I don't know how to break up with my boyfriend...

I need to break up with my boyfriend, but I'm not sure how to do it.. Here's a little bit of info on it to try to explain everything:

We've been together for 2 and a half years, so it's pretty much expected that we're going to stay together forever. We even had plans to move in together at the end of the year but that isn't going to happen because he's VERY lazy, unemployed, broke and doesn't try to do anything about his situation. I cannot be with a guy that is like a child and can't do anything for himself. I have ambitions and am working towards my goal, but he's just kind of in the way and holding me back because of his negative attitude towards everything.

I've tried motivating him to get a job, but there's always an excuse ("I can't waiter because I hate it" or "Retail sucks and they don't pay enough"). He's 21 and has never had a job so I don't see how he can be so full of sh*t about what type of job he gets. If it was me, I'd literally do anything, just so that I can start earning money so I can look after myself. I have two jobs and I don't exactly like working myself to death for the amount I earn, but I do it because it's necessary so I can have money to move out and look after myself when I go to uni next year.

Because he's lazy, he also doesn't put in effort for our relationship. He says he loves me and makes me feel special through words, but he never physically does anything to make me feel loved, like giving me flowers or writing a cute note or taking me out for dinner, or even just inviting me to his house. I'm a hopeless romantic and I NEED someone to show me they love me through their actions, not just their words. I complain to him about it almost every week and he always apologises and says he will try but he doesn't. This has practically killed my love for him.

He is also extremely emotionally unstable, so I hate doing anything that could trigger his suicidal tendencies. It basically makes me feel trapped with him because whenever I'm in a bad mood or don't speak to him, he will literally cry and beat himself up for it because he feels he needs to punish himself for being a bad boyfriend, even when it's not his fault. He pretty much manipulates me like that, unintentionally, to stay with him and do everything he wants. I can't do it anymore because it hurts me so much and I can never be happy when I'm constantly put on guilt trips.

I am no longer attracted to him in any kind of romantic way. He's an awesome friend and we do almost everything together, but that's all I think of him. I cannot stand kissing him anymore because I don't love him anymore. He gets emotional way too quickly and I know it's going to kill him if I break up with him, but I know I have to, for my sake. I don't want to erase him from my life, but I do not want to be involved in a relationship with him. I literally want him to be my friend. He's always been a good friend to me in my times of need and I can't imagine life without him, but I need to get out of the relationship. I think it'll be better if we don't speak to each other at all for a few months, but I don't know how to actually tell him it's over. I want to make it as painless as possible.. Help..

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post Mark as Spam
10 replies since 6th March 2012 • Last reply 6th March 2012

Reply #1:

What a difference a year can make in a relationship. But growing up is hard to do and it does make changes of opinion and taste. And what is good enough for someone at 17 might not be good enough for that same person at 19. So I commend you for realizing this and understanding that it's time to move on.

First of all, no one expects you to stay with a person forever just because you've been with them for 2.5 years. I've known people who have been together for 10 years and ended up breaking up. It happens a lot more than people realize and the older you get the more you'll see this happen among your friends. Too many young people rush into believing they're in love forever when really they're still growing and changing as a person and it's impossible to know who they will be tomorrow.

Secondly I think it's important to address your last paragraph. If you are making the decision to end the relationship, don't believe you get to decide if you stay friends or not. Unless your boyfriend is on the same page as you and knows the relationship is over than chances are you cannot be friends after the relationship is over. The idea of being friends with someone you broke up with isn't one most guys can comprehend. They think it's an opening for you to get back together and they use it to try super hard and then when you fall for it they go back to being the way they were before. So be prepared to lose him as a friend.

I think the best way to end things is to be honest with him in person. Tell him you no longer feel the same way for him as you did before and that you've realized you've changed as a person and it wouldn't be fair to either of you to stay together when you want different things. Tell him he’s important to you as a friend and you hope you can stay friends but would understand if he doesn’t want to. And be willing to listen to him after you’ve said what you had to say. If he starts beating himself up over it, just keep repeating that you’re a different person now and that you’ve changed. Don’t place blame and don’t accept blame. It’s no one’s fault that things aren’t the way you imagined they’d be when you first started dating.

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post Mark as Spam
Reply #2:

I was thinking about telling you to just talk to him about your doubts, like say "get a job or I'm out of here" but then I read the last part of your little explanation...

First of all, are you sure your lack of attraction is not 'just' a result of your frustration with him? If so, try and tell him that! He might actually understand. If NOT, that's a whole different thing and nothing I'd know how to deal with either. :/ But honestly, I don't think strangers can give you advice on this, it's nothing with a fixed diagnose and medication, you know?

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post Mark as Spam
Reply #3:

I don't have much experience with dating, but I know a little bit of advice. NEVER break up over the phone, by text, on Facebook, etc. Even if you feel uncomfortable, the best way to do it is always in person. He will probably be hurt, so don't just walk out. Comfort him and explain why you feel like the relationship had to end without being aggressive or personal.

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post Mark as Spam
Reply #4:

@Pinkweeds: Thank you for understanding, I actually didn't think anyone would understand. I will keep what you said in mind when talking to him, especially your last paragraph. I think that'll be the best way to do it.

@Mi.ezekatze: I have actually told him that countless times and he usually says he is trying to find a job, but I know he's not doing anything about it. The first person I went to for advice was his best friend, who I've known for about 5 years. He said he will try to comfort him and help him get through it to try to make it as easy as possible for both of us. He completely understands the situation because he went through something kind of similar so I knew he would probably be able to give me the best advice on it.

@Olivia H.: I do feel really uncomfortable about doing it in person but I know its better that way. At least then I know I can comfort him and I don't think it would be fair of me to break up with him over text after being with him for so long.

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post Mark as Spam
Reply #5:

Oh dear Rawr Rawr - I was in the sames position as you with my ex who I was with from the age of 16 to 22, I didnt realise how different we had become until I went abroad for a year and realised I much preferred time with my friends. Breaking up was very difficult but it was for the best. He also got suicidal but I simply did not want to be with him and nothing could change that. One thing that I think did help him is that we stayed friends for a while and gradually stopped seeing and speaking to each other less.

He was very lazy too and it wasn't until we split up that he admitted that he was expecting for me to finish uni and get a good job so that he could stay home and play video games!!

The plus side of it is that when we were together he wanted to go travelling around asia when we finished uni which I didn't want to as I wanted to focus on my career - he's now living other there and I'm sure he is happier than ever.

As Olivia said definetely do it in person, it is the least you can do. But if I were you do it sooner rather than later so that you can start to spend time on yourself and doing what you want to do without him holding you back.

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post Mark as Spam
Reply #6:

Don't let any emotional baggage he has stop you from breaking up with him.

A friend of mine is now engaged to a girl he tried to break up with a while ago. She locked herself in her room and kept threatening to kill herself until he got back together with her. She even had her parents bother the hell out of him until they patched things up.
In a few years, he's going to be married and completely miserable, all because he let someone's loud emotional instability run his life.

Most people who actually commit suicide don't threaten to do it so openly. More often than not, when people say to everyone "I'm going to kill myself because *Person* doesn't love me," it's an empty ploy for attention.

It's better to break off a loveless relationship than to keep it going just because everyone thinks you should be together forever.

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post Mark as Spam
Reply #7:

I say your friend should have a reckless and obnoxious affair so that the girl hates him and breaks up with him Monika. People like that are manipulative a**holes and they aren't worth the waste of air they are given.

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post Mark as Spam
Reply #8:

Joss, I'm sorry your in this awkward situation :S You're amazing and no one should be holding you back from your goals! Especially if you're not getting anything out of the relationship.

6 years ago I was in a similar situation. I was 18 and it was like a "young love" I thought I loved him a lot, but not enough to be taking care of him all the time (even though he was older than me) he was living at a friends house on the couch, while I was going to school full time and working non stop, so that I could move out of my parents house as soon as I graduated. So I told him how I felt, that I loved him, but I wasn't going to sit around taking care of him and waiting for him to get his life together. And magically it flipped a switch in his immature brain (lol) He got his GED diploma (because he had dropped out of school), got a job, then joined the Army, all in like 3 months. When he came back from Army basic training we dated and 6 months later were engaged, and a year from that married <3 He loved me enough to grow up! He didnt want to lose me, so he made the changes he needed to. We've been together ever since Happy

My point is, if they love you, they will understand why they need to improve them selves, to help you to achieve your goals together. And also why your asking them to change for the better. If they love them selves and being lazy more, then too bad.

If its important they'll make it happen.
If its not, they'll make excuses.

I saw you changed your relationship status on FB, how did it go?

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post Mark as Spam
Reply #9:

Well I did it but not at all in the way I wanted to... Basically he forgot his wallet in my car, so I went to take it back. I've been very depressed lately but just kept telling him I didn't want to talk about it. Naturally, he tried to make me tell him what's wrong, but when I didn't say anything he started guessing possible reasons... And guessed correctly... He started crying and throwing things, I started crying because of his behaviour and eventually told him I'm sorry and he must forget that I even said anything. I left because I had to be somewhere and didn't speak to him for two days. Then he sent me a text apologising and asking when he must bring my stuff back, so he's accepted that it's over. He's very depressed but he seems to be getting better every day. When I get back from holiday next Friday I we are going to return each others stuff and not speak for the next 3 months, so he can have time to get over me. I'm glad I finally did it though

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post Mark as Spam
Reply #10:

Wow, well at least it doesn't sound like it was too terrible, considering how badly it could have gone. He seems to be taking it a bit better than expected and that's good, for everyone really. Its probably a good idea to just not talk for a little while, lets things calm down and everyone can let reality sink in a bit. I'm glad you have a holiday planned Happy that will help you out with not having to deal with him right after breaking up, and it sounds like it will be fun. Great to hear that your feeling good about finally doing it though!

Edit Delete
Moderate: Hide this post Mark as Spam


Reply