I really want to just let everything that I'm feeling out, but I know that if I do I'll start crying & that'll just make it all a whole lot worse.
why do really shitty things happen to good people?
ok. apologies if I go on a bit...
it's not so much a bad day, as a bad 6th of my life!
on december 30th it'll be 3 years since I had my first panic attack.
it was my dad's birthday & we were on a bus on the way to catch a train to go visit my grandparents to celebrate his birthday & the new year... all morning I'd been feeling like crap & suddenly I just felt like I was going to throw up or pass out, then I burst out crying.
I NEVER cried in front of anyone, I was always the strong person that would hold everything in, so this just made the whole thing even more awful.
my dad ended up taking me off the bus & back home where I started to feel better. but then the day after when I tried to go out with him the same thing happened, and then the next time & so on... it came to be that almost every time I tried to go out I was so worried that I would have another panic attack that I would actually begin to feel one coming on.
because of this I had to drop out of college, where I was doing so well for the first time & just months away from completing my a-levels...
gradually things got worse & I developed agoraphobia, I hardly ever left the house & when I did it was only to stand outside for fresh air.
at the beginning of last year I started to see a counsellor & began taking baby steps to attempt to get back to some sort of normality. so far I can manage short walks by myself, and occasional drives to the shops & walking around with her for 30-45 mins.
due to my doctor's lack of help I've been doing this without any medication & I don't really want to take anything as in the long run it'd be better to be able to control the anxiety by myself rather than relying on medication, but I'm starting to feel as if I've reached my limit. I just don't see myself making any more progress, I haven't achieved anything new in the past couple of months & I'm beginning to give up hope.
I can't work, I hardly ever see my friends, I can't do any of the things that I dreamt of doing before this all started & I know that it hurts my family to see me go through this. I just feel so trapped!
as well as that I also have IBS, which is triggered by stress... so the anxiety makes it flare up & then when it does it causes even more anxiety. I constantly feel ill, which doesn't exactly make me feel as if I want to try to go out, even though I know thatI have to, unless I want to revert back to how I was at my worst.
I just don't understand why this all had to happen to me. I'm a good person, I don't deserve this... no-one deserves to have to live like this, it's like being in a prison. and it's so hard to act like I'm ok, that i accept this, when I have to sit back and watch everyone that I love going about their business without a second thought, whilst all I can do is sit at home trying to keep myself occupied so that I don't go crazy from thinking about how I'm living in something like groundhog day.
ugh! I'm starting to ramble so I'll stop now... but yeah, that's pretty much everything that is making me just want to start screaming & probably never stop.
cry it aaaaall out, you've already written it all out so cry if you need to, holding it in makes it worse until you burst somewhere you didn't want to burst...at, like what happened 3 years ago.
There are products such as Kalms and Karma and this spray stuff you can get over the counter and I don't think it's addictive or it wouldnt be over the counter, so try those for anxiety. I'm thinking about getting them for a while because I can't deal with my anxiety, I need to wein myself off anxiety! I was getting the same way when I stopped going to school and my family were the same, fustrated because they didn't understand but wanted to and wanted to help me. I think I had social anxiety disorder. But anyway you've made a lot of progress, write all that progress down as well as other things you are good at.
I sort of practice conversations with myself, if some story comes up on tv and i'm alone at home I speak outloud because if it goes round my head it makes me go a bit more crazy! so do that so you can deal with people you may meet along the way when you get further out there. Pretend everyone is a little picture and you're typing your words!!! What you need is confidence, I was lucky I still managed to leave the house but when I found my confidence it was even easier, is there no local corner shop or a neighbour who needs things doing? obviously don't worry about that just yet, even asking for a job would be terrifying for you? Take your own baby steps, write a timetable and give yourself points or stickers or something cute for you to work for without it being too much for you, if you have a set back, start again! You want to get out there obviously and one day it will just happen, you'll motivate yourself so much and get your confidence back and all this will make you stronger.
I know what it's like, kinda, because of my crap I'm helping you with your crap, so maybe that's why it happens to good people, so we can help each other, a bad person wouldn't share, a bad person probably wouldn't notice and think so deeply and try so hard... hope it works out :) It will end and it will happen :)
I know how u feel, I suffer from depression and anxeity. I have been medicated for 6 months now, its getting better. But its an uphill struggle. it hinders your life, but I find ways to get around it.
But I do admit that some days I just can't deal.
Get a diary, write it out. I do find these forums a great way to get it out. You guys always seem to understand. It makes me feel good.