i can imagine my life there, with new people, with no friends. dont get me wrong, i want to move. but i just have a feeling i wont make living till then. -i have always thought i will die in summer 2010.-
few months ago terrible thing happened to my family. we were blackmailed. shortly; guy wanted money or he will hurt my bro and me. i never got over it, and i cant forget it.
amount of fear i felt then was huge. in last 1- 2 months i got few panic attacks. i cried for few hours, couldnt stop. now i see things that dont exist. i hear weidr noise, and i'm very scared. i told my parents about my fears but they think i will be fine if they are with me. true; i'm not that scared when i'm with them, but still.. :/
i'm very sad and scared. i didnt looked my self in the mirror alredy 2 months (only in the morning). my best friend cant help me. i see suicide as my only exit, i just cant be happy or ovecome my fears. its like i'm living in fear. another thig that hit me hard; my ex ended up in hospital, and we are so close. some guys beat him and he got 3 skull fractures, they broke him some teeth..
Sorry for bad eng. i hope you understand me.

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post
10 replies since 10th March 2010 • Last reply 10th March 2010

Hello Happy
That's so awful about your family and boyfriend, i'm sorry to hear that.
You need to hold tight and do not let these things defeat you!
If your sadness gets worse you can ask your doctor for tablets to help.
A holiday or a break somewhere is something i would suggest, to clear your mind and get rid
of the stress you may have.
You said yourself you have a promising future, so take life by the balls with a positive attitude!
If your pic is recent you also have cool hair, hehe.
Happy x

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

If you have to move look at it as a chance for a new start. The things you are living with at the moment are really difficult. I know it is hard to see a way out but suicide is not the answer. You say you are worried about your brother. If you are not here who will care about him. You also say about being blackmailed. The world is full of evil people. You're death wouldn't make them go away. You living and standing up to bullies will. You have choices in your life, you just can't see them all at the moment. Find a tutor or some other adult that you can trust to talk to. You need someone who can help you see what you can do about how you feel. Feelings change all the time depending on what's happening around us. Some things you can change others you can't but you can choose how you react and feel about things. Good luck. Hope this makes sense x

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

I am deeply sorry for all of your misfortunes and that of your family and friends, but I have only one thing to say...talk to someone. A lot of suicides could have been prevented if only the person had talked to someone about their fears and feelings. Others can possibly put things in perspective for you when you don't see them, and it may not seem you don't have anything to live for but you do, you have your family and like Sheila said about your brother, he and other family members would be left behind to go on without you, don't make them go through something like that especially them knowing you took your own life. Just talk to someone to get any kind of help you need to cope with your issues. It may not seem like it, but things can and will get better with a positive attitude, which is something else you may or may not have trouble with but believe me, having a positive attitude about things really help.
Ok, so it wasn't just one thing I had to say but please think about others before you take yourself out of "their" picture. In many ways you have to remember that your life is not just yours, it's others too and what happens to you affects them, good or bad. So stick around for the good stuff! Craft something if nothing else LOL!

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

Eve,

never give in. 3 years ago my Dad died, 2 years ago my husband started cheating on me, he started to drink heavily and then moved on to abusing me, physically, mentally and finally one drunken night he sexually abused me. He was mean to me until I left my home, then it had to be sold, so I was homeless too. I was living alone in a small studio flat with pretty much nothing. I was heavily in debt because I was paying his bills, I could not afford to eat, so I spent what little money I had on buying food for my cat and my dog.
I was so low. I had nothing. Then the landlord of the flat I was living in wanted me to move out, so I ended up having to move again. But I realised, life is still beautiful, the world is still beautiful, and I was not going to allow some bad people to make me think about suicide. There is always something worth living for and always a reason to smile.

Do not give up Eve, now, 3 years after my Dad died, I'm living in a lovely little house with my dog and my cat, I have a wonderful boyfriend, I still have my job and every day I find another reason to smile.

Stay strong and believe in yourself.

xxxxxxxx

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

Eve babes,

You got a good head on your shoulders by the sounds of it. You're smart enough to know to reach out because you are feeling so sad. That can be really hard.
When you get through this you will look back and be amazed on how strong you really are.
Nothing is harder than being scared and sad especially when noone can make you feel better and then add panic attacks.. no fun at all.
My humble advice..one foot in front of the other and deep breathing. If you feel you're getting pushed to the edge and crying and don't know why you're crying,ask you doctor or maybe you have a minister? they'll be able to advise. Sometimes we need a boost to get us through the hard times and admitting we need some help is the hardest.
The things that have happened to you will never go away in your mind, but they will become easier to live with over time. Fight back eve, don't give in.

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

there are a lot of bad things in this world we live in.
i'm extremly emotional, and i experience those things ''differently''. and i just cant believe where all this got me through. i dont want my family to suffer because of me. they dont deserve it!
good conversation with someone, facing with past and my fears, i hope that will give me positive additue.
i wont give up. there are a lot of good thing, and i wont be slave of bad ones.
it will took a while, but i will beat this things!


Kimmi.
thats terrible! i admire to your possitive additue. you are truly strong person!

thank you all!

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

Eve,

I'm not strong, truth is, I'm scared most of the time. For a long time I would wake up every morning and wish that I hadn't woken up.

I soon realised though that I had sooo much to live for and that this is still a beautiful world with beautiful, amazing people in it.

One person was not going to ruin my life.

I would go out for walks and I would take pictures with my camera of all the good and beautiful things in the world. I spoke to my family and my friends and I took joy in them and the love they showed me.
Be gentle with yourself and know that you are a beautiful and amazing person in this beautiful and amazing world.

Much love

K/x

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

YOU WILL BEAT THIS!

There is nothing worse than feeling hopeless and helpless...You just need to keep going, let it be what keeps you going day after day...wake up every morning and tell yourself that you will beat this! Life has it's ups and downs and someday feel more down than up but you have to remember that once you are at the bottom there is no place to go but up!

(((((HUGS)))))))

smile girl, you have love and support here!!!! Happy

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

Hi Eve
I agree with Kimmi about being scared....we are all insecure inside to different degrees. I have lived through many years of mental & physical abuse, homelessness when I was expecting my daughter, the death of my dad when he was 53yrs old, divorce, bankruptcy. I've slept in doorways, begged for food and once stole food (many years later I still feel bad about that). I wrote poetry to help me. The thoughts running round my head were getting mixed up and confusing me so I put them on paper. Here's one I wrote. I hope it helps to show you that you are not alone and maybe give you a little hope. The title is ironic. It starts negative then changes as I changed the way I saw the world around me.

DESPAIR

Through the years my body has been battered
Broken bones, black eyes and a broken heart
to be handled with care
I will not bend or wither in despair

My shattered mind plays tricks on my physical form
Feet that cramp and hands that refuse to hold my pen
so now I write my thoughts for others to share
I will not bend or wither in despair

Death comes calling early in my bloodline
So I will live my life in the sunshine
without a care
I will not bend or wither in despair

I will eat the fruits of life and taste sweet nectar
sing and dance and laugh inappropriately
Dress in strange garments and cause others to stare
I will not bend or wither in despair

I'll run barefoot through wet grass
Put the world to rights over coffee with friends
Write silly songs and pretend, I'm not there
I will not bend or wither in despair

For one day I will not be there
But I won't have bent or withered from despair

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post

Dear Eve,
please check your private messages, I don't want to write this publicly.

Anke

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post


Reply