My boyfriend and I have been fighting a little bit lately. He works everyday and I don't. I really hate not having a job. So, he wants alone time. I mean, the only time he's really alone is when Glee is on. Now I fully understand he needs alone time. I'm not dumb or crazy girlfriend or anything. I just have trust issues. MAJOR issues. The day before I left for a trip that would put me 1200 miles away he invited one of his friends to come over on the weekend. A friend that was a girl. A friend he said could stay the night. He swears up and down that nothing was going to happen, but come on. I think I have the right to get really upset over that. So now, I have about zero trust in him. I don't think he gets this. He even said things were going to change, but honestly nothing really has.
Before I moved in we only saw each other two times a week. We had been dating for two and half years. He asked me to move in, so I was really excited. I thought that meant he wanted to see me more. Now, I just feel like he wants it to go back to the way it was before. The alone time he wants is me being out of the house like right after he gets home from work until about the time he goes to bed.
I guess I'm just upset about this because even though I would have the car when I go out, I just don't trust him that much right now and as I said before, he doesn't seem to get this.
I would just like some more opinions because he talked to everyone at work about it. I don't like that because his work friends are jerks.
the girl sleeping over thing is just WRONG. this guy sounds like a jerk, also considering he is surrounded and influenced by other jerks, you can't entirely blame him for thinking certain things are "right". tell him everything you are sharing right now because he won't see anything is wrong until you show him what is wrong. my opinion: you moved in way too early, he knows he has got you now and the effort to show his love has gone out the window. make him try harder to earn your trust and love, and don't be afraid to act the way he acts towards you. it might trigger something.
if this goes on longer than it should, don't waste your time because there will always be another person out there who will do you better. good luck!
He really isn't a jerk. He's actually really nice and sweet. It's just with some things he has his mind set. And he has been living by himself with just his mom since he was like 16 or 17. So, I think he's just use to being by himself for so long, but he needs to snap out of it. I guess, I just can't think of how to do it.
Here is honestly the fastest way: Dump him. Either he will come to his senses and turn a new leaf, or... well, it's better that you find out now if he is really a senseless jerk who will never improve. On a few of my relationships, I wish I had listened to that exact same advice. Lucky me--I didn't and now I have one ex who wants me back for the THIRD time but can't even remember my bday, and another ex who is still stalking and harassing me after 5 years and 2 engagements (not counting when he and I were engaged). Both of them were "really very sweet," too.
It will hurt--but in the long run, either way it turns out (he gets his act together or you find out what a mess he really is), it WILL be for the better.
Just my $0.02. Hope by bluntness doesn't bother you. :)
No it wasn't too early to move in. If you felt ready for it then you were ready. Some people meet and marry within 2 years and their relationships last their whole lives! So that's not the issue...
He wants you to not be there when he gets in from work and come back to cuddle him in bed?! :O He asked you to move in therefore it is your home too!! Even if it's 'his' place, you've MOVED in. Where would you go when you're out for those hours that he is home after work? That really is a joke.
Communication is key to any relationship and you should be talking to him about this Veronies. I seriously hope everything works out for you soon. Oh and you're allowed to get a little annoyed if he asks a girl to stay over when you're away! WTF is that all about? Has he asked this girl to stay over when you're there? As a friend just staying over? I bet he hasn't. Stand your ground girl! I'm sure there are loads of people that would love to spend all day everyday with you!
Think about it long and hard because really, the only person that can help you here is yourself.
Nice Ruby W.! relationships are tough period, you gotta really want it, and it sounds like you do. communication and trust are HUGE! without these things there is no team. Behind every good man is a good woman with a lighter...tehe. I encourage you to really weigh the good with the bad and ask yourself if you want to live like this for the rest of your life. you should be treated with respect bottom line.
Go check this out right now.
Listen to this...If this ain't your man, you need to get the F out. Trust me. I thought this kind of love wasn't possible...I almost "settled" with a "nice guy" because I thought I couldn't do better.
If you are a good woman...you deserve a good man. He's out there, and you can find him. Don't put up with this crap.
Well he told me that his work friends said everybody needs space. His mom also said that maybe I could go see my parents once a week. And he said I could be out of the house from 4-8, which he gets home at about a quarter till four and we usually go to bed at like 9 ish. So, that's pretty much all day. I just think it's bullshit that he doesn't want to see me for a whole day at least once a week. Also, I started babysitting for his sister every friday and on that friday he is home alone for about three hours. I think that should be enough, but apparently it's not.
I would never dump him. Sorry, but that isn't gonna happen. I know I'm not in an abusive relationship and I'm not staying with him just because I think he loves me. I know he loves me and I know I love him. We just have some rough patches like every relationship. I just want to work through this and find a happy medium.
I really wish you the best...truly. Please be very sure this is what you want though. I spent 5 years with a guy who made me feel like crap (but was nice to everyone else) and I just thought it was me and that we were having "rough patches" like everyone else.
But I can tell you from experience that this guy isn't as smitten with you as you are with him...obviously. Yeah, every man needs time to himself. But when it gets to the point where he's SCHEDULING it in WEEKLY??? That is suspicious. I'm not saying he's cheating, but maybe he's working on thinking about it.
When my husband and I were dating, he'd walk 3 miles to my house, picking me wild flowers the whole way. I had the hardest time getting him to LEAVE because he always wanted to be with me. Even now, he calls and asks me to come see him at work..."just for a minute" because he misses my face. That's love. And we've been together for 3 years and have never once EVER had a rough patch. Three years without a fight or an argument. Sure we disagree on somethings, but by the end of the conversation (because we actually talk and LISTEN to one another) we work out a way around the problem. Which is usually never more than what's for dinner. ;)
I know that's a rare kind of relationship...but I feel that every one deserves to find a person who suits them so perfectly like that. You really don't have any idea what you're missing.
Please consider your future. People don't "change". They are who they are. You either love them for it, or you leave them to find someone who suits you better. Don't waste years and years of your life because you thought you "loved" someone.
If you really want it to work, you really need to have a talk with him and let him know how this makes you feel. During this conversation, watch him, his body language and his tone will help you to determine if he is getting offended (which usually means they know they're guilty) or if he is genuinely concerned for your feelings. I'm not trying to tell you what to do...I just hope that you find the kind of love that I have...it truly is an amazing experience. :)
OH, and PS...why the heck is he taking advice from his "work friends".
We had a verrrrry long talk today and we compromised. I honestly do feel like we have a very special connection. Even if it doesn't sound like it because on this thread I'm just pointing out the bad stuff, but there is just so much more good. And I know that he really is a sweet guy. He has never once treated me like crap or hit me or anything like that. He did a lot for me when we weren't living together.
So, even if it does sound like we have a poopy relationship, we don't. I know we don't. I'm not one of those girls who can't see the truth. I respect everyone's opinions, but you don't know all of it.
I have had this same exact realitionship. turned out not only was he cheating on me but swore up and down he wasnt when i had proof. then thought it was okay to contuine to lie to me and we even had a room in our house i was never aloud to go into no matter who was in there.. oh and my fail guy he "did alot for me when we were dating too" and i tought i was "just ranting about the bad things" and we also had "a long converstaion on how he will change" your what maybe 20? i bet he is one of your first long term realtionships too. because my guy was and i thought he loved me because
he was "usally realy sweet to me" and i thought he loved me. he didnt love me tho he lied. your bf is lying to you too. think about this he wants you, his girlfriend the women he supposley LOVES to leave for atleast 4 hours when he's home. and then what its okay for u to sleep with him tho right? girl you are going to get your heart broken RUBY IS RIGHT. you asked for all our advice and im sorry you are going through this but every girl has that terrible " he loves me i know it" realtionship atleast once in their lives. my husband and i have been with eachother everyday for 2 years and he NEVER EVER asked me to leave the house for any giving amount of time so he can have "him" time. if you believe this crap he's telling you then you need to listen to your friends. mine tried to warn me too and i did exactly what you are doing and making excusses trying to convince yourself that he really is perfect and sweet and loves you. i went through all of this and it still kills me that i wasted 4 years of my life with a guy who didnt love me the way i loved him. and you know what? it was the best thing ever to leave him. Now i am maried and my husband is perfect. like a storybook perfect. what your going through isnt nessary and i dont wanna see you hurt like i am. but its all up to you in the end. only you can make the choice. but ask yourself this: Is a guy who dosnt want your near him the type of guy you wanna spend forever with?
best of luck.
show him how much you dont need him, be independent, if he doesnt want to be available for you dont be for him, you can play the same game if thats the case, maybe he just needs a taste of his own medicine! My husband is the only person I can be around all day long! demand relationship respect or it will never happen and when 10 years fly out the door, you will wonder WTF was I thinking! or maybe you will marry this fool and really get to see his ugly! sorry, Ijust cant stand to see or hear about anyone be disrespected!
I agree with Oddbreed. Def. get out of the house and have your own life. When I moved in with my hubby I didn't have a job, consequently he was the only person I really got to interact with. I drove him CRAZY! I was STARVED for human interaction. If you can't find a job, go volunteer, animal shelters always need help. Regardless of what happens with your relationships it sounds to me like you def. need to start having your own life. Once I got a job our relationship got better cause at the end of the day when he's tired so am I and just sitting quietly watching TV sounds really nice.
Side note no girl should ever stay the night when your out. Regardless what he says that's a load of crap. I have NEVER had a slumber party with a guy that was "just" a friend. He is def. hiding something. He may just be hiding the fact that you are needy because your home alone and he is thinking about pursuing another relationship where the girl has something to offer...example new experiences and stuff that happens when you leave the house.
Good luck. Hope everything works out.
Felecity W.- When we had our long talk, he said he was worried because he thought I would be getting stir crazy. And he told me his mom said that he has to think about my situation because he's the only person I have here(for some reason I like burst into tears when I heard that). And he said that when I start working things will get better and I really hope they do.
I didn't tell you to break up with him... You posted a thread asking what to do and I basically said you're the only person that can answer that question, then you got upset when people gave their opinions... The opinions you asked for...
You didn't outline that there were good sides to this relationship so everyone obviously got a different picture to how you see it.
I'm glad you guys spoke and clearly something great will be coming out of it so I wish you guys all the best with your future together :) x
Are you the only member of your family/friends that lives in the town you do? When I moved to a new state (to get married) I lost all connections I had, it sucked. This is when I didn't have a job and drove my hubby crazy :) Once I started building my own network we stopped bickering. It wasn't "fighting" it was just TOO MUCH time together.
Honestly though, I think we do have a really good marriage. I think this is because we are honest and talk with each other. When I am mad or upset I tell him and don't wait for him to figure it out. Same with him. Guys are clueless when it comes to reading a girl's emotions and I am NOT patient.
If you do suspect he is cheating and have proof, my advice is to leave him. People don't change in my opinion, and if a guy thinks it's ok the first time and forgiveness is a possibility what's to say there won't be a second time. You deserve someone willing to invest all their love in you.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and have had very few rough patches. But rough patches are normal for any relationship. My boyfriend's biggest problem was with honesty. The first serious rough patch we had was after he had got back from a boys trip to Denver. He hadn't brought be back a gift but he wanted to get me a puppy so I picked out a puppy breeder I wanted to check out that was near our home and we drove 3 hours to see said puppies. On the way back from picking out our puppy, I picked up his digital camera and found a bunch of pictures from his trip with his ex girlfriend on it. He had decided to not tell me she was there because he thought it would upset me. I was more upset about his not telling me and left to stay with my sister for the rest of the weekend. His brother who had been my best friend in high school was in constant contact with me and kept reminding me that my boyfriend was... himself but that he loved me more than he has ever loved anyone.
The next time we had a rough patch he had started to seriously distance himself from me. We were on about 4 1/2 years in our relationship when he started to pull away. One night he didn't come home or answer his phone or call. I was up all night trying to get a hold of him and crying. I finally got a call from him at about 7 in the morning. He told me he couldn't stand to see me and that there was something wrong with him and that he needed time apart. It was the worst night of my life at that moment. Until a week later when he decided to go to Kansas City to see his brother. He left way earlier than he normally would have- 7 in the morning. I had given him some money to go but he didn't tell me where he was staying and he didn't call me when he got there. I had some suspected a girl he worked with was become too close to him and when I went online to check our phone records to get the number to his hotel, I found he had called her a half an hour after leaving our place- exactly the amount of time it would have taken for him to get to hers) I had called the hotel several times with no answer and his cell as well was a dead end. I finally got a call back from him late at night. He talked to me out in the hotel hallway and swore up and down that she wasn't there with him. I packed my things and left the next day.
Things didn't get better for a while with us. We were apart for 2 months with a few very bad attempts at seeing each other or talking to each other. He took me to the doctor once when I was too sick to work. We had dinner once with bad results and then mother's day came and his mom called me looking for him and I had to tell her that we had broken up. She went into instant alarm, called his brother and had him contact me as well to make sure I was ok. I went through the motions of living like a robot. I ate because I didn't want to relapse into my eating disorder, though I had no desire to eat. I went to work because I had to go to work and it gave me a brief period of time where I was too busy to dwell on it too long. I lost the ability to sleep and would usually only get a couple of hours of sleep before work each day. I started talking to a guy at my work who I had viewed to be "safe" because he was married, only to find out that he was in an open marriage and wanted me for a mistress. When this came out I got upset and worked up enough to call my boyfriend and yell at him for being heartless and not loving me forever like he promised. He started crying and told me he missed me all the time and was only staying away because he thought I didn't want anything to do with him. We started to work out our relationship and got back together. He still maintained that nothing happened between he and said girl he worked with, maintained fully that she never went with him to Kansas. But in December, he was leaving for the east coast for work, and I found an e-mail from her asking for him back and admitting to everything that they had done together. I called her and left a nasty voice mail on her machine and then called him and let him know how sick I was with him. He took it in strides, said he was getting off the plane and coming straight back. I told him to go because I didn't want to see him. He left and we spent the next several days on the phone constantly with each other with him telling me everything. We've decided to have a more open communication with each other. He and I are both in our own ways working on trust. We haven't lived with each other really since I moved out, except for about a month and a half when he was out of town for work. We're a stronger couple.
I think sometimes you have to take a stand for yourself. I had to leave him. There was no living with myself and respecting myself if I had stayed. Your boyfriend telling you that he's worried about you being stir crazy is pathetic in my opinion. If you have one car between the two of you, you should be taking him to work so you can use the car to go out and apply for jobs and be free to set up interviews. You should then pick him up from work and if he thinks you need to get out he should go out with you. If he wants time alone, then schedule time apart (there isn't anything wrong in that) but counter-balance it by scheduling equal time together. And under no circumstances is it ever ok for him to have a girl stay the night with him. If he actually did have her stay the night when you were out of town- the best thing you can do for yourself is leave him and let him know you aren't to be taken for granted. And abuse is not just when a person hits you. Your boyfriend sounds like he's trying to manipulate you, don't let him. If he is having girls stay the night with him when you arenâ€™t there than he is taking advantage of you and being disrespectful both of you and your relationship.
I do believe however, that the biggest strain on your relationship is that you don't have a job. Stop being so picking and start applying at McDonalds if you have to. I would also however suggest you look up the signs of a cheating spouse. I would say by some of the things you've said that you have something to worry about. Even if he hasn't cheated, its possible he's been considering it.