Disapproving parents

I just need some advice on this.

Me and Tim have been going out for almost five months now, and my parents are still being really hostile toward him. I mean, they've never invited him over, they've never tried to talk to him, and the first time my mum met him she just had a go at him because his house in Bath is tucked away and she couldn't find it.

I'm upset now because my family's going out for a meal tomorrow night for my mum and dads birthdays (both next week), and my brother's coming with his girlfriend, and my sister normally brings a man along but she doesn't have anyone at the moment, and I'm so pissed off that my parents don't have the courtesy to ask Tim along! He's part of my family, hence part of their family. I dunno if they just don't realise how serious our relationship is, but it's really serious.

They've been pulling shit like this for ages. I'm just so much closer to his family than he is to me. They let me stay over there all the time and they're so nice to me. His mum gave me a birthday card, and when it was Tim's birthday two days later I hoped my parents would extended the gesture back, they didn't do anything. Jesus, I have a key to his house and my parents won't even let him stay here. I just feel like all the time they're trying to split us up. Jesus, they're not even impressed that he works with an autistic child and has written a book! And actually, that's irrelevant. I love him, and if they could sit down for a minute and really care, they'd realise that however they feel about him doesn't matter. I don't even know why they don't like him!

I don't know if maybe it's cause I'm the youngest girl and they're being possessive, but they were never like this with my last boyfriend, they loved him.

Can anyone help, please?

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23 replies since 5th September 2008 • Last reply 5th September 2008

Wow.. well first off, I CANNOT help D: I'm sorry. I havn't been in... a VERY serious relationship [I thought I was.. but it wasn't a reciprocated feeling] and thats... horrible. I can completely understand your frustration and anger! You seem to have an AMAZING boyfriend, and they are completely disreguarding him as a serious person in your life. I'd be angry even if I was dating some loser with no potential and no motivation, but I loved him [hopefully I wouldn't love a guy like that... but ya never know] and my parents rejected him. If you love him, then they should at LEAST accept him! AND, he has written a friggen book and works with needy children! Thats just a freaking bonus! I know I would want my mom to accept and like the guy I'm with... but if they dont... they dont. I suggest you talk to them about it. Confront them about their complete utter lack of acceptance towards him. How they can coalesce your siblings mates but totally disreguard your own! Thats is completely insensitive and.. mean [not to sound like a 5 year old]. Then maybe you'll find out exactly WHY they've been doing this. Perhaps they didn't even realize they were doing it.. and perhaps just MAKING SURE THEY KNOW will change everything "I cannot say for certain wether things will get better if we change. What I can say for certain is that they MUST change if things are to get better" Happy

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Sometimes it happens. I've been with my boyfriend eight years and my parents still don't really like him. Which is odd, because he looks normal, is smart, college educated and doesn't go out on the town. Ever.

His parents love me to death and introduce me as their future daughter in law.

It was really tough in high school. I joined the school spirit group just to see him! (And I'm not the cheerleader type, but it did get me out of my house.) But now it works out because my parents aren't so controlling now that I'm out of college. Sort of. Maybe. I still don't think they're going to like him no matter what I do. But that's ok. I do the inviting when we go out to dinner. Happy

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nuff said...

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I think you just have to keep reminding them that you are a couple, tell them what you do together, I am sure they don't want to think of you actually having sex with him, so maybe lay off the sleeping together stuff, just reintroduce him to your parents and maybe slowly they will grow to like him.

I'm with my bf 10 1/2 years now and we went out for 3 months when I was 17 and my mother made me dump him, she thought he was a bad example, he didn't live at home, was older, mysterious, had long hair! We broke up and were back together 5 months later, they eventually came around. He was slowly allowed to stay over, as he lived far away, but only downstairs on the couch. They eventually realised what we meant to each other and now they love him.

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have you ever set down with your parents and talked to them about how much you care about this guy
not just telling them alll the great things he does but how good he and his family make you feel and just come out and ask her why she doesnt seem to like him
i know it would be putting her on the spot but sometimes you got to do that with ppl
remember to stay calm when talking and dont get upset or yell that gives them a reason to leave the room and drop the subject
also why dont you say mom i hope you dont mind but i kinda invited tim to your birth day the more the marrier right !!!!!!!!!

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Nah he told me he didn't want me to invite him, and I know how he feels. I can't go somewhere I haven't been invited - even if someone says anyone can come to their party, I won't go unless they specifically invite me. And they treat him like shit everytime they see him anyway, so it'd just be a whole evening of awkwardness.

I've tried to talk to my mum but she just doesn't listen. We don't talk in my family, it never helps. I will try again though, just not tonight. Jeez, things are hard enough at home already, I still can't look my dad in the eye because I know his air rifle is in the house. I just wish that for once they could actually be parents and find out what's happening with ME and make it better. I'm barely here, as far as they're concerned

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Aaaaw! Oh no! If you can't talk to your mum write her a letter? I don't really know what to suggest Happy hope you can get through to them!

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Tell them if they don't accept your boyfriend, you won't accept them!

Okay, maybe not the best advice. (:

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I agree with queen,write them a letter, explain where you are coming from especially that they are really hurting you emotionally wise with the way they are taking the situation. If they continue to be so negative about the situation that you would just not come to them for anything or talk to them. Writing a letter would be a good way to let some of those things off your shoulders and this way they wont argue back to you since you are not there to argue too. I wish you the best, as a parent I only want the best for my children but their happiness is number one in my book.

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Most of the time my boyfriend doesn't want to come either. Which is sad.

My mom's been through med school so when I try to talk to her, she goes on her "Oh, psychologically, your problem is X... (inferring she doesn't have the problem, and it's all me)" so even writing didn't help. My dad met my boyfriend with power tools and a hack saw, alluded to all his guns, and my mom left her medical journals around the house, open to pages about STDs. But that has stopped now. I think they got bored with it. So far the only solution I've found is time. But even that doesn't solve all the problems.

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man thats horrible K.K but the letter idea sounds really good
or you could justs not go to support your b/f kinda like how some ppl have set ins and striks
give her the silent treatment im not saying full on battle your parents but when you get to be a certain age you gotta start sticking upp for yourself
some ppl are lucky and are blessed with the kind of parents who will set down and talk to them some arent so lucky
maybe they need to see first hand how it feels to get the cold shoulder
then agin they may not even realize how insensitive their being how old are you and your b/f anyways
when you talk to your mom or write her kinda agree with her in a way for example
if one of her probs is you guys are young you could put something like this in the letter

mom i know we are young and i realize i have many options in my life im not saying im gonna get married tomorrow but i really care about this guy now
he makes me happy he makes me feel good i know he may not be the person you invisiond your little girl being with but he is good for me and the kinda person i am
you having a problem with him hurts me not only because i care about him but because my choice in men reflects the kind of woman i am and where i stand in my life right now
maybe that will change later but right now the more you try to pull us apart the more i want us to be together i just wish you could put your feelings aside and sacrifice the way you feel for my happyness
you know something along these lines
basically be mature except what she is saying to you whatever reason she doesnt like it agree with her dont nessarly defend him for examples if he smokes
mom i know he smokes and you hate it im sry he has allways smoked even befor we got together i know its nasty im not nessarily fond of it either but the other great attributes of his personality make up for it
i hope these ideas will help you in starting a letter or convosation with them

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Thanks guys. I may try and write a letter - I'm gonna see if things get any better.

And...I want to call you buy your old username but it's not there, so Mrs Don't, I'm 17 and my boyfriend's 22. I know the age is a bit funny but my sister always went for older guys and that wasn't a problem. I realise I'm still relatively young, but I like to enjoy life as it is now, and right now Tim makes me sickeningly happy.

It's just annoying, cause my parents always completely ignore me when I genuinely have a problem, but when I'm fine they try to interfere. When I was eleven I came home with the word "Death" scratched into my arm pretty deep, and they didn't do anything. I've not eaten for weeks and they've left me alone. I've had to deal with panic attacks and getting the shit beaten out of me all by myself, but the moment I'm actually happy, in a relationship I adore everything about and which is healthy and making me a better person, they try and ruin it. I don't understand.

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life is tough
one thing thats hard for parents to deal with is the age issue they need to realize that you are almost 18 which means they will not be able to control the decisions you make maybe they are afraide you are their last child and you are growing up and growing away from them
or maybe they see that your doing good and want to pull you down because misery loves company and its hard to say but sometimes familys are like that
in this day in age the brady bunch doesnt exactly represent the average american home life ;)
if this relationship is healthy like you say and he makes you happy thats most important not that your family isnt but from what you say it doesnt sound like they have your best interests at heart Happybut hey hes 22 and your old enough to get a job maybe you guys can get a cheap little apt together that would open their eyes
i feel very strongly about this issue because my husband whos name is actually tim is 19 and i am 22
i already had 2 kids when we started dating so of course his mom didnt like me she thoght i was takling her baby away etc which i was it was time for him to grow up and start his own life well he was actually 18 when we got together those are our ages now but anyways i dont think you should stop eating after all you need energy to stand up and battle for the relationship you beleave in Happy

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I'm not the youngest child, but my little brother is a total baby. He's 15 but they won't have to deal with him growing up for years!

I'm counting on being free when I go to uni, and Tim's thinking about coming up with me, either to work or possibly to carry on with Uni. We won't be able to get a place together, but at least we'll be close and away from everyone, which will be amazing. I stay over his as much as possible as it is but it's getting hard now I'm at college, and he's going back to uni.

I'm so glad some other people kinda know what's happening. And I was a little worried about this because I don't want to offend any parents, I know it can't be easy.

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